Is it typical for long-term married couples to frequently bicker and bring each other down? (children, advice)

[37 Pieces of Flair]

I seldom see bickering and tearing of each other down in long term married couples. I very rarely see those types of relationships make it to even the 10 year mark.

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate a partner trying to tear me down and starting fights for no good reason for more than 10 minutes. That's probably the fastest way to get me drop-kick someone out of my life for good with both my middle fingers held high.

[bande1102]

I don't see bickering between long term couples. This is mainly because I try to avoid socializing with bickering couples--no matter how long they've been together. Fwiw, I've been married 25 years. We don't bicker.

[Frihed89]

The real issue isn't that this sort of thing exists, but rather how a couple can recognize it early enough to stop doing it.

[Stagemomma]

Typical, maybe. Desirable, no.

[WolfGirl42]

It exists, it happens. I know couples who don't and couples who do; maybe more of the former than the latter but my experience there is probably atypical.

I do think the answer is to know when to leave petty things and when to talk about things that really matter, and to be honest with each other. That, and to, ultimately, recognise that people are flawed and conflict brings out hte worst in each other so it's easy to get stuck in an escalating cycle of being upset with each other.

Myself, it's a whole bunch of constantly imploding disaster , so I guess by all means do take my advice with a grain of salt when I can't even keep things with my own wife good :/

[HappyFarm34]

Thanks y'all for your perspective and advice on the subject. I have listened to my mom belittle and nitpick my father for as long as I've been alive, even in front of others. It's sad my father is too passive to do anything about it.

[Chowhound]

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

Thanks y'all for your perspective and advice on the subject. I have listened to my mom belittle and nitpick my father for as long as I've been alive, even in front of others. It's sad my father is too passive to do anything about it.

Don't be fearful of that, it doesn't have to repeat.

[WolfGirl42]

I know that feeling. I often feel like it's a stereotype perpetuated by a lot of media that married couples are inherently unhappy and pick at each other all the time, and I do wish I could say it isn't true but for many people it is. Ultimately, it's one of those things that I hope will change but is so deeply embedded into the subconscious of so many people that such behaviour is acceptable that I really don't know if/when

[DontH8Me]

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

Thanks y'all for your perspective and advice on the subject. I have listened to my mom belittle and nitpick my father for as long as I've been alive, even in front of others. It's sad my father is too passive to do anything about it.

Bad news: this is apparently the behavior your parents modeled for you.

Good news: it appears you realized that this is no way to live, and you can make a conscientious decision to not replicate this in your own relationship(s).

[jimrich]

Is it typical for long-term married couples to frequently bicker and bring each other down?
LOL, only if they are too lazy or stupid to learn how to do it right!

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

I think that is the one of the roots of my fear to commit to another person in a relationship. Seeing long-term married couples who have been married 30, 40, 50+ years bickering and belittle their spouse make me not want to get married ever. Maybe it's a toxic relationship and I don't realize it.

How do most long-term married couples act?

Any long term (or any-term) couple that has bothered to LEARN HOW to make their relationship work well can and will have a wonderful, loving, respectful and HAPPY union ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
Most of us were not taught, at home, how to have such a wonderful union and fewer still take the time to LEARN HOW so you have all these unhappy couples, plodding through life, like drunken sailors, simply due to IGNORANCE!
And what is sad is that learning and USING good relationship skills (google it) and methods is SO EASY!