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Definitely second the "get a good attorney" part. You may have to show you didn't know about all his prior debt or else you might get stuck paying on it yourself even after you're divorced.
Really, if living in Hawaii is your dealbreaker - which it was, before you got married, then you know your answer on that and all the rest (his finances and lack of respect for your money) just cements what it is you need to do. You're only a short time in on this now - don't lose more of your time and money.
He now won't go to church with me, curses me out, ignores me to play on his phone, won't help out at home, works 2-3 days a week (sometimes more, sometimes less, which he can't always control, I know) and I just can't see myself with such an unmotivated person. I have no debt, work hard every day & try my best to be happy here. It's like pulling teeth to get him to kiss me goodnight. We're never intimate. He usually falls asleep in the living room playing games on his phone & never comes to our bed (which he threw a fit to have so I bought for almost 4 grand because he wanted an adjustable one) He never wants to go to the beach, only watch movies all day. He says he's tired all the time but he never sleeps because of his movies & games. He likes to order pizza & eat fast food all the time, which costs extra money we don't have. His mom tried to warn me about all of this, but I didn't want to listen.
I know the feeling. I was married to a cold, distant so-and-so for 9-1/2 years who was emotionally and verbally abusive. I should have left his sorry butt the night he asked me: "How could have someone like me have even become pregnant?" (I was five months pregnant). I screamed back at him: "What have I done to you, to deserve this? Nothing!" He just turned around, left and disappeared for the next 24 hours, leaving me a physical and emotional wreck. When he decided to come home, he acted as if nothing had happened. Six years later, he moved out and shacked up with his mistress. I filed for divorce, got custody of our son and moved 200 miles away. "You can't do that", he said. "Watch me", I cooed. End of discussion.
Do yourself a favor: Get yourself a good divorce attorney and leave him and Hawaii. You deserve more than what he is giving you---which is nothing.
I agree with some of the comments about the husband. But on the other hand, spouses often sacrifice and work harder to send one family member through school. Though usually it is a law or medical school...
But if I were your husband, I would not move from Hawaii to Oklahoma either. If you insist on moving to mainland, you might have to compromise on the location. Maybe Florida, NC, SC, etc. I don't think you can afford CA.
Thank you, everyone. I have a lot to think & pray about. He is definitely willing to go to counseling, so that's our plan. I don't know that it will change anything, but maybe it will allow us to communicate without yelling. Having another perspective & having them hear BOTH sides will be good. That way we're not both thinking we're right & we will have to take our lumps from an outside party. From there, I will decide for myself if it's worth it or not.
All of these comments have really opened my eyes. I don't want to be naive in life, and I can see that I have been. I'm also a fighter, so I'm not ready to give up just yet. But don't worry...i will NOT be having a baby any time soon... Or maybe ever. That has been something I've said from the beginning...we have to be financially stable & stop arguing. So I'm not even considering babies right now. I'm definitely seeing things more clearly & while that does change things, I'm willing to seek counseling of he is. I'll still welcome any other perspectives or opinions! Thanks y'all...
He now says he will never leave here, even though we barely scrape by now. He says this is just the way it is & people in Hawaii just make it work & if I don't like it, i should leave now. I never thought I'd be considering divorce for such a stupid reason!
This is not the only reason you should consider divorcing him.
I personally could not be attracted to a man of this caliber. However per what I said above...I would read what's written below, over and over until it sinks in. He is who he is...no amount of counseling is going to change his behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie1three
He now won't go to church with me, curses me out, ignores me to play on his phone, won't help out at home, works 2-3 days a week (sometimes more, sometimes less, which he can't always control, I know) and I just can't see myself with such an unmotivated person. I have no debt, work hard every day & try my best to be happy here. It's like pulling teeth to get him to kiss me goodnight. We're never intimate. He usually falls asleep in the living room playing games on his phone & never comes to our bed (which he threw a fit to have so I bought for almost 4 grand because he wanted an adjustable one) He never wants to go to the beach, only watch movies all day. He says he's tired all the time but he never sleeps because of his movies & games. He likes to order pizza & eat fast food all the time, which costs extra money we don't have. His mom tried to warn me about all of this, but I didn't want to listen.
When I get upset with him, he always finds a way to turn it around on me & I end up apologizing. It's always my fault when he yells or curses or gets upset because if I didn't bother him, things would be fine. He says I talk too much & am never happy. I'm starting to feel that way...
If you did not have money issues, would you still want to leave Hawaii? If your income was double and he had no truck payment, would you view this differently? Is the lack of money is resulting in the disagreement and the answer is to run away from that back to Oklahoma, for what? Are you looking to return to a family safety net in Oklahoma?
To me, if he is in school and that will result in him being gainfully employed after completion, I would both try to find better paying jobs now, in Hawaii, and stick it out until he graduates. That would take some of the pressure off. He may need to get a second job. You could possibly find a better paying job. I would look to lower my living expenses by getting out from underneath a truck he can't afford.
Increase the income, reduce the expenses and get him through school as quickly as possible and then go from there.
I over looked one other thing that I wanted to touch upon. He has almost a free ride if he stays married to you. I wonder if this is his motivation for agreeing to go to counseling? If you leave there goes $2500 a month that he knows he will miss.
Make a list of what you pay vs. what he pays.
