Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Definitely get the counseling! I was in a relationship for 5.5 years. We had some decent times, but overall we just weren't compatible and he was a very selfish partner. About a year after we got married he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I had really strong suspicions he was cheating on me with a coworker. He denied it up and down, but my gut knew. We got a divorce and he's now married to her! Being cheated on like that crushed my self esteem and my ability to trust a romantic partner. When I met my now boyfriend I knew he was a keeper and I didn't want to screw it up. I was nervous ALL the time waiting for him to dump me or for me to find out he was lying about something. I was so insecure!
I found a good therapist and he helped me a LOT. Through my therapist I learned to be a better communicator with my boyfriend. It's never fair to punish a current partner for a past partner's mistakes, but being open with my boyfriend about what had happened to me and how sometimes I just needed to have occasional moments where I needed a little extra reassurance helped both of us. I think therapy will help you pin point if there is something about her that you can't trust, or if it's your insecurity talking.
Ive joined this forum in search of some advise. This is my first post and I would like to give as much detail as possible to help any advise givers enough info to steer me in the right direction. Thank you in advace to anyone who can help, and sorry if this post is lengthy.
Im a 31 year old male with a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together a year or so now.
Im very self aware that i have become insecure as hell in the past couple months of our relationship.
The relationship started out strong and on a very positive note. Neither of us had been in a relationship for a year or two previous to ours. Both of our prievious partners had cheated. But i seem to struggle with that much more than she does. I was in my previous relationship for around 6 years before finding the courage to leave. It was an emotionally abusive relationship and i believe one of, if not the main root cause for my current insecurities.
In my current relationship, around 6 months into our relationship i noticed on a number of occasions she had private conversations going with 3- 4 guys on various socail media sites. This realization wasn't from 'snooping' as more so just being observant when she would check messages laying in bed beside me ect. I had no reason what so ever to be concerned until that point. I never made it an issue, but did kind of wonder if there was anything to it. I eventually got over it.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, and i started noticing some inconsistancies as some of the things she would say she was doing, vs what she was actually doing, with time frames not quite lining up with what she would tell me when we would talk about our days. I never made a big deal out of it or mentioned it because she can be a bit dingy at times and i dont want to seem controling ever in the least bit. Some things just didnt quite add up. Enough so for me to notice.
I do know she flat out lied to me on one occasion when i asked her how her day off was, and what she'd been up to (friendly conversation). I had a friend see her somewhere and mentioned it to me (at Target). This bothered me and i asked her in a friendly mannor about it, but she stuck by her story and i havent brought it up sense then. It was not a big deal at all other than she seemed to have lied for no apperent reason. We did get into a small disagreement over that. I dropped it.
Sense then ive been insecure as hell and she see's it. I keep falling back into how i felt when i found out my ex was cheating and how betrayed i felt. I can't shake the feeling. It took me a good 2 years to get over that. Or at least i thought i was until now.
I will be clear that i do not feel she is cheating. Quite positive of it.
This girl has been the first that i have actually ever wanted to marry. Other than the above mentioned points, we have an amazing, loving relationship. I knew from the first couple months that we'd get married one day. I love her very much. Our families have bonded and every aspect seems good. Other than these recent insecurities , all has been well.
I have a 'gut' feeling she's hiding something and i cant put my finger on what it is, if anything. She can be shady at times. But i feel most of me thinking that is again me being insecure. Im very aware of my insecurity and i want badly to fix that part of myself, and ive talked to her about it a couple of times and she's assured me all is good, no need to worry. From everything I've read and learned, the majority of the problem lyes within myself. I feel i may even need counciling to get past it, im not sure. Sometimes i find it difficult to flip a switch and become a secure alfa male, at least at this point. Im constantly trying to inprove myself.
With all of that being said im hoping for some guidance and advice. I feel ive really driven a wedge betwen us the past month or two, pestering her with silly questions on a 2- 3 occasions, and not being so "easy going" and "care free" as i normally am. I can defiantly tell shes becoming more cold and distant. But today i decided id reach out for some help, i want to resolve this issue so we can both be happy and she doesnt up and leave, if its not too late already.
Thank you everyone.
Man, I actually feel bad for you
You are inbetween a rock, and a hard-place.
You won't take what I say, even if I say it. That is because you are invested heavily.
You talk of "becoming a secure alpha male". Do you even know what that is? I'll tell you, if you want.
