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Nope, far from it. I had a great childhood. The problems started in high school when I thought I would start dating girls, like any normal guy does. By the time I reached my senior year having never dated, I declared myself a loser. The latter part of the school year rolls around, and I found myself in a conversation about senior prom. In 1990, this one girl was hinting that she would like to go to the prom with me, and did everything short of actually asking me herself. I was like, "Why would you want to go to prom with a loser like me?". So I ended up not going because I didn't have a date. On my graduation day, since I still had never dated anyone, I just went home and went to bed immediately after the ceremony. I didn't stick around for any social activities of any kind.
In 1995, I tried online dating when it was in its infancy (and free, unlike nowadays). I met a nice girl on there who I had a lot in common with, and we started a relationship not long afterward. I thought everything was perfect until about a week before Valentine's Day in 1996 she dumps me out-of-the-blue. I spent the whole day at her college, visiting her and hanging out. When I got home, there was an email waiting, bearing the subject line "We need to talk". I don't need to tell you the rest of the story.
So, that breakup confirmed that I am a complete loser and unworthy of a relationship. I have been like this ever since.
Women are atraced to strength and confidence . You need to work on how you feel about you , before you can expect someone else to want you .
You might want to give it another go. It is possible to overcome those things that we endured when we were young.
Maybe. After all, therapy has come a long way between 1994 and 2017. Plus, as a full-grown man, I'll be able to push back against therapy methods that are New Age-y, invasive, or downright bizarre. You know, crap like complimenting yourself in the mirror, or being told to rehash your feelings over and over again, all of which was later discovered to retraumatize the patient and make depression worse. Or being told naive things like: "Your classmates like you the way you are; you just have to stop trying to impress them", when I mentioned getting teased about not being into Michael Jordan. (Remember: it was the 90's in Chicago!) Not to mention, I was expecting a life coach of sorts (before I knew such a term verbatim), and got the emotional equivalent of Britain in India. I think that's the flaw with child therapy: the child is never explained what the sessions are supposed to be like until he goes in.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldwoman
Plus ... whether we want it or not, loneliness is part of the human equation. I tried abstaining from any sort of relationship for 6 years. I couldn't do it. I became too lonely.
It's a difficult thing to find someone who will be intimate with you and that you can trust, but it can be done.
Loneliness creeps up from time to time, but it's better than having a significant other who forces her way of life on me. To add insult to the injury, even my own family sent me messages, subtly and overly, that my wife will have full control of my life. Such as saying that I will need to always sacrifice for her sake, and when I asked "Who will sacrifice for me?", they had no answer. This doesn't even factor in the common TV tropes, where the wife is the queen, and the husband is her emotional servant.
And my social life isn't too shabby, so loneliness isn't usually a factor. While my long-time friends pretty much threw me in the garbage, Meetup stepped in to pick up the slack. And it's doing a great job at it too: board game nights, trivia contests, road trips to state parks, bowling, salsa nights, watching sports, etc. Both men and women come to the events. I even hang out with a few Meetup people informally on occasion. I've had my past girlfriend tell me to close my Meetup account, even after I told her I had fun at the events and never did anything inappropriate. I knew she was just trying to control me, because she's done that with other things, so I stood my ground and kept going. She still kept trying to control me and harped on me in public. I broke up with her, and never looked back.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-04-2017 at 07:59 AM..
Do you have eyes that shine and lips that smile? Do you often use them? Do you have a wonderful personality and can you engage in good conversation? Are you a genuinely good person, hardworking, fun and interesting to be around? Are you secure in your own skin .. do you like yourself?
If so, there is someone out there for you ... the perfect match for you if you don't judge them by their appearance but by their character, as you want them to judge you.
That said, you could be trying too hard too. Your best bet really is to just live life as it comes and be content with yourself. That is a 'chick magnet' far more than 'chasing skirts' constantly. And desperation will be your downfall - so just get on with life, neither telling yourself that you will or must attract the perfect person nor telling yourself you will be a bachelor all your life.
OP, the fact that you've never had a serious relationship doesn't have ANYTHING to do with your looks, but with your attitude. I've seen the ugliest guys with girlfriends, wives and kids, same vice versa. There is someone for everyone. Plus, attraction isn't just based on conventional beauty standards.
You've never had a girlfriend because your attitude and insecurity is a huge turn off. You call yourself a loser and unworthy? Nobody is unworthy of love, and I really think you should see a therapist to work on your self esteem. Once you've passed that, once you realize that you absolutely CAN find someone, you will. You should also try online dating, many people have found their partner through that. But first therapy. And- It's never too late (My mom found the love of her life with 53, btw).
Wait. OP was in a relationship with college girl for several months and is still a virgin? How does that even happen?
OP I will say it again. You have a pity addiction and will even go out of your way to mess things up so you can be the sorriest, saddest boy on the planet and get lots of attention for it.
I bet you've told everyone you know about your pathetic prom and your friendless graduation night. You get off on people feeling sorry for you.
Is this the way you want to live your life? Preying on other people's compassion while your soul rots away from self-hatred?
Please gt therapy. Tell them you want to stop the cycle.
Please gt therapy. Tell them you want to stop the cycle.
Why is "therapy" the answer for everything?
Therapy can be helpful once in a while, but very often, it does more harm than good. At best, it wastes the patient's time and money, and lines the pockets of insurance companies. At worst, it retraumatizes the patient, and pushes him into unhealthy or dangerous behaviors to cope. That was my own experience with therapy. Not to mention the proverbial crevasse between the fully controlled world a full-grown adult lives in and the powerless world a 9-year-old kid lives in. Or someone who lucked out and found a non-controlling LTR vs. someone like the OP. It's like a expecting a 1%-er to understand the poverty a laid-off steelworker deals with. Granted, it was in the 90's, when Ritalin and naive platitudes were de rigeur, but still.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-04-2017 at 08:58 AM..
Because therapy is the treatment. How do you suggest treating an illness without going to a health practitioner? How do you suggest overcoming addiction without professional intervention? Prayer?
OP has a diagnosable illness/addiction that is ruining the quality of his life. He needs treatment.
Women are atraced to strength and confidence . You need to work on how you feel about you , before you can expect someone else to want you .
The OP is
U.N.DA.T.E.A.B.L.E!
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