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Old 11-27-2016, 01:03 PM
 
48 posts, read 37,383 times
Reputation: 56

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Hi everyone!

I am a 29 year old single female who has been in the dating scene very actively for a year now (though my friends tell me I'm doing it wrong lol).

I'm really becoming disheartened and depressed over it, with my latest disappointment especially.

I'm tired of getting attached to a guy and them disappearing or not being interested.

The latest let down was a 38 year old guy whom I talked to from OkCupid initially. We texted all day from when we woke up until we went to bed for two weeks, and seemed to have such a connection. The convos were always great and we both admitted several times (usually his initiation) that we were quite smitten with one another.

He came over Wednesday night, and everything seemed to go really well. He was super affectionate with me, cuddling while we watched Netflix, holding my hand, no kissing though. He slept over that night and there was still lots of cuddling and we stayed up very late just talking and cuddling. We were a little intimate too.

I liked him mostly, though there were a few things that did bother me about him and I felt were red flags:

1) he's been in AA since only July, I know typically when you get into AA you should wait a year to get into a relationship. He did talk about his addictive personality and how sometimes it can translate to relationships.
2) he talked about his ex a lot, even while we were in bed together. It was a 4 year relationship that ended in June and he seemed very hung up on her (and bitter).
3) he was very very negative and cynical. Even of the shows we were watching on Netflix. It just seemed like he had to put everything down.

I did have fun too and liked him, but those few things made me leery and even had me questioning if it would progress. But he was sweet and funny and I felt comfortable around him (I can be shy), so I was interested. He made references to future things involving both of us, like this was going to progress and go somewhere.

He left Thanksgiving morning and he seemed kind of awkward but I figured with how affectionate he had been the entire time, even telling me how much he liked me a few times while he was over, I figured I was just being paranoid or insecure.

I texted him to check that he got home safe (it's an hour drive) and he instantly seemed standoffish. I asked if he had fun and he said yeah, but he's not used to watching so much tv, it's not really his thing. I said sorry, I didn't think he minded and he should have said something (though I'm not sure what else we would do on a Wednesday night at my home?)

Then he states he just did that for six years and he's looking for something different, that he likes me and thinks I'm a good person but is looking for something deeper. I was pretty shocked by this and said ok well it was fun talking to you, and he said yeah likewise.

Im pretty upset. For a variety of reasons. I feel like he made a huge judgement about my character based on ONE hangout, our first one. We watched Netflix for a few hours on my couch, got take out, and talked in bed for a few hours, I thought a low key meeting the first time was no biggie. Especially since he made no suggestions himself.

I just don't know what happened. Was that just an excuse? Was he just not into me? And if that's the case, why act so strongly both verbally and physically like he did? It even has me wondering if when we were intimate something bothered him, I just don't get how he seemed to do a complete 180.

I miss talking to him and am tryinh trying to tell myself that I'm better off but this sucks
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Old 11-27-2016, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
11,583 posts, read 6,702,884 times
Reputation: 14786
Don't be discouraged! I went through A LOT of failed relationships and essentially gave up on dating when I came across my now husband of 15 years. I actually almost didn't go on a date with him and then I figured, what the heck do I have to lose. Thank goodness I went on that date! My point is, sometimes the right person will come along when least expected! Don't start the day looking for someone. Just do your normal everyday routine, work, school, going out with friends, etc. You are young and will eventually find the perfect person for you!


Also, anyone who truly likes/loves you will not talk about their ex, will not ignore you, will not put your ideas down. Move on from this person, you deserve better!!
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Old 11-27-2016, 01:21 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
OP, OP, OP! *sighhhhh*

Firstly, one doesn't become smitten with someone one has never met. No matter how attractive they seem in texts, it's not a "relationship" or "dating" to be communicating with a complete stranger. Inviting someone you don't know over to your place, AT NIGHT, for a first date---well, let's just say you're lucky you came out of it without becoming a police statistic. There's a reason it's strongly recommended by dating sites and sensible people to have the first date be a coffee date.

Secondly: you decided a 10-years-older alcoholic could be a good prospect?

Thirdly, he stayed the night (really?? You allowed a stranger to stay the night? And get in bed with you?? ), you didn't have sex, and you're now wondering why he's distant and broke things off?

I repeat: you're very lucky you came through this experience without having to file a police report. Please be more cautious and make better decisions in the future.

Yes, you're doing it wrong. Mongo wrong. Listen to your friends. Consider getting some counseling to gain an understanding as to why you're opening yourself to serious risk like this, why you're ignoring red flags, and why you're making "unusual" (=poor) choices in dating partners. In the future, by all means, heed red flags! And get to know people in person before you invite them into your home.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-27-2016 at 01:31 PM..
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Old 11-27-2016, 01:21 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,891,306 times
Reputation: 8594
Better to get to know guys more slowly at first.

BTW, this just shows how wrong guys are when they tell other guys that a woman loses interest if a guy goes into her house and/or stays over without having sex.
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Old 11-27-2016, 02:01 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,420 posts, read 47,402,095 times
Reputation: 47699
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKM3188 View Post
Hi everyone!

I am a 29 year old single female who has been in the dating scene very actively for a year now (though my friends tell me I'm doing it wrong lol).
Nothing laughable about it... your friends are right.
You are doing it wrong.
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Old 11-27-2016, 02:02 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,394,969 times
Reputation: 29336
OP, it sounds as if your man-picker is broken and you could use some help with some other issues. Your friends may all mean well but a few talks with a professional might help. Rushing to relationship is neither helpful nor sustaining.
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Old 11-27-2016, 02:32 PM
 
Location: California
352 posts, read 233,534 times
Reputation: 320
Don't dwell, or over gloom and doom on a mistake. It's all about the knowledge you gain from the rough experience and how you step forward and handle things in the future. This was a rough experience....we've all had 'em in some form.

Focus more on people face to face, or phone calls.....rather than texting/messaging. Much easier and faster to get a very clear picture. It's also pretty liberating to take a break from dating for awhile and jump back in later with a good attitude.
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Old 11-27-2016, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Italy
70 posts, read 46,387 times
Reputation: 134
Good riddance. The last thing you want in your life is a negative guy. Don't be discouraged, we learn with mistakes.

I also happened to have a similar relationship a few years ago where me and this girl talked online for 2 weeks like you guys did and we tought it was the most special thing ever. Then we met and it didn't work out in any aspect. I would say developing feelings without being face to face is dangerous and misleading.
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Old 11-27-2016, 04:39 PM
 
1,481 posts, read 1,222,033 times
Reputation: 1777
Dating 101: set up a meeting asap, in public so you can gauge whether there's chemistry IRL and for safety. It's easy to fantasize what a person is like without having met, but it's such a let down when you do meet and they don't live up to your expectations.

Your guy might have been hoping for easy sex, or not, who knows.

Sometimes OLD can get exhausting. Take a break. Spend time with loved ones or doing things that you love so you can rejuvenate, then get back on the horse. Also find other activities where you can interact with others IRL, if you're not already. Good luck
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Old 11-27-2016, 05:14 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
706 posts, read 573,030 times
Reputation: 2585
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luck-67 View Post
Don't dwell, or over gloom and doom on a mistake. It's all about the knowledge you gain from the rough experience and how you step forward and handle things in the future. This was a rough experience....we've all had 'em in some form.

Focus more on people face to face, or phone calls.....rather than texting/messaging. Much easier and faster to get a very clear picture. It's also pretty liberating to take a break from dating for awhile and jump back in later with a good attitude.
This is excellent advice! It really IS about rolling with the punches.
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