It has absolutely nothing to do with worrying about who a woman is talking to. That is "mate guarding". It is thoroughly "beta-male". It comes from insecurity.
I think that you are going to destroy yourself here. And that comes from going against your nature.
You are in for a world of unnecessary hurt. But sometimes it takes that to improve.
Like I said, you have a tough road ahead of you. And a lot of us have been there
Definitely get the counseling! I was in a relationship for 5.5 years. We had some decent times, but overall we just weren't compatible and he was a very selfish partner. About a year after we got married he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I had really strong suspicions he was cheating on me with a coworker. He denied it up and down, but my gut knew. We got a divorce and he's now married to her! Being cheated on like that crushed my self esteem and my ability to trust a romantic partner. When I met my now boyfriend I knew he was a keeper and I didn't want to screw it up. I was nervous ALL the time waiting for him to dump me or for me to find out he was lying about something. I was so insecure!
I found a good therapist and he helped me a LOT. Through my therapist I learned to be a better communicator with my boyfriend. It's never fair to punish a current partner for a past partner's mistakes, but being open with my boyfriend about what had happened to me and how sometimes I just needed to have occasional moments where I needed a little extra reassurance helped both of us. I think therapy will help you pin point if there is something about her that you can't trust, or if it's your insecurity talking.
Therapy is a complete and utter nonsense. These people have no idea about real life.
Case in point: my cousin. He is a bodybuilder. He was terrrible with women until he started the bodybuilding thing. Then, he got lots of attention. But it didn't change his pathetic mindset. He was still the poor little boy that never got laid.
He went out with a girl that bossed him. They had one kid that she decided to abort. His opinion wasn't important on that. They had another kid that she decided to keep. Then it was time to get married. Once again, he just went along for the ride.
The disrespect got worse and worse. This was a quite strong woman, and she was unimpressed with his lack of experience.
Eventually she dumped him.
She kept on nagging at him to go to "relationship counseling". The same sort of thing that I've read on here a bunch of times in the same night that I've joined. This is all while she, and her entire family, were bashing him for how poor of a man and father he was.
I told him straight, don't do counselling. And I told him why.
He went and did it. It did nothing. That is because counselling is merely a placation for women.
What did I tell him? Go out and hit on other women. And you know what? He eventually did that. Despite him being a complete idiot, he has the body to get attention. And as soon as he did that, she started hitting up his phone to get back together.... lmao.
He didn't need "counselling". He needed some game. Same as most guys.
Therapy is a complete and utter nonsense. These people have no idea about real life.
Case in point: my cousin. He is a bodybuilder. He was terrrible with women until he started the bodybuilding thing. Then, he got lots of attention. But it didn't change his pathetic mindset. He was still the poor little boy that never got laid.
He went out with a girl that bossed him. They had one kid that she decided to abort. His opinion wasn't important on that. They had another kid that she decided to keep. Then it was time to get married. Once again, he just went along for the ride.
The disrespect got worse and worse. This was a quite strong woman, and she was unimpressed with his lack of experience.
Eventually she dumped him.
She kept on nagging at him to go to "relationship counseling". The same sort of thing that I've read on here a bunch of times in the same night that I've joined. This is all while she, and her entire family, were bashing him for how poor of a man and father he was.
I told him straight, don't do counselling. And I told him why.
He went and did it. It did nothing. That is because counselling is merely a placation for women.
What did I tell him? Go out and hit on other women. And you know what? He eventually did that. Despite him being a complete idiot, he has the body to get attention. And as soon as he did that, she started hitting up his phone to get back together.... lmao.
He didn't need "counselling". He needed some game. Same as most guys.
First of all, thanks for being so rude and calling my post utter nonsense. Therapy isn't nonsense for a lot of people. I didn't ask my boyfriend to go to counseling, he didn't even know I was, so I'm not sure what the situation you described has to do with anything that I posted.
The OP doesn't need to work on his game. He has a girlfriend. He's feeling insecure because he got hurt from a bad past relationship and that's causing him to doubt himself and his relationship. I guess he should play some games with her and text other women and that'll fix things?
OP, therapy isn't utter nonsense. If you find a good therapist they can help you work through your feelings and understand why you feel the way you do and how to redirect those bad thoughts. They can help you build up your confidence again after a bad relationship and be a better communicator.
Ive joined this forum in search of some advise. This is my first post and I would like to give as much detail as possible to help any advise givers enough info to steer me in the right direction. Thank you in advace to anyone who can help, and sorry if this post is lengthy.
