Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I read this with reservation but I could have been the subject of this article.
One thing I identify with is the vulnerability with just asking someone something. Growing up I was horrified to ask either one of my parents anything, not because I feared the word no, I feared an over the top reaction from my mother and being let down, again, by my father. I remember asking my father to do things with me, him agreeing, and then not delivering on his commitment. I remember asking my mom about topics and her freaking out and berating me because I wanted to get information. How do I get up a courage to ask a woman anything romantically when all I've known is getting berated or disappointed when I ask something?
It is a major step when you recognize where your though patterns stem from. But as you can see from the talk, even the therapist had to go see the therapist, which is the bigger step. I truly don't believe you, and anyone, can fix this yourself without being given some tools to work with to make those changes and free yourself from patterns of the past.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,733,093 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
I hope realize that it took courage, the kind the speaker is talking about, to post this.
Courage wasn't the first thing to come to mind when I posted, but I appreciate it. I just try to reason with my self when I post that I'm already without a relationship, I have nothing to lose with being honest with myself and hope it leads to gain down the line. But when it comes to pursuing women, I forget if she says no, I likely will be in the same place, single which isn't the end of the world.
I read this with reservation but I could have been the subject of this article.
One thing I identify with is the vulnerability with just asking someone something. Growing up I was horrified to ask either one of my parents anything, not because I feared the word no, I feared an over the top reaction from my mother and being let down, again, by my father. I remember asking my father to do things with me, him agreeing, and then not delivering on his commitment. I remember asking my mom about topics and her freaking out and berating me because I wanted to get information. How do I get up a courage to ask a woman anything romantically when all I've known is getting berated or disappointed when I ask something?
If you are going to choose ONE person to represent a gender why not pick a good role model instead of a bad one?
I think you know intellectually that one person cannot and does not represent an entire gender (race, religion, etc.) but you are having trouble translating that fact to yourself emotionally.
Without that, I do not think you have a very good chance at a healthy relationship.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Courage wasn't the first thing to come to mind when I posted, but I appreciate it. I just try to reason with my self when I post that I'm already without a relationship, I have nothing to lose with being honest with myself and hope it leads to gain down the line. But when it comes to pursuing women, I forget if she says no, I likely will be in the same place, single which isn't the end of the world.
Well done.
You have changed a lot, for the better.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,733,093 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
If you are going to choose ONE person to represent a gender why not pick a good role model instead of a bad one?
I think you know intellectually that one person cannot and does not represent an entire gender (race, religion, etc.) but you are having trouble translating that fact to yourself emotionally.
Without that, I do not think you have a very good chance at a healthy relationship.
I don't know if it's picking as opposed to who is most visible to you as an example. I know intellectually my parents should only be one example of each sex but the emotional self is based so much on how your parents and you interacted. You may have other examples of people who conduct themselves differently but who's closest to you is going to be the example that gets reinforced the most.
I've been out of my mother's home for 7 years, it has taken that long to disassociate some of the lessons I learned from her in regard to putting myself out there and handling rejection. Not that I don't have a lot of ownership in my issues and she didn't make mistakes in providing an example on purpose but 22 years of programming takes a while to break down with healthier examples.
I like this part, when she's describing people who have a strong sense of love and belonging:
They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
Also, the part about the risks of numbing your emotions in order to circumvent vulnerability.
I think we don't talk about the bold statement enough. Through my friend circle, some of them believe I'm too picky, or too quick to end something before it even begins. By feeling this way around some of my friends, I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have at the tail end of 2015, because I was really betting on the relationship working. By betting on my relationship more, I ended up swallowing my emotions more. The relationship ended early 2016 and her and I talked about the failure of the relationship a couple of months later. I was at a healthier place emotionally, so I was capable of indulging how I felt. After I told my side, she commented on why I didn't share my emotions sooner? I stated that she was going through a lot with school, bills, and her parents, so I felt the emotions I was feeling weren't as important as hers.
Sometimes people don't want to rock the boat or they hope the relationship will get better as time goes on. Also, if someone's been dating a lot, but hasn't had much relationship experience, they may numb their emotions more in order to keep the relationship going. That's not too unheard of at all.
I don't know if it's picking as opposed to who is most visible to you as an example. I know intellectually my parents should only be one example of each sex but the emotional self is based so much on how your parents and you interacted. You may have other examples of people who conduct themselves differently but who's closest to you is going to be the example that gets reinforced the most.
I've been out of my mother's home for 7 years, it has taken that long to disassociate some of the lessons I learned from her in regard to putting myself out there and handling rejection. Not that I don't have a lot of ownership in my issues and she didn't make mistakes in providing an example on purpose but 22 years of programming takes a while to break down with healthier examples.
I'm 50 and still unlearning examples of my parents.
I think that sounds more discouraging than it is.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I read this with reservation but I could have been the subject of this article.
One thing I identify with is the vulnerability with just asking someone something. Growing up I was horrified to ask either one of my parents anything, not because I feared the word no, I feared an over the top reaction from my mother and being let down, again, by my father. I remember asking my father to do things with me, him agreeing, and then not delivering on his commitment. I remember asking my mom about topics and her freaking out and berating me because I wanted to get information. How do I get up a courage to ask a woman anything romantically when all I've known is getting berated or disappointed when I ask something?
Amen, brother. For me the journey started with finally telling my mother to stick her judgment where the sun don't shine. (Not literally.) I guess for me finding the courage to be myself was part of growing up. This is something we think of as occurring sometime in one's 20s and then just is finished. This does not seem to be the case. The courage to be yourself (ask someone something or risk rejection in any of its forms, whether it be romantically, a work related thing, anything social... whatever) comes from being able to accept oneself and be more comfortable being rejected as oneself than accepted for something else. I am pushing 50, and it is still a work in progress for me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
