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I think you need to reign in your heart in a bit, it seems like you're putting the cart before the horse a bit here. He's made it pretty clear that he's not really looking to settle down. That seems to be the message I got here.
I would just continue to do your thing, slow your roll a bit and perhaps not be quite as available to him. He may just like the teasing and flirting more than the actual relationship reality. IDK.
Hopefully something positive comes out.
I must be a fuddy duddy because none of this sounds like fun to me, it sounds stressful. I guess I was never one for all of the "excessive" flirting and teasing as you say. I liked things more straight forward. I guess people get skitter-ish as they get older and fear of getting hurt causes people to be cautious, I suppose.
I would think the older you get you see the ticker counting down and if you feel a connection and if it is indeed mutual, why play all the "flirting" games.
That movie quote, "get busy living or get busy dying" comes to mind.
That's how I view the world in this department.
Last edited by Chowhound; 11-24-2016 at 01:37 PM..
Well OP, let me give you my story. Some years ago now, I met this guy. I found him to be the most arrogant a-hole, and was horrified when he KEPT asking me out over and over. I finally gave him a chance. We went out a bit, and I found out he was actually awesome and a loving guy. We decided we wanted to date seriously, and we were together for two years. He was the first man I ever fell IN LOVE with. We talked marriage, etc.
However, I was a bit immature at that time. I was hard to put up with, and I ruined that relationship, and we broke up. We are still good friends to this day, but the timing for us was just wrong.
My point? When I met him, he had a FWB. This woman was aware that she was just a FWB, and he made it clear to anyone around him that he was NOT involved 'like that' with this woman. He liked her 'well enough' and they hung out at times and had sex. But, she had 3 kids, and he had no desire to take that on. He was upfront about all this with me.
So, when I agreed to go out with him on a few dates, I could not hold that FWB against him. He was open about it, other people knew about it and knew this woman was NOT his girlfriend. As a single man, he had the right to do as he wished. He was NOT committed, and made that clear to her. So, he had the right to ask me out. He was NOT cheating. After a few dates with ME, we both decided we wanted to be exclusive, so he had to tell this woman that their FWB 'situation' was over. Which he did.
So, when I hear YOUR story, I'm reminded of my situation. I PREFER to find men who have NOTHING going on, as I think its easier. BUT..i know that people have the right to do as they please if they are single. And we always tell people to just be honest about their situation. Now, I don't know if the guy in YOUR situation is a standup guy like the guy in MY situation was. My point was just to let you know that its possible for someone to just be CASUALLY dating until they meet the right person. So, if you refuse to go out with someone just because they may take a woman out ocassionally, or have a f*uck buddy once in a while, how will you know if they are or aren't the one for you?
So..your guy could be like my guy was, or your guy could be a leech and not telling you everything. LOL Yeah I know, lot of help THAT was. But, just keep an open mind, but a SMART mind too. Don't put all your eggs in one basket with this dude. Plus, he hasn't asked you out right? There could be a shady reason, or he could feel you are not on board and might turn him down. Hard to know.
Since when is it wrong to date more than one woman at a time?
It's obvious he isn't interested in a serious relationship with the other gal or he wouldn't be pursuing you.
I'm kind of mixed on this on. If he asks you out them by all means do it.
There's nothing wrong with it...for HIM. But she's said several times she doesn't want to date him if he's seeing someone else (whether they are dating or "whatever"). If she wants something serious then it's not smart to go after a guy who DOES want to date around - make sense?
I think you need to reign in your heart in a bit, it seems like you're putting the cart before the horse a bit here. He's made it pretty clear that he's not really looking to settle down. That seems to be the message I got here. Actually he hasn't made that clear at all. He has said that he's not ready to right now. He hasn't made it clear whether he thinks of me as a possibility. Anyway, trying to figure out how to rein in my heart--I was doing really well at that until the last month or so when things picked up.
I would just continue to do your thing, slow your roll a bit and perhaps not be quite as available to him. He may just like the teasing and flirting more than the actual relationship reality. IDK.
Hopefully something positive comes out.
I must be a fuddy duddy because none of this sounds like fun to me, it sounds stressful. It is both--both fun and stressful. I'm like you--I prefer straightforward, non-game type stuff but flirting is some heady stuff! I guess I was never one for all of the "excessive" flirting and teasing as you say. I liked things more straight forward. I guess people get skitter-ish as they get older and fear of getting hurt causes people to be cautious, I suppose. We are both in that situation I think--we've both been scr*wed.
I would think the older you get you see the ticker counting down and if you feel a connection and if it is indeed mutual, why play all the "flirting" games.
That movie quote, "get busy living or get busy dying" comes to mind.
There's nothing wrong with it...for HIM. But she's said several times she doesn't want to date him if he's seeing someone else (whether they are dating or "whatever"). If she wants something serious then it's not smart to go after a guy who DOES want to date around - make sense?
I don't really get a sense that he wants to date around. I get a sense that he's with a woman for mainly sexual reasons and is risk averse in that he doesn't want to date someone else until he's pretty sure that she's going to be "the one." Possibly he wants to sample "the goods" so that he'll know that things will work out and I sometimes get the feeling that he wants me to chase him so that he can be absolved of the responsibility. Not going to happen here--I'll be danged if I'm going to risk my heart by jumping into bed with a man who may just be flirting with me. Anyway, he does have a reputation as a flirt but not a player so my confusion is whether he views me a possible one, or whether he's teasing and flirting with me to bolster his ego. I dunno, this is really confusing. . .
stepka, it is just a little flirting. I wouldn't take any of it too seriously. He isn't asking you out so I wouldn't allow myself to get too fixated on him.
Discipline yourself. Don't be so quick to give unavailable men your time and attention.
I would forget about this guy, he isn't what you want so don't waste your precious time on him.
I hope something good comes your way. I know you're a long time poster and I think a good man should be in the cards for you.
I know personally I prefer to be paired up. I didn't really care for "chasing" women, it all felt like a silly game to me, but I was lucky in that I never had to work hard with women, I got lucky that way, never really realized it til I read the stuff I read here. I just didn't have the same negative experiences that a lot of guys did.
I was also much younger and during those times it felt like you'd never run out of time and I hadn't had my heart kicked in too many times yet, at that point in my life.
IDK, I have a sneaking suspicion now in my later 40's things wouldn't be as easy as my 20's, if I were out there.
stepka, it is just a little flirting. I wouldn't take any of it too seriously. He isn't asking you out so I wouldn't allow myself to get too fixated on him.
Discipline yourself. Don't be so quick to give unavailable men your time and attention.
I would forget about this guy, he isn't what you want so don't waste your precious time on him.
I agree. Be nice to him, as you would anyone. He does appear to be unavailable and wants to be chased.
Know that you are too good for him.
IDK, I have a sneaking suspicion now in my later 40's things wouldn't be as easy as my 20's, if I were out there.
Good luck to you.
IDK if that's true Chow--some people seem to have an inborn sense of how these things work and they get paired up w/o too much fuss and stay married so they don't have to deal with this. Others just struggle. I suspect you're of the first type. Kind folks like you really do want to help but can't really imagine what the problem might be. When I find the right man and all this is behind me, it will be worth it, but it's hard to even imagine being happy with my love life right now. And yet, I am happy with my life in general right now so all is well. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts.
And now I'm getting ready to go out and be stupid--yes, meeting up with him tonight--no one else is coming but us. But if things don't move forward, I'm going to start looking for alternate activities lol. I refuse to do the chasing so he will have to step up if he wants any fireworks of the heart. LOL
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