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I get what you are saying- I'm just loath to give people advice to change their own standards in the name of "giving people a chance".
Yes, of course, if one avenue of finding people is not working, by all means, change it up. I may be giving people too much benefit of the doubt, but I do believe that most people *do* have a concept of what will, and will not, work for them in terms of a potential relationship. Preferences, deal breakers, that sort of thing. If someone is not finding what they desire, should they change these things around? Not necessarily, IMO. I think it goes back to what the OP suggested- it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't "do it for you".
I don't think we disagree. I'm not suggesting that someone date someone who definitely "doesn't do it for (them)". And in your case and a few other women's cases, you either have a definite type or you know from experience that you'll find someone physically attractive almost immediately, or not. I suspect the vehemence of some of the women's responses are a carryover from other discussions about women being too picky, which I agree is BS, and in any case I believe (like my opinion counts in your personal life decisions) that everyone should do what works for them.
I do think some people are wired differently and people can grow on them, not from a beast to a beauty but perhaps from a "well, maybe", to a "hell yeah". Now if you're not wired that way, or if you aren't all that motivated, I would never suggest that you try something different. If someone has found a decent relationship both from an immediate physical spark being part of the initial attraction and from someone becoming more attractive to them, I'd probably suggest that they go with the spark approach next time because one factor is already known in that approach as opposed it to being only a possibility. This isn't meant to be general advice and I in no way endorse the idea that there's something morally superior about giving someone a chance. It might be practical for some people, though.
Someone who is getting nowhere with one approach might want to test whether another approach works. Not so they can end up long term with someone who doesn't do it for them. Dating someone once or twice isn't a major commitment, and while it is a small investment, if you're ready for a relationship and you have been for, say years, and you're not getting anywhere waiting for lightning to strike, then maybe........
I know a couple people who tried this approach where it ended up working out in the end- but that's it. I have a slew of women from my past where I could say the same thing you just did.... "great girl in every way, lots in common, but...."
My struggles with women are pretty well documented on here. I've had no luck at all with women.wheter approaching or online or wherever.
I've always said i don't have rigid physical standards at all I'm attracted to a lot of different types of women but I know I'm not capable of dating a women I have no physical attraction to at all.
People said it was shallow I should give them a chance etc
So I went on a date with the first girl to show me any interest in years from old. I wasn't physically attracted to her at all and gave it a shot and while she was a very cool girl I still couldn't get over the lack of physical attraction.
Worst part was she really liked me and it was hard for me to say no to her and think of excuses to say other then I don't find you physically attractive at all.
I know no I'd rather be alone then with somebody I don't find attractive physically at all. It sucks but I just can't donitv
Kudos to you for at least giving yourself a chance to find out if the physical attraction would be there. There was no physical attraction and that is OK. Never apologize for it.
I've never gone on a date with anyone who I found absolutely unattractive but I have gone on dates with lots of people whose looks weren't particularly impressive to me. I gave them a "chance" because they were decent people and I thought that if I got to know them better, my physical attraction to them might grow. It didn't. I still don't think there's anything wrong with giving someone a chance, but I also think I've done it enough times to see that it doesn't work for me.
I think you have separate RL and OLD that's always the rule imo. If you met them in RL that's the true test but online someone might just have bad pics. So there's more grey areas with OLD I try to lean towards giving them a chance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
That's why you don't do long dates, but short meets. When I was OLD, I gave just about everyone a 20 minute meet for coffee unless I found them actually ugly or weird, etc. These were all close dates, some I walked to. At the end of the coffee, I'd just say "it was nice to meet you but I don't think we're a good match". Yes, it sucks to have to say that, but you'll survive. To me it's like job hunting, you get what you put into it, and I really wanted to meet someone and wasn't meeting enough people in my area.
Most of them I wasn't attracted to in person either, but a couple looked totally different in person in a better way and that led to more dates. I am actually someone who looks 100X better in person then in photos for whatever reason, and there are others who are not photogenic, either. Same with personality, some people are not that good with writing but very good conversationalists in person. I figured "why not take a chance, I have nothing to lose but half an hour", no big deal.