Im a 31 year old male with a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together a year or so now.
Im very self aware that i have become insecure as hell in the past couple months of our relationship.
The relationship started out strong and on a very positive note. Neither of us had been in a relationship for a year or two previous to ours. Both of our prievious partners had cheated. But i seem to struggle with that much more than she does. I was in my previous relationship for around 6 years before finding the courage to leave. It was an emotionally abusive relationship and i believe one of, if not the main root cause for my current insecurities...
About your insecurities let go! The worst thing that could happen is she is cheating on you. You break up and move on. Life continues and you seek a new partner armed with additional information to look for a better match.
You should seek counseling of you can't let it go. Also have you brought up cheating allegations many times previously? If so that could eventually lead to causation of such and event.
First, you are still too raw from your past relationship to feel secure in this one. You were/are afraid of ending up with another cheating GF and, of course, fear has drawn one to you like a magnet.
Second, what more do you need to know? She is texting other men while she is in bed with you and lying to you about her whereabouts. That disrespect and dishonesty, alone, is justification enough to drop her.
Stop fooling yourself. She is cheating – emotionally for sure, physically most likely. From this point onward, anything unpleasant that occurs between you is Your Fault, since you are not doing anything to change your circumstances.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jpx16
Ive joined this forum in search of some advise. This is my first post and I would like to give as much detail as possible to help any advise givers enough info to steer me in the right direction. Thank you in advace to anyone who can help, and sorry if this post is lengthy.
Im a 31 year old male with a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together a year or so now.
Im very self aware that i have become insecure as hell in the past couple months of our relationship.
The relationship started out strong and on a very positive note. Neither of us had been in a relationship for a year or two previous to ours. Both of our prievious partners had cheated. But i seem to struggle with that much more than she does. I was in my previous relationship for around 6 years before finding the courage to leave. It was an emotionally abusive relationship and i believe one of, if not the main root cause for my current insecurities.
In my current relationship, around 6 months into our relationship i noticed on a number of occasions she had private conversations going with 3- 4 guys on various socail media sites. This realization wasn't from 'snooping' as more so just being observant when she would check messages laying in bed beside me ect. I had no reason what so ever to be concerned until that point. I never made it an issue, but did kind of wonder if there was anything to it. I eventually got over it.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, and i started noticing some inconsistancies as some of the things she would say she was doing, vs what she was actually doing, with time frames not quite lining up with what she would tell me when we would talk about our days. I never made a big deal out of it or mentioned it because she can be a bit dingy at times and i dont want to seem controling ever in the least bit. Some things just didnt quite add up. Enough so for me to notice.
I do know she flat out lied to me on one occasion when i asked her how her day off was, and what she'd been up to (friendly conversation). I had a friend see her somewhere and mentioned it to me (at Target). This bothered me and i asked her in a friendly mannor about it, but she stuck by her story and i havent brought it up sense then. It was not a big deal at all other than she seemed to have lied for no apperent reason. We did get into a small disagreement over that. I dropped it.
Sense then ive been insecure as hell and she see's it. I keep falling back into how i felt when i found out my ex was cheating and how betrayed i felt. I can't shake the feeling. It took me a good 2 years to get over that. Or at least i thought i was until now.
I will be clear that i do not feel she is cheating. Quite positive of it.
This girl has been the first that i have actually ever wanted to marry. Other than the above mentioned points, we have an amazing, loving relationship. I knew from the first couple months that we'd get married one day. I love her very much. Our families have bonded and every aspect seems good. Other than these recent insecurities , all has been well.
I have a 'gut' feeling she's hiding something and i cant put my finger on what it is, if anything. She can be shady at times. But i feel most of me thinking that is again me being insecure. Im very aware of my insecurity and i want badly to fix that part of myself, and ive talked to her about it a couple of times and she's assured me all is good, no need to worry. From everything I've read and learned, the majority of the problem lyes within myself. I feel i may even need counciling to get past it, im not sure. Sometimes i find it difficult to flip a switch and become a secure alfa male, at least at this point. Im constantly trying to inprove myself.
With all of that being said im hoping for some guidance and advice. I feel ive really driven a wedge betwen us the past month or two, pestering her with silly questions on a 2- 3 occasions, and not being so "easy going" and "care free" as i normally am. I can defiantly tell shes becoming more cold and distant. But today i decided id reach out for some help, i want to resolve this issue so we can both be happy and she doesnt up and leave, if its not too late already.
Thank you everyone.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
