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I have been reading other post about control and debates on divorce. I was just lurking but found myself.
I have many days off due to my work schedule and I find myself many days looking at the clocking wishing I was at work or counting how many days I get until I get to go back to work.
I am depressed, and drinking too much. Not an alcoholic but I am recognizing that I am drinking a glass of wine 2-3 days a week because I am bored, feeling sad, or trying to act like my alone time is quiet reflection... instead of what it really is frustration and depression.
I want counseling... but don't have the energy to follow through on anything.
Not getting a 2nd job, not going to the doctor. I know I am depressed and beginning to loathe myself.
I hate the woman I have become... controlled by my husband... insipid and simple woman that *I* used to pity.
My husband didn't want a wedding, we eloped even though it was my dream to be the blushing bride.
My husband decided holidays were pagan... we didn't celebrate.
My husband decided no more kids after the first... my daughter is an only child.
My husband decided that immunizations are harming children... my daughter has not completed her immunization.
My husband thought this school or that school was not right for my daughter... she is 7 and has gone to 4 different schools including a semester of "homeschooling".
My husband decided that his next house will be in Canada, California, Arizona, Texas, Florida, Alaska up north, out in the country, in South America... the list goes on and on... everywhere except in nice quiet suburb in Michigan within commuting distance of my job... so we stay in a house that we both dislike because on this issue, and my career, I have stood my ground.
I guess I am doing the wimping thing by going behind his back and buying a newly built house in that nice quiet suburb. I am 41, I don't like where my life is. I need a change but can't bear to walk away. I think I maybe harming my daughter to break her family.
But I feel guilty when I leave her home with him. He is so verbally and mentally abusive. He yells so loudly that she starts to cry. He and I have had arguments were he ridicules and belittle me. He has called me every name when he is angry, and then sometimes apologizes.
I can remember when I met him, I thought if we got married and he didn't cheat on me... that I could work through the rest. Well he doesn't cheat... so I always figured that "nobody's perfect... those other women who judge me harshly have men that run around on them and give the diseases or have other children". My husband I do belive loves me the best he knows how... and always (irritatingly) reminds me that if I don't like it, I am free to go.
]My husband I do belive loves me the best he knows how... and always (irritatingly) reminds me that if I don't like it, I am free to go.
Hon, without a doubt, I believe that you *get* all of this. (I only quoted this last part because seemed "overkill" to quote the rest, and because, yes, this basically sums it all up)
At the end of the day, it's up to YOU to determine where you want to be and how you wish for your daughter to be raised. And, if your husband is that dismissive, please don't take it personally. That's HIM speaking from his personal perspective, and has nothing to do with your worth.
You know where you want to be, and if you need a virtual push with this, I'll be more than happy to give it to you. I LIKE seeing people who *get* things. If you're momentarily blinded by this "marriage" thing, that can be dealt with. But, at the end of the day, this is about YOU, and about your daughter. You SEE that, and I beseech you to follow your instincts.
His controlling ways don't jive with what you want. KUDOS to you for seeing that. So many women don't.
In short, I personally will stand behind you in where you're at now. Maybe try counseling. Try to, from a healthy standpoint, work on this relationship. But, if, at the end of the day, it doesn't work, that's acceptable too. At least from this person's perspective.
change comes in small amounts. try to find one thing to change and concentrate on it. remember, if you divorce then your child will be spending time with him that is mandated and you will lose that control. you sound like a very smart lady, just wanting a happy marriage like most of us. go outside for a walk, meditate or pray, whatever works for you. ask for guidence, wait for the answer, it will come, good luck
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,536,653 times
Reputation: 999
We have a lot in common. Love Michigan, moved to Indiana for the wrong man.
I worked 16 hr days for three years, for the money (to finance his toys) and to be away from him and his terrible family.
He was "ok" with our young daughter, but I would often come home in the morning and find her asleep on the couch still in her little school dress and tights, he hadn't taken the time to bathe or put her in her jammies.
There are tons of other things that I won't get into here.
