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Old 01-27-2017, 12:58 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,705 posts, read 19,877,794 times
Reputation: 43031

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linguist View Post
Ahhhh, the reason this thread is so long, I guess. And the reason I am still sticking around. I dont know if that is just his personality or what but definitely requires patience.
Another example, we texted yesterday, he asked me about my day, I asked him back, and so on. That was around 8pm. Then, at 11.30 he texts me good night. I was already asleep and saw it in this morning and replied "good morning, have a great day." No reply.
I dont get it. We never texted good night before (we dont even text every single day). I was happy he maybe wants to start doing it, and then no reply to good morning. Aghhggg
Not everybody is glued to their phone all the time.


It is not that you are expecting too much. I know what you want and you are entitled to. This person just is not the kind of person who gives you all what YOU expect. He gives you what he is willing to give, which isn't enough for you. It may be enough for a super busy woman who has different (less) expectations.


I dated guys before that were like that guy. You don't know if he just isn't that interested or generally like that. If I would have told them "hey, I need to hear from you every day" they would have thought I am needy or desperate.




Then I had a guy who was all over me and gave me everything and more and I thought "wow, this is how it needs to be!!!"


Everybody is different. I get a good morning and good night text every day if I am not with him. He calls me on the way home from work. He cannot text at work so he goes hiding somewhere to send me a quick text just to let me know he thinks of me. We have tons of problems but at least this part - he has it down. Even after 2 years.


If I am ever single again, I will not settle for less than that kind of person.


So again - I don't think it makes a difference if he is in love with you or not - he just is not that kind of person that will ever be what you need and want. I wouldn't waste my time and look for a more passionate person. But don't forget - passionate people are often also passionate trouble makers ...
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Old 01-27-2017, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,748,584 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linguist View Post
Ahhhh, the reason this thread is so long, I guess. And the reason I am still sticking around. I dont know if that is just his personality or what but definitely requires patience.
Another example, we texted yesterday, he asked me about my day, I asked him back, and so on. That was around 8pm. Then, at 11.30 he texts me good night. I was already asleep and saw it in this morning and replied "good morning, have a great day." No reply.
I dont get it. We never texted good night before (we dont even text every single day). I was happy he maybe wants to start doing it, and then no reply to good morning. Aghhggg
Honestly, since I've stuck with this thread from the beginning, here is my assessment.

Based solely on the way you have described things:

1) he sounds interested in you but unable/unsure how to express that.

2) You have a LOT of expectations and can be very impatient. That inadvertently will set up a partner for failure (just a warning).

3) You are not the best communicator either, for whatever reason. I believe the reason is tied to #2, that you want a man who will magically, automatically meet your expectations so you won't HAVE to express your desires OR register any protest or question his actions.

He is not that man, and I am not sure there is a man who can do that.

You two so far are playing the physical role of "couple" without the associated emotional intimacy that would resolve most of these concerns you have. That is very common, though, when you sleep together without really knowing each other.

If you two are to spend more time together, I would suggest being VERY patient, more encouraging, and more expressive.

He may follow your lead.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:06 PM
 
109 posts, read 52,366 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Not everybody is glued to their phone all the time.


It is not that you are expecting too much. I know what you want and you are entitled to. This person just is not the kind of person who gives you all what YOU expect. He gives you what he is willing to give, which isn't enough for you. It may be enough for a super busy woman who has different (less) expectations.


I dated guys before that were like that guy. You don't know if he just isn't that interested or generally like that. If I would have told them "hey, I need to hear from you every day" they would have thought I am needy or desperate.




Then I had a guy who was all over me and gave me everything and more and I thought "wow, this is how it needs to be!!!"


Everybody is different. I get a good morning and good night text every day if I am not with him. He calls me on the way home from work. He cannot text at work so he goes hiding somewhere to send me a quick text just to let me know he thinks of me. We have tons of problems but at least this part - he has it down. Even after 2 years.


If I am ever single again, I will not settle for less than that kind of person.


So again - I don't think it makes a difference if he is in love with you or not - he just is not that kind of person that will ever be what you need and want. I wouldn't waste my time and look for a more passionate person. But don't forget - passionate people are often also passionate trouble makers ...
Yes, I totally get it. My last bf was like yours. He texted and called every day. There was not a single night that we missed good night text. We held hands in public and kissed too often (too much PDA). But after a year or so, he got too busy (sometimes the entire day without a single text) and put his work before me (and told me so).

By now you got a sense what kind of person I am, and of course I had to end it. Thinking about it now, I wonder if he was geniuine in his effort. Part of the reason, I am tolerating this now.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:10 PM
 
109 posts, read 52,366 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Honestly, since I've stuck with this thread from the beginning, here is my assessment.

