Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ive joined this forum in search of some advise. This is my first post and I would like to give as much detail as possible to help any advise givers enough info to steer me in the right direction. Thank you in advace to anyone who can help, and sorry if this post is lengthy.
Im a 31 year old male with a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together a year or so now.
Im very self aware that i have become insecure as hell in the past couple months of our relationship.
The relationship started out strong and on a very positive note. Neither of us had been in a relationship for a year or two previous to ours. Both of our prievious partners had cheated. But i seem to struggle with that much more than she does. I was in my previous relationship for around 6 years before finding the courage to leave. It was an emotionally abusive relationship and i believe one of, if not the main root cause for my current insecurities.
In my current relationship, around 6 months into our relationship i noticed on a number of occasions she had private conversations going with 3- 4 guys on various socail media sites. This realization wasn't from 'snooping' as more so just being observant when she would check messages laying in bed beside me ect. I had no reason what so ever to be concerned until that point. I never made it an issue, but did kind of wonder if there was anything to it. I eventually got over it.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, and i started noticing some inconsistancies as some of the things she would say she was doing, vs what she was actually doing, with time frames not quite lining up with what she would tell me when we would talk about our days. I never made a big deal out of it or mentioned it because she can be a bit dingy at times and i dont want to seem controling ever in the least bit. Some things just didnt quite add up. Enough so for me to notice.
I do know she flat out lied to me on one occasion when i asked her how her day off was, and what she'd been up to (friendly conversation). I had a friend see her somewhere and mentioned it to me (at Target). This bothered me and i asked her in a friendly mannor about it, but she stuck by her story and i havent brought it up sense then. It was not a big deal at all other than she seemed to have lied for no apperent reason. We did get into a small disagreement over that. I dropped it.
Sense then ive been insecure as hell and she see's it. I keep falling back into how i felt when i found out my ex was cheating and how betrayed i felt. I can't shake the feeling. It took me a good 2 years to get over that. Or at least i thought i was until now.
I will be clear that i do not feel she is cheating. Quite positive of it.
This girl has been the first that i have actually ever wanted to marry. Other than the above mentioned points, we have an amazing, loving relationship. I knew from the first couple months that we'd get married one day. I love her very much. Our families have bonded and every aspect seems good. Other than these recent insecurities , all has been well.
I have a 'gut' feeling she's hiding something and i cant put my finger on what it is, if anything. She can be shady at times. But i feel most of me thinking that is again me being insecure. Im very aware of my insecurity and i want badly to fix that part of myself, and ive talked to her about it a couple of times and she's assured me all is good, no need to worry. From everything I've read and learned, the majority of the problem lyes within myself. I feel i may even need counciling to get past it, im not sure. Sometimes i find it difficult to flip a switch and become a secure alfa male, at least at this point. Im constantly trying to inprove myself.
With all of that being said im hoping for some guidance and advice. I feel ive really driven a wedge betwen us the past month or two, pestering her with silly questions on a 2- 3 occasions, and not being so "easy going" and "care free" as i normally am. I can defiantly tell shes becoming more cold and distant. But today i decided id reach out for some help, i want to resolve this issue so we can both be happy and she doesnt up and leave, if its not too late already.
I never made it an issue, but did kind of wonder if there was anything to it. I eventually got over it.
I never made a big deal out of it or mentioned it...
I dropped it.
I would recommend two things:
1) Talking to your GF without being sheepish or apologetic. You would like to improve your relationship, and you know that you have a problem with insecurity stemming from feelings you haven't dealt with from the previous relationship. Frame it in a caring way that shows her you are interested in improving things, not making them worse.
I have irrational feelings sometimes. When they won't go away, I have to go to my spouse and sheepishly explain. (perfect word wmsn4life!!)
I think we all have our moments.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Thank you for the input. I will mention that on each of the occasions when i found myself concerned about something, that i did go to her and talk to her about it in an effort to kerp an open line of communication. Ive expressed small concerns 2- 3 times over the course of the relationship. But I've noticed a pattern that i seem to be the one that has concernes sometimes, which seem legitimate, and that she never does. Which makes it a little more difficult to "keep" bringing up things like that. Im possibly feeding my insecurity, not sure.
On another note i have checked into seeing a therapist a little although i havent taken that leap. I felt i could hopfually get over this on my on.
OP, you said the previous relationship was abusive, and that you hung on far too long, which means you were taking the abuse too long, not to mention the emotional abuse of being cheated on. This amounts to trauma. You have suffered a trauma. You would benefit tremendously from seeing a counselor who specializes in relationship trauma. It's great that you've already been thinking of seeing someone for that. I think you'll find yourself relieved once you follow through, and start getting some good guidance and support, and some techniques for recovering from those wounds.
I don't know about all the little things with the current gf. But the thing about her wanting to hide that she was in Target made me think that maybe she feels guilty sometimes about shopping. Maybe she wanted to hide that she was spending money she couldn't afford to spend. Or maybe she's a little bit of a shopaholic. That could explain it. Just a thought that popped into mind. Some women do that. These little moments could have nothing to do with the relationship between you and her.
You should seek counselling. I have no idea what is going on with your girlfriend. But I will say that you shouldn't let the past control the present. I have been cheated on before, a few times, in fact once my boyfriend had an affair with my friend. But, I am married now, and dealt with all of that before I got married. My husband isn't my ex, and I trust him. He was also cheated on in the past, but he trusts me. We worked all that out before we were together.
There needs to be a discussion about the lying. It could be as Ruth surmised, that she was doing something, like shopping, she feels guilty doing, but casual lying, IMO, is a red flag, particularly early in the relationship.
Both of you are coming off of bad relationships. To heal, both of you need to be able to trust each other, and it appears that the lying is threatening that trust. Address that quickly.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
(perfect word wmsn4life!!)