You pay:
Rent
Bills
Groceries
Your car insurance
Gas
Anything extra
He pays:
Cell bill
His truck note
His truck insurance
His CC
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie1three
I pay the rent, bills, groceries, my car insurance, gas, and anything extra that we might want or need (I'm not a shopper or spender so it's not much) He pays the cell bill, his truck payment, his credit card payment, his truck insurance & that's it. He also gets $100 for each of his paychecks for "fun money" I spend over $2500 a month on our things & bring home around $2600,so nothing left over. (rent is NOT cheap & trust me, we don't have a nice place, Hawaii is very expensive) and he really doesn't contribute much for us besides the cell phone. I know he will make more when he graduates, but he doesn't save anything now, so it's frustrating! I never get to put anything away at the end of the month.
Looks like he's got a pretty good deal with you around. I don't understand what you see in this guy that makes you want to spend another day being married to him? Sorry I just don't understand. You are young enough to get out and salvage your life. Don't waste any more time in this dead end situation. Life is short and you have to look out for yourself. Our individual Time is a precious commodity...don't waste it.
My husband & I dated for 8 months before we married. We've now been married almost 2 years. We're both in our 30s. It's my 1st marriage & his 2nd. He is from Hawaii. I was living here (Hawaii) for a job. So we met, fell in love quickly & married. He knew I didn't want to stay here forever & that I would eventually want to move home to be near family (Oklahoma) but I said I would be okay for a while to make him happy. He said he would consider moving, but he also never saw himself leaving Hawaii. I know, I know... We probably just said what the other wanted to hear because we were in love, but now we are on completely different pages.
We fight all the time about finances. I didn't know he had so much debt & is horrible with his money. He put me in charge of finances, but now he gets mad when I say we don't have enough for something. He works in trades so jobs aren't steady & he's not union. He'll be done with his trade school in 2 years when he will hopefully start making more.
I have a government job, but don't make much at all. I pay the rent, bills, groceries, my car insurance, gas, and anything extra that we might want or need (I'm not a shopper or spender so it's not much) He pays the cell bill, his truck payment, his credit card payment, his truck insurance & that's it. He also gets $100 for each of his paychecks for "fun money" I spend over $2500 a month on our things & bring home around $2600,so nothing left over. (rent is NOT cheap & trust me, we don't have a nice place, Hawaii is very expensive) and he really doesn't contribute much for us besides the cell phone. I know he will make more when he graduates, but he doesn't save anything now, so it's frustrating! I never get to put anything away at the end of the month.
He gets in moods where he decides he has to have or do something. One month it was surfboards, the next is hockey, or knives. I don't feel it's fair that he buys stuff from our account for his hobbies when I sacrifice all my money for us. He always "pays it back" but that's after I've had to dip in my account for things. (I have an account that my pay goes to, we have a joint that his pay goes to, minus the 100 that he puts in his own account) Our account was supposed to be for bills & groceries but theres never enough in it.
He now says he will never leave here, even though we barely scrape by now. He says this is just the way it is & people in Hawaii just make it work & if I don't like it, i should leave now. I never thought I'd be considering divorce for such a stupid reason!
He now won't go to church with me, curses me out, ignores me to play on his phone, won't help out at home, works 2-3 days a week (sometimes more, sometimes less, which he can't always control, I know) and I just can't see myself with such an unmotivated person. I have no debt, work hard every day & try my best to be happy here. It's like pulling teeth to get him to kiss me goodnight. We're never intimate. He usually falls asleep in the living room playing games on his phone & never comes to our bed (which he threw a fit to have so I bought for almost 4 grand because he wanted an adjustable one) He never wants to go to the beach, only watch movies all day. He says he's tired all the time but he never sleeps because of his movies & games. He likes to order pizza & eat fast food all the time, which costs extra money we don't have. His mom tried to warn me about all of this, but I didn't want to listen.
When I get upset with him, he always finds a way to turn it around on me & I end up apologizing. It's always my fault when he yells or curses or gets upset because if I didn't bother him, things would be fine. He says I talk too much & am never happy. I'm starting to feel that way...
I have really started to hate Hawaii. The people are rude, it's crowded, expensive & quite backwards. I used to love it & was a member of a canoe club but gave it up because he thought it was stupid. His mother keeps pressuring us to have a baby, but his dad knows we're struggling so he always says to take our time. Every family gathering, we get questions about when we're going to start a family. Its frustrating!
I know it takes two & we both stupidly thought the other would give up their dream of where to live. But lately, I feel like the only one who works on our marriage. I am so against divorce, but I really don't want to have kids & it be too late to leave. I always prayed to have a caring, loving husband who would be a provider, not THE provider, but that we could both help out equally. He just really doesn't treat me the way he did when we were dating. I'm sure I've changed too.
Does anyone have any advice? Maybe hope for a reluctant to move spouse situation? Or even a kick in the pants for me or us to do something different... I know I'm definitely not perfect. Any pearls of wisdom?
I don't want to give up, but everything in me right now is screaming & longing for my family & going back home. Change my perspective if you have any insight
Thanks for reading...
Reread what you wrote, those are the reasons you should give up and get out of this marriage.
If you decide to stick it out for whatever reason just understand that in 5, 10, 15, 20 years when your life continues to suck, you will have nobody but yourself to blame.
Have some respect for yourself, go see a divorce lawyer.
OP, your marriage is over before it's barely even got off the ground. Leave now before there are kids. He's not interested in working things out, and has reverted to adolescence, it sounds like. If you're not intimate, maybe you could even get an annulment--easier than divorce.
You said you two married fairly quickly; now you know why people have long engagements. They provide an opportunity for red flags to pop up, if there are any. You've got a whole forest of them. You didn't know he had so much debt? You're supposed to find that out before getting married. You're supposed to look at each other's finances, and discuss future financial goals, how to meet them, and all that. Being on different pages with finances is one of the primary reasons people divorce. The other reason is differences in sex drive.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-06-2016 at 10:59 AM..
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