I must state too though that I do not engage in computer "small talk" for weeks, I want to meet right away so I know. To me "meet many but don't waste much time on any" was efficient for me. It also helped me mentally, because just having dates lined up kept me from feeling as hopeless as I would feel when I was going months between dates.
No one is telling anyone else how they should date, I simply disagree that you can tell chemistry reliably without meeting face to face, and that opinion is formed from my own experiences meeting men I didn't really think I'd be attracted to (and vice versa, I also met men I had great chemistry with and attraction to online and zero in person). If you read the thread, you will see in all my threads I said I couldn't date anyone I wasn't attracted to and neither should anyone else. Everyone should do what works for them, but for those who are not having success, of which there are many, it might be good advice for them.
I think the way you were doing OLD is the perfect system and wish more people followed it. There is absolutely no point in the endless 9 word messages back and forth with each other. If you're serious about OLD, set the date to meet or cut the bs and stop wasting peoples time on the sites.
I never had a need for perfection, and I could overlook a lot if I really liked the person but sometimes I couldn't.
One guy was really nice and I liked him and he loved me but he was ugly. I tried to overlook it but I couldn't. The level of ugliness was too great.
There was another guy who was nice and fun to be with but he was pudgy in a way that I couldn't overlook. Probably that had more to do with chemistry then appearance.
If you really aren't attracted, there is nothing you can do about it. Usually a person is attractive or unattractive because of who they are, not what they look like but physical attraction does matter and that is chemistry as well as appearance.
My struggles with women are pretty well documented on here. I've had no luck at all with women.wheter approaching or online or wherever.
I've always said i don't have rigid physical standards at all I'm attracted to a lot of different types of women but I know I'm not capable of dating a women I have no physical attraction to at all.
People said it was shallow I should give them a chance etc
So I went on a date with the first girl to show me any interest in years from old. I wasn't physically attracted to her at all and gave it a shot and while she was a very cool girl I still couldn't get over the lack of physical attraction.
Worst part was she really liked me and it was hard for me to say no to her and think of excuses to say other then I don't find you physically attractive at all.
I know no I'd rather be alone then with somebody I don't find attractive physically at all. It sucks but I just can't donitv
I haven't read the pages of debate and drama, only the above. ^^^
If it hasn't been covered ten times by now, hold your standards. The physical part is huge, when times get hard (no pun intended...in fact during rough times things are rather flacid...), time passes, boredom, other female opportunities come up to cheat etc, it is the complete physical and mental closeness that keeps you in a fulfilling relationship.....and out of trouble.....and out of near bankruptcy for some.....
So...consider the long run. Pick well...there is no perfection but you want the very hot chick (in your eyes) that you can deal with and likewise she for you.
With your soulmate I find you don't mind,there's many boys I couldn't like because of how they look,I skip them on okcupid.but I've found the boy I'm currently in love with if he became obese or a burn victim I would still be madly in love with him.
I never had a need for perfection, and I could overlook a lot if I really liked the person but sometimes I couldn't.
One guy was really nice and I liked him and he loved me but he was ugly. I tried to overlook it but I couldn't. The level of ugliness was too great.
There was another guy who was nice and fun to be with but he was pudgy in a way that I couldn't overlook. Probably that had more to do with chemistry then appearance.
If you really aren't attracted, there is nothing you can do about it. Usually a person is attractive or unattractive because of who they are, not what they look like but physical attraction does matter and that is chemistry as well as appearance.
I'm not looking for perfection just what's attractive to me.
No one should have to justify what they want. Each individual has to live their life. If a person wants someone who is a top 10 model in looks, and can't have it any other way, then do it. Doesn't matter if I or the rest of the world doesn't agree with you, we are not living your life. If you only want a virgin, cause you are a virgin, then roll with it. Stop looking for other's approval of what makes you happy, figure it out for yourself and roll with it.
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