Based solely on the way you have described things:

1) he sounds interested in you but unable/unsure how to express that.

2) You have a LOT of expectations and can be very impatient. That inadvertently will set up a partner for failure (just a warning).

3) You are not the best communicator either, for whatever reason. I believe the reason is tied to #2, that you want a man who will magically, automatically meet your expectations so you won't HAVE to express your desires OR register any protest or question his actions.

He is not that man, and I am not sure there is a man who can do that.

You two so far are playing the physical role of "couple" without the associated emotional intimacy that would resolve most of these concerns you have. That is very common, though, when you sleep together without really knowing each other.

If you two are to spend more time together, I would suggest being VERY patient, more encouraging, and more expressive.

He may follow your lead.
Thank you sooo much for your response and for sticking with the thread from the beginning. Not sure about him, but what you said about me is 100% sure, especially the part about being impatient and expecting to sit back and get what I want from a man. And, actually thanks to some of your posts, I am learning to be more patient and not expect too much too soon.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Florida
23,159 posts, read 26,116,327 times
Reputation: 27898
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linguist View Post
Part of the reason, I am tolerating this now.

Don't just tolerate it. Ask yourself how much of it is you wanting more than any ordinary person would expect.
I don't mean you have to give what you want up...but how much of it is more than even a really sincere nice guy is used to doing and if you are convinced he is sincere, is it enough for you or will that one thing be more than you are willing to do without...or compromise on?
Are you the one that mentioned you're used to guys 'falling all over you'?
If so, is that what you NEED?
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:22 PM
 
109 posts, read 52,366 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Don't just tolerate it. Ask yourself how much of it is you wanting more than any ordinary person would expect.
I don't mean you have to give what you want up...but how much of it is more than even a really sincere nice guy is used to doing and if you are convinced he is sincere, is it enough for you or will that one thing be more than you are willing to do without...or compromise on?
Are you the one that mentioned you're used to guys 'falling all over you'?
If so, is that what you NEED?
Yes, I mostly have the experience with the guys "falling all over me." And that explains maybe my unreasonable expectations. However, as I said the last bf was doing that in the beginning, only to become distant and busy after a year.
So, I am willing to give this guy a chance. If he is sincere and cares about me, I am willing to accept how he communicates with me as well as his personality in general (if he shows me he cares in other ways).
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,748,584 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linguist View Post
Yes, I mostly have the experience with the guys "falling all over me." And that explains maybe my unreasonable expectations. However, as I said the last bf was doing that in the beginning, only to become distant and busy after a year.
So, I am willing to give this guy a chance. If he is sincere and cares about me, I am willing to accept how he communicates with me as well as his personality in general (if he shows me he cares in other ways).
You have to monitor, though, how long and how much you're willing to accept things and whether deep down it's what YOU REALLY want.

That's called settling, and it's hard to live an entire lifetime in that mindset.

Sure, admirable qualities can make up for a lack of passion (or whatever you want to call it) but over time if you're just tolerating someone you're supposed to be loving, resentment can develop.

It's very tough to balance. Just keep it in mind and REALLY pay attention to your gut feelings.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:35 PM
 
Location: Florida
23,159 posts, read 26,116,327 times
Reputation: 27898
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
You have to monitor, though, how long and how much you're willing to accept things and whether deep down it's what YOU REALLY want.

That's called settling, and it's hard to live an entire lifetime in that mindset.

Sure, admirable qualities can make up for a lack of passion (or whatever you want to call it) but over time if you're just tolerating someone you're supposed to be loving, resentment can develop.

It's very tough to balance. Just keep it in mind and REALLY pay attention to your gut feelings.



Yes, but it's just as bad, if not worse when, as she said, the lovey-dovey stuff ceases after awhile, when the infatuation phase ends.
Asking if she'd go on the pill sounds very much like he'd like to see this relationship continue for more than 'next week'
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:40 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,271,342 times
Reputation: 4766
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Yes, but it's just as bad, if not worse when, as she said, the lovey-dovey stuff ceases after awhile, when the infatuation phase ends.
Asking if she'd go on the pill sounds very much like he'd like to see this relationship continue for more than 'next week'
I'm just thinking out loud, but isn't it a little early to suggest someone to be on the pill, so you don't have to wear a condom? Why not her be on the pill and he wear a condom? You can never be too safe.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Florida
23,159 posts, read 26,116,327 times
Reputation: 27898
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
I'm just thinking out loud, but isn't it a little early to suggest someone to be on the pill, so you don't have to wear a condom? Why not her be on the pill and he wear a condom? You can never be too safe.

He did also suggest testing to take care of the STD part of it
The pill/no condom part depends on how sure one needs to be about pregnancy....the odds.
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