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If you have been ghosted many times, I can see your point of view, but dinner dates can be causal and not expensive
Thanks, Troy, and agreed. Can I have something to eat with my drink if I had intended to pay for it myself, or is someone going to get all rigid and point fingers: "this is NOT a date!" I don't know what's with these black and white 'this is not acceptable!' type thinking, I always assume they are not having any fun on their don't-call-it-a-date, and thats why they get ghosted. Not bc sneaky wimmenz.
I've made the mistake of going out to eat for dinner for a first date with ladies I met online.
One ended up ordering two entrees lol. Apparently to take home with a doggy bag to eat later.
Needless to say that was a one time thing lol. I no longer take ladies out to eat unless we've known eat other for a bit.
Obviously bad form to order two entrees - that takes some chutzpah - if I was on the paying end of that I'd say "Which one of those is mine?" and seriously consider walking if she didn't immediately say it was a joke.
I don't think either men or women want to invest much in a first meeting - it seems to be "How can I show the least amount of interest in terms of time, money, and effort while still having a chance of keeping them around (for a second date, hookup, whatever the goal is) in the rare even they actually can meet my standards?" It is truly a very fine line to walk - hence the reliance on "hanging out" or coffee rather than a traditional date.
Obviously bad form to order two entrees - that takes some chutzpah - if I was on the paying end of that I'd say "Which one of those is mine?" and seriously consider walking if she didn't immediately say it was a joke.
I wonder if he announces: "I will be paying for everything, so keep that in mind." Why not just assume she's paying for 2 entrees, it would have been a good indicator of her character to ask for separate checks after she placed her order. I don't know where Mike gets these women, but he did admit to taking mentally ill women out on dates previously, so that explains some of it, anyway.
I don't know how the dinner date got sold to the public, especially the OLD public, as a normal thing for a first date. It's not surprising they rejected it. It's not practical for stranger-dates.
And yet it was done for decades and after, even after online dating became a thing.
And such is why I no longer do dinner dates with a woman I just met.
Starbucks, Panera, something to that extent. Call me a cheapskate, but I'll be damned if I'm doing a restaurant, only to be ghosted. Make me out to be "cheap", I'll make her out to be "insecure" & "immature". Who's got time to deal with that?
Among people who already knew each other --at least to some degree.
They had actually interacted and more than once, very likely worked in the same office
or building, or nearby, or went to the same school etc. Their paths crossed.
But even these folks rarely started with any sort of fancy or expensive dinner.
A sandwich at lunch? Sure. A happy hour drink? Sure. But very rarely more.
Don't confuse a date with a first meeting from OLD.
It doesn't help the cause or purpose of either one.
I never go for dinner during the first few dates, I usually just stick to casual drinks at a bar. For me having dinner with somebody I don't know particularly well is just awkward...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsRick24
They took you for the free meal. I know, 'cause it's happened to me.
How do you know that they just took you for a free meal? I mean, if it was a first date, how would they know whether they are going to like you or not in advance? If a guy invites a woman out for dinner, they have dinner, and she just isn't into him, should she go for a second date just so she doesn't give you the impression that she was just interested in a free meal?
I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but I just can't wrap my head around why somebody would be so desperate for a free meal that they would agree to go on a date with somebody just for that purpose. It's weird.
...I just can't wrap my head around why somebody would be so desperate for a free meal
that they would agree to go on a date with somebody just for that purpose. It's weird.
They don't.
The larger implication, and rather often the reality, is that the dinner (or more) is her sole objective.
Even if she might also want to include sex at some point she isn't looking for more.
In many cases she really isn't capable of having more because of other considerations in her life
...or just a defective personality.
I've done all kinds of dating: online, speed dating, and old fashion met in person dating. Never once did I go on a dinner date as a first date with a stranger. I've only been on dinner dates with men I met before (knew well before we started dating) and and even then usually our first actual date wasn't dinner. Usually dinner dates come after more causal dates.
It's interesting to go back and look at it. I usually liked (and suggested) something like drinks or a coffee shop for a first date (especially men I met online). I also wanted (and offered) to pay my own way on such first dates. And maybe it's silly of me, I preferred these dates to be daytime or early evening at best (like right after work, meet for a happy hour or coffee).
From my point of view, it's a bit uncomfortable/awkward to have some stranger pay my way for something when I don't know if will or won't be dating him after meeting. And with online dates, my experience is men are nothing like they describe themselves online so the chances of that man being a good match are pretty slim. Although maybe that is true of most people (we see ourselves differently than others see us).
But the point is, online dates were not necessarily WYSIWYG when you meet offline and I hated to be in a position of having some poor guy putting out money when there was a good chance of no real interest after meeting. It just felt "bad" to me. That's the only way I can describe it.
If a man agreed to a coffee shop first date, it was easy to buy my own. I just got there early and would be there will my coffee when he arrived (like another poster said she did). Same with meeting for drinks (I'd order and pay and be waiting when he got there).
A fair amount of men insisted on something more than coffee or drinks though: lunch. That was a it harder for me because the "lunch guys" also seemed to be the type to insist that the man pay (yes, there are men out there who insist on paying). Even if I told the guy I wasn't interested, they paid anyway. That's just who they were.
My now boyfriend (awesome man BTW) also took me out on a lunch date. It's funny, because before I even offered to pay, he looked at me and asked, "would you please do me the favor of letting me pay for lunch?" Mind reader! lol
I didn't end up in a relationship with my boyfriend because it was lunch not coffee and it wouldn't have been "better" if it was dinner. We just had so much in common and just clicked within about 15 minutes of meeting each other: it was like we were old, long lost friends! Our little "lunch date" lasted hours, well into the restaurant's dinner hour. And even then we still went for a long walk to keep talking because neither of us wanted the day/evening to end. Never had a first date before that was like that.
My point is, venue doesn't matter. The people do. So don't waste time and money on a dinner date because most of those (as first time meet and greets at least) will fizzle out. Not because someone is using you for free meals, but because people aren't the same when you meet them as they seem online. And because of that, it's a lot of hunting and not easy to find someone you really click with. You could meet that person on date #1 or #2, but more than likely with will take dozens of dates to meet someone like that and you should budget accordingly. Save the big spending for someone who is special in your life, not some stranger you are just meeting for the first time (unless, of course, you can afford something more and prefer to do something more knowing full well it might not work out).
From my point of view, it's a bit uncomfortable/awkward to have some stranger pay my way for something when I don't know if will or won't be dating him after meeting.
Yep. I never saw any reason for a virtual stranger to pick up my tab.
At best, it's fairly presumptuous, at worst, with some people, it sets up some degree of expectation that things may unfold differently than they're going to (as evidenced by the preponderance of, "I spent ××× and stillgot the brushoff, she just wanted a free meal, wimmins is users!" rhetoric).
Quote:
My point is, venue doesn't matter. The people do.
Yep.
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I don't know where Mike gets these women, but he did admit to taking mentally ill women out on dates previously, so that explains some of it, anyway.
