Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My husband & I dated for 8 months before we married. We've now been married almost 2 years. We're both in our 30s. It's my 1st marriage & his 2nd. He is from Hawaii. I was living here (Hawaii) for a job. So we met, fell in love quickly & married. He knew I didn't want to stay here forever & that I would eventually want to move home to be near family (Oklahoma) but I said I would be okay for a while to make him happy. He said he would consider moving, but he also never saw himself leaving Hawaii. I know, I know... We probably just said what the other wanted to hear because we were in love, but now we are on completely different pages.
We fight all the time about finances. I didn't know he had so much debt & is horrible with his money. He put me in charge of finances, but now he gets mad when I say we don't have enough for something. He works in trades so jobs aren't steady & he's not union. He'll be done with his trade school in 2 years when he will hopefully start making more.
I have a government job, but don't make much at all. I pay the rent, bills, groceries, my car insurance, gas, and anything extra that we might want or need (I'm not a shopper or spender so it's not much) He pays the cell bill, his truck payment, his credit card payment, his truck insurance & that's it. He also gets $100 for each of his paychecks for "fun money" I spend over $2500 a month on our things & bring home around $2600,so nothing left over. (rent is NOT cheap & trust me, we don't have a nice place, Hawaii is very expensive) and he really doesn't contribute much for us besides the cell phone. I know he will make more when he graduates, but he doesn't save anything now, so it's frustrating! I never get to put anything away at the end of the month.
He gets in moods where he decides he has to have or do something. One month it was surfboards, the next is hockey, or knives. I don't feel it's fair that he buys stuff from our account for his hobbies when I sacrifice all my money for us. He always "pays it back" but that's after I've had to dip in my account for things. (I have an account that my pay goes to, we have a joint that his pay goes to, minus the 100 that he puts in his own account) Our account was supposed to be for bills & groceries but theres never enough in it.
He now says he will never leave here, even though we barely scrape by now. He says this is just the way it is & people in Hawaii just make it work & if I don't like it, i should leave now. I never thought I'd be considering divorce for such a stupid reason!
He now won't go to church with me, curses me out, ignores me to play on his phone, won't help out at home, works 2-3 days a week (sometimes more, sometimes less, which he can't always control, I know) and I just can't see myself with such an unmotivated person. I have no debt, work hard every day & try my best to be happy here. It's like pulling teeth to get him to kiss me goodnight. We're never intimate. He usually falls asleep in the living room playing games on his phone & never comes to our bed (which he threw a fit to have so I bought for almost 4 grand because he wanted an adjustable one) He never wants to go to the beach, only watch movies all day. He says he's tired all the time but he never sleeps because of his movies & games. He likes to order pizza & eat fast food all the time, which costs extra money we don't have. His mom tried to warn me about all of this, but I didn't want to listen.
When I get upset with him, he always finds a way to turn it around on me & I end up apologizing. It's always my fault when he yells or curses or gets upset because if I didn't bother him, things would be fine. He says I talk too much & am never happy. I'm starting to feel that way...
I have really started to hate Hawaii. The people are rude, it's crowded, expensive & quite backwards. I used to love it & was a member of a canoe club but gave it up because he thought it was stupid. His mother keeps pressuring us to have a baby, but his dad knows we're struggling so he always says to take our time. Every family gathering, we get questions about when we're going to start a family. Its frustrating!
I know it takes two & we both stupidly thought the other would give up their dream of where to live. But lately, I feel like the only one who works on our marriage. I am so against divorce, but I really don't want to have kids & it be too late to leave. I always prayed to have a caring, loving husband who would be a provider, not THE provider, but that we could both help out equally. He just really doesn't treat me the way he did when we were dating. I'm sure I've changed too.
Does anyone have any advice? Maybe hope for a reluctant to move spouse situation? Or even a kick in the pants for me or us to do something different... I know I'm definitely not perfect. Any pearls of wisdom?
I don't want to give up, but everything in me right now is screaming & longing for my family & going back home. Change my perspective if you have any insight
you were screwed from the start when you didnt sit down and talk about money before marriage.
Get on the same page now or divorce.
Get on the same page means sitting down with him CALMLY and setting a budget and doing it together. Theres no " he pays this, i pay that"...you both pay together. He doesnt get play money.