But I can tell you this. I could have been divorced much sooner if I had acted on my intuition and not stuck it out for our dysfunctional family. I was a stoic sell out. I would have stayed married for our daughter, but it's a catch 22. I gained my sanity back, but my daughter is a child of divorce.
My husband also hated holidays and family gatherings to the point he didn't participate. We co-habited for years.
I know there is nothing in my post that is clear cut advise, but I wish only to tell you that your story is very very common and so unfortunate. I don't know what it is about some married couples, they lose the team they should be.
I don't regret the divorce, I've said it a hundred times, I left with a fork and my last $100 dollars and now rent a beautiful home in an affluent area with a top school district, I'm on my eighth year.
You'll know what to do and the most important thing to remember, stay calm, give yourself a little bit each evening to regroup and plan for your and your child's success, whether that be remaining married or divorced. Acknowledge each evening, as you go to bed, each thing your are grateful for, even though it might not seem like there is much to be thankful for right now. Trust me on that.
I am afraid that if I did leave him as opposed to him leaving me, that I would see his really ugly side. He would attempt to take my daughter away... becuase of course he doubt I could do a good job raising her.
My daughter is at the age that she mainly wants to be go with me whereever I go but if I am telling her what to do... she will say that she is going with her dad (just because she is acting like a spoiled brat).
But I am terrified that he would take her away. I feel he knows this and uses my fear to manipulate me into complying with his will.
I don't know how to ease out of this. I am thinking when I close on this new house I am going to let the chips fall where they may... maybe I call his bluff or maybe he will leave in a huff. At least I will have the home of my dreams. Right now, the house, both cars, everything is in his name alone.
He has discussed get rich schemes that will ruin both of our credits. I have finally come out of the bankruptcy fog and now have good credit, excellent and reliable source of income... so I feel the urge to quickly buy a house before he blows up our credit.
I have taken over paying bills... something he would never trust me to do because he is not sure that I am capable. But he is tired of handling the bills so I am now doing them. So I am feeling better about new slice of independence (having controll of the money). I have also negotiated an "allowance" for the both of us. This is providing income for me that I can put aside for myself.
I do have my own credit cards but wasn't allowed to use them because his financial style is to buy nothing on credit, use the card that gives the best points etc... so that of course is his credit cards... (he has the better credit).
I have been approved for this loan on my own credit and my own income. He was able to buy the house we live in without me anywhere on the credit app. When he refinanced and pulled out equity, I was no where on the credit app. I could not even ask questions about the mortgage because I wasn't on the loan.
I am on the title (quick deed).
I just want out (75% of me) but 25% is afraid of being an old lonely divorcee, single mom with an out of control (Monte Williams show guest) daughter.
I realize that my secret financial dealings is probably the dumbest thing I have done.. but it is the gutsy move I have done in a long time. I am guess the worst thing that could happen is I lose the earnest money. (shurg) It is my money... I can make more. speaking of money... to clarify... I make twice the money he makes, yet since he is the man, and this is his "castle" he runs the show here.
"If he had his way", my daughter would be homeschooled and I would be stay at home(further isolating us). I think I would kill myself if that were to become the case. I can't wait to get back to work where people are normal and I can act/feel normal.
When I want to go out of town to visit my family, he makes me feel guilty about going... and then calls after a few hours later to lecture me about getting back home because our daughter should be in bed etc. I live 1 hour from my mom and I see her maybe every 3 -4 months. When my family calls, suddenly there is something urgent I must do, he needs to speak to me about or suddenly the house that was okay while we watch mindless tv, now suddenly I need to get off of the phone to clean up. Because of this... I feel uncomfortable to socialize with coworkers outside of work for fear that he would act out in front of them and they would realize what a loser I really am for putting up with this.
Wow. writing about this is reminding me of things I have forgotten
Just want him to go away, and that makes me feel sad because I do love him. And I feel he loves me... he is just too controlling and too unstable for my comfort.
You're preaching to the choir as far as I'm concerned, hon.
