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Sounds like the guy is in a different phase of life. Nothing wrong with that. You know who he is now, so make a decision to accept him or move on.
Most of the women I know make more than their partners. It's pretty common nowadays.
There really isn't anything wrong with it. It's his choice. It's his life. But his personality and hers are entirely incompatible. Neither is "wrong," per se...but they're definitely not meant to be together, whether it's just a life phase (because who knows? It might not be...this might just be his personality) or not. They're a poor match.
Love... that's another topic altogether. I don't feel crazy about him, but I like hanging out with him. I asked my therapist if I should keep looking for Mr Perfect who, in an ideal world, would sweep me off my feet and would be my everything.
My therapist confirmed what I already knew- there is a difference between the ideal world in our head and the daily reality. Very few relationships are based on that crazy movie love. My therapist confirmed another thing: you choose the best of what's available or you agree to be alone, waiting for The Prince, who may or may not come. I would rather not get to be 80 and single just because I saved myself for an imaginary prince.
So yes, my bf is a nice guy, I care about him, I want him happy. I am not swept off my feet by him, but I would rather hang out with him than be totally alone. And I'm not looking to get married
You're doing what so many people here do: jumping to extremes. Just because you haven't found a guy who's a good match yet doesn't mean you'll be single into your 80's.
If there's no one who's a good fit in your environment at a given time, instead of grabbing the most tolerable one, keep circulating. Be patient. What if you commit to a guy who has few interests in common with you, and 2 years later, someone comes into your life that you really click with and have a lot in common with? This is what's so unfair when people grab a placeholder, engaging someone else's emotions, only to dump them when something better comes along. Instead of doing that to people, develop some independence, and look for people on or near your professional level or with your interests and life goals. At your age, there are plenty of those around.
You're doing what so many people here do: jumping to extremes. Just because you haven't found a guy who's a good match yet doesn't mean you'll be single into your 80's.
If there's no one who's a good fit in your environment at a given time, instead of grabbing the most tolerable one, keep circulating. Be patient. What if you commit to a guy who has few interests in common with you, and 2 years later, someone comes into your life that you really click with and have a lot in common with? This is what's so unfair when people grab a placeholder, engaging someone else's emotions, only to dump them when something better comes along. Instead of doing that to people, develop some independence, and look for people on or near your professional level or with your interests and life goals. At your age, there are plenty of those around.
It's not "jumping to extremes". It's "settling". ...but of course, we agree on that. Someone who lists ballet and theater as their interests isn't going to have a heck of a lot in common with a former enlisted man who is majoring in criminal justice at the local state school to be a cop.
When I was in my late-20's/early-30's, I dated a lot of women in that age group who were in warp speed with the relationship. After 30 days, you'd been vetted with all their friends. Symbolic things like meeting family were getting pushed at me. I suspect that a lot of it was driven by a ticking bio clock and that I checked all the essential husband material check boxes. It chased me away. Unfortunate because I bailed out on some quality women and then made the mistake of settling for the wrong person myself a few years later.
You're doing what so many people here do: jumping to extremes. Just because you haven't found a guy who's a good match yet doesn't mean you'll be single into your 80's.
If there's no one who's a good fit in your environment at a given time, instead of grabbing the most tolerable one, keep circulating. Be patient. What if you commit to a guy who has few interests in common with you, and 2 years later, someone comes into your life that you really click with and have a lot in common with? This is what's so unfair when people grab a placeholder, engaging someone else's emotions, only to dump them when something better comes along. Instead of doing that to people, develop some independence, and look for people on or near your professional level or with your interests and life goals. At your age, there are plenty of those around.
If you wrote a book, I would buy it. Seriously. You always provide so much wisdom.
Call it, "The Book of Ruth". I'll give you the title for free.
I have to say, I thank everybody for their advice. Someone wrote to me a personal comment saying this guy isn't my intellectual equal. I may be in a state where I don't see things clearly, however I do have the vague feeling that there's nobody out there who's someone equal in everything, and then how do you go about that? Just as an example- my ex husband was definitely my intellectual and financial equal, but we pretty much didn't have any sex (his libido was low), and didn't want kids. Then I dated someone who was my financial AND spiritual equal, but, again, problems with sex, which made me feel unwanted, unsexy, etc.
I like the idea of waiting to find The One. But then I look at the reality around me- I don't see one happy long lasting marriage in which both are happy forever. I also see women in their 50s who are still single and childless because they've been too picky. It's nice to be romantic (and believe in a soul mate), it's nice to be religious (and believe in a God-sent one). But what if every day reality sends a stronger message than books and ideals?
The OP tries to be engaged in life. Theater. Ballet. Travel. She's dating a couch potato video gamer who wants to be a cop. What could they possibly have in common to talk about? This isn't a money problem. It's a compatibility problem.
Don't settle. It will turn out badly.
But her complaint isn't that he declines to "engage in life" by refusing to go to the theater or ballet with her; only that she has to pick up the tab when they go on these hoity-toity outings because she's the one who suggests them and has the means to pay for them. So what's the problem? Is this the post-women's-lib 21st century or not?
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