Gosh, just divorce the lug and move back home. Cut your losses and get out while you have so little time vested in the relationship. ..you'll be lucky you did.
You know for sure if your marriage is worth anything when if you stand up for what you know is right and he falls in line or at least is willing to try something new, like moving to the mainland. If he isn't then you don't have much going on there do you? Less than 3 years in you won't loose much but some pride.
We did sit down before, but I didn't control his spending then, so I didn't know he was so bad about it... Sigh, I have tried so many times to sit down with him, but he just immediately gets angry because he doesn't have any more money to contribute so he can't give us any more. I only said I pay this & he pays that to say where our money goes. Mine goes to us, his goes to him. We had said that it would be so great because we could essentially each pay half of everything & we would be able to save so much... But that's not happening.
He says that maybe when he finishes school & gives his boss a couple years back after he's licensed, we can talk about it. But he wants a family like yesterday & in 4 years I could have kids & then what...im stuck here?
When I say we either move one day or I can't stay, he tells me to leave his island. I know he says it our of anger, but it feels horrible. I don't even have to be in Oklahoma, just somewhere where when we have a family, we don't have to get public assistance. He says if this happens, he'd rather be on food stamps & live in Hawaii, than be rich & live anywhere else. It's tremendously depressing. Hawaii is its own little ethnocentric state. If you're not from here, you don't belong. Ive lived in 5 states & never had anyone make me feel unwelcome because I wasn't from there.
He really isn't a horrible man. I love him so much. He really has helped me grow & see things in myself that need work. I know he loves me & wants us to work, but it feels that I'm the only one working on us. I truly hate where this is headed...i don't want to be divorced & I don't want to put him through that. Goodness...
Not being on the same page on where to live and management of money are huge issues. I think you may want to consider professional counseling. You are miserable in Hawaii, he may be miserable in Oklahoma..... really tough situation, add to that money problems. Again, maybe time for counseling.
But you are willing to let him put you through all of the misery in keeping you both afloat financially? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I went through 25 years of marriage with a guy like this and didn't want to leave because I didn't want to hurt him. Well, he ended up leaving, filed bankruptcy, and stuck me with a debt that took me years to pay off. I guess I am jaded because of this, but it makes me crazy to see smart women let a guy do this to them.
We did sit down before, but I didn't control his spending then, so I didn't know he was so bad about it... Sigh, I have tried so many times to sit down with him, but he just immediately gets angry because he doesn't have any more money to contribute so he can't give us any more. I only said I pay this & he pays that to say where our money goes. Mine goes to us, his goes to him. We had said that it would be so great because we could essentially each pay half of everything & we would be able to save so much... But that's not happening.
He says that maybe when he finishes school & gives his boss a couple years back after he's licensed, we can talk about it. But he wants a family like yesterday & in 4 years I could have kids & then what...im stuck here?
When I say we either move one day or I can't stay, he tells me to leave his island. I know he says it our of anger, but it feels horrible. I don't even have to be in Oklahoma, just somewhere where when we have a family, we don't have to get public assistance. He says if this happens, he'd rather be on food stamps & live in Hawaii, than be rich & live anywhere else. It's tremendously depressing. Hawaii is its own little ethnocentric state. If you're not from here, you don't belong. Ive lived in 5 states & never had anyone make me feel unwelcome because I wasn't from there.
He really isn't a horrible man. I love him so much. He really has helped me grow & see things in myself that need work. I know he loves me & wants us to work, but it feels that I'm the only one working on us. I truly hate where this is headed...i don't want to be divorced & I don't want to put him through that. Goodness...
It sounds like youre justifying his behavior....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie1three
I'm pretty sure that is our next step...i don't know how we will pay for it, but counseling is what I want & he says he'll go.
Not being on the same page on where to live and management of money are huge issues. I think you may want to consider professional counseling. You are miserable in Hawaii, he may be miserable in Oklahoma..... really tough situation, add to that money problems. Again, maybe time for counseling.
I would try this before talking to a divorce attorney, but at some point you're going to have to make that call. I think you jumped the gun here and got involved and married much too quickly and didn't think about the 'small stuff'.
Good luck; I can't even imagine the stress you're under...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