You have excellent reasons for feeling like you do, and I would urge you to follow your feelings.
The bottom line that I see is that you don't dig "the man" as he's presented himself. So, trust yourself enough to "go with it".
Yes, of course, you have mixed feelings about it, but, just keep strong in your own self, and what YOU feel. Yes, he probably does love you, but, as I've learned, love is a two-way street and does not require one partner to be the masochist.
It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", at least initially, but you need to take the reins, as the strong woman that you obviously are, and control this situation.
I wish you the best, and all the strength in the world, for you and your daughter.
do not put yourself in danger, call your local hospital for the number for the battered woman's shelter, do not tell him, assure your family you will be protected but imo you may be in a very dangerous spot. godspeed and good luck. your daughter and you need to go into protection.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,536,653 times
Reputation: 999
If you articulated to the courts and their representatives (they assign someone to your daughter and check out both households and parents) what you have described to us here, you have nothing to worry about. You have the income and the sensibility to recognize how harmful his disposition is.
I'm all about education, one of the best things I did was fight to keep her in the same school district. And when I say fight, I fought, my court file was three inches thick on just the education aspect.
We have a lot in common. Love Michigan, moved to Indiana for the wrong man.
I worked 16 hr days for three years, for the money (to finance his toys) and to be away from him and his terrible family.
He was "ok" with our young daughter, but I would often come home in the morning and find her asleep on the couch still in her little school dress and tights, he hadn't taken the time to bathe or put her in her jammies.
There are tons of other things that I won't get into here.
But I can tell you this. I could have been divorced much sooner if I had acted on my intuition and not stuck it out for our dysfunctional family. I was a stoic sell out. I would have stayed married for our daughter, but it's a catch 22. I gained my sanity back, but my daughter is a child of divorce.
My husband also hated holidays and family gatherings to the point he didn't participate. We co-habited for years.
I know there is nothing in my post that is clear cut advise, but I wish only to tell you that your story is very very common and so unfortunate. I don't know what it is about some married couples, they lose the team they should be.
I don't regret the divorce, I've said it a hundred times, I left with a fork and my last $100 dollars and now rent a beautiful home in an affluent area with a top school district, I'm on my eighth year.
You'll know what to do and the most important thing to remember, stay calm, give yourself a little bit each evening to regroup and plan for your and your child's success, whether that be remaining married or divorced. Acknowledge each evening, as you go to bed, each thing your are grateful for, even though it might not seem like there is much to be thankful for right now. Trust me on that.
Wow just reading your post makes me feel a little better. I must admit that I am feeling like a failure. He pushes my buttons when angry saying how I have a hard time "keeping a man".
You seem pretty happy being a divorced. I keep telling myself that I MAY be sad after divorce but I COULD be happy too. But one thing is for sure: I know that I AM sad NOW being married. Divorce is unknown possiblities, but this marriage as stands is guaranteed misery. Truly for all 3 of us.
You all are right... I should get a divorce.
so sad. I have known for months now. I am in position to finally be on my own... I finished school (bachelors) and on day shift (used to work midnights)... there is no reason to not allow things to progress naturally.
I am giving up on dreams of more kids (for my daughter to play with) and having the house in the suburbs.
I guess I married the wrong man. or maybe he was Mr. Right for that time in my life and we have grown into different people. I know he has changed... cancelled cable because TV is bad for you, and now wants to going on religious pilgrimage first to Israel, and now to India... not the nice parts, the dangerous, dirty nasty parts.
I am grateful that one parent can't get a passport without the permission of the other parent. There is no way I would allow my girl to get a passport. I truly believe that he and she would disappear because I might allow her to eat hot lunch as school (another one of his fears that the food they feed the kids in school is harming them so my daugher takes cold lunch to school now.)
He is crazy. Truly, and it is driving me mad to live with a crazy person. And my daughter.
I think I am going to tell him that I will agree to a divorce (financial separation) and then allow us to drift apart.
But my daughter would have to spend time with him out of my control. Maybe I should stay to minimize her alone time with him.
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