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I have a lot of married family members who sleep in twin beds (in the same room) with their spouses. However, when I was growing up my parents had seperate rooms so I don't see a problem with that. However, the only thing about your post that stuck with me is when you mentioned that he is the "sole breadwinner". Listen, I don't have any kids but I am not naive enough to think that raising kids is an easy thing to do. What you do provides just as much value as his check. Do ever sell yourself short. The role of a stay at home mom is just as important as your husbands. Remember that.
I have a Temper Pedic bed and 10 people could be bouncing on the other side and it wouldn't disturb me.
If he snores, then wear ear plugs.
If he pulls the covers, you can each have your own covers. There are ways to get around this without giving up the intimacy of sleeping together.
Agreed. DH is constantly stealing my covers! I'd wake up in the morning and I'd have a teeny corner and all the rest would be on the floor on his side! We both snore.....he complains more then I do, so I guess I'll be going to get him some earplugs lol....anyhoo...we now have 1 blanket for him, 1 blanket for me...and one on the top that we share......and after he saw the bruises he's decided to stop stealing my covers
There's a LOT to be said for a California King bed.
But, more than that, it's the psychological issue that's going on. Generally speaking, I personally believe that *more* is said by going to sleep elsewhere than the mutual bed, than any words that could ever be spoken. Granted, there are times when one person is sick (like my bf this past weekend...he kept coughing, ON ME. I got up in the middle of the night and went to the couch. No biggie), *but* IMO, if you're thinking about this as some sort of "power play", it's NOT the right way to go.
What do you mean by "he's the bread winner", so you're feeling guilty about complaining about this sort of stuff? Yes, he probably just didn't want to get sick. But, again, the respectful thing to do would be for HIM to go elsewhere, if you were already in the bed. My opinion, of course....but MAN, that would steam me something good. How much does "him being the bread winner" come into play in other things? Maybe this is something to look into.
No, separate bedrooms aren't in themselves, a bad thing. But, think about *why* you'd be doing it. Please, think long and hard about it.
The only reason I mentioned his being the breadwinner (there are 5 kids in our family... believe me, I KNOW how hard my job is... LOL!) is because his job entails odd hours, a lot on of-call work, time away from home, and a ton of stress. He's not in the best of health anyway for no older than he is, so I do my best to keep things easy for him when he is here. I want to take care of him the best I can, and I know his rest is vitally important.
I also know, though, that because of all the reasons mentioned above, it's vitally important to me to be close to him when I can. I just kind of had an epiphany last week, though, that after years of pseudo-complaining and kidding around, maybe it really would be in his best interest to be able to sleep alone, comfortably.
We both snore, but he steals covers (we have his and hers covers), he has his fan (I'm always cold, but that's what extra blankies are for), he always controls the bedroom tv (fine, there are all kinds of other tvs in the house), he hogs the bed (again fine, I don't require a lot of space). He also insists on sleeping against the wall. Doesn't bother me, I'm on the outside! Like I said in our original post, though, neither of us are tiny, and he really does have a terrible time climbing out of bed a couple times a night (every night). He's a very light sleeper, but our room is really well-insulated from the rest of the house. Very quiet.
In the past, I've gone as far as taking all the kids out of the house for hours on end, doing nothing, unplugging the phones, etc., just to make sure he could get a little uninterrupted sleep. Point being I wasn't trying to make myself look like a victim, or create a power play of any type. I just wondered if I'm being selfish for refusing to leave the bed, or if it would be selling myself short not to stay.
I understand your dilemma, Danielle. Like a catch 22.
IMO, get your own room temporarily ..would that work? then after a few days or weeks you regroup and discuss and decide to stick with it or not. Then you can say we tried that and it didn't work or it's great this way. Who knows maybe a complete change has to happen, all that time you spend being quiet so he can sleep seems not fair to you even though you say it's OK. To me, you're sacrificing too much. but that's just me and my opinion again LOL.... He's the breadwinner, he financially does his share and that's important by all means.
You're tiptoe-ing around so he can be comfy. Not that he doesn't deserve sleep and rest but he's got 5 kids too, it's not just you that has kids...Don't minimize your needs and feelings.
I also know, though, that because of all the reasons mentioned above, it's vitally important to me to be close to him when I can. I just kind of had an epiphany last week, though, that after years of pseudo-complaining and kidding around, maybe it really would be in his best interest to be able to sleep alone, comfortably.
We both snore, but he steals covers (we have his and hers covers), he has his fan (I'm always cold, but that's what extra blankies are for), he always controls the bedroom tv (fine, there are all kinds of other tvs in the house), he hogs the bed (again fine, I don't require a lot of space). He also insists on sleeping against the wall. Doesn't bother me, I'm on the outside! Like I said in our original post, though, neither of us are tiny, and he really does have a terrible time climbing out of bed a couple times a night (every night). He's a very light sleeper, but our room is really well-insulated from the rest of the house. Very quiet.
In the past, I've gone as far as taking all the kids out of the house for hours on end, doing nothing, unplugging the phones, etc., just to make sure he could get a little uninterrupted sleep. Point being I wasn't trying to make myself look like a victim, or create a power play of any type. I just wondered if I'm being selfish for refusing to leave the bed, or if it would be selling myself short not to stay.
~Danielle
I don't know about his best interest, but it certainly sounds like it would be in yours! I'm guilty of this sort of thing in the past with a selfish ex - if I was ill he'd moan about my blowing my nose and sneezing so I'd end up sleeping on the sofa - and we both worked full time. I thought I was just being nice, but I can't believe now that he let me do it, or that I was such a doormat. My boyfriend now would never expect me to/ let me do that.
And he shouldn't insist on sleeping against the wall if that means he struggles to get out of bed twice a night, it's nuts.
I reckon it sounds like you'd be miles better off with your own room (as long as it has a comfortable bed), as you're having to put up with a lot - you're cold, you've got no space, you're being climbed over, you have to watch the TV he puts on - it's too much. Then you can refuse to let him touch anything in your room. He might be the sole 'breadwinner' but there's more to life than 'bread' - you have your own job to do and you deserve a good night's sleep just as much as he does.
My husband and I have only been married for 3 years and I cannot sleep in the same bed with him. He's 6'5 at 250lbs and snores like a train. I am a very light sleeper and have been diagnosed with a few minor sleeping disorders related to this.. We have tried everything to control the snoring but our only other option is surgery-- he is also the HEAVIEST sleeper, so when he does rattle the walls, I can't even get him to roll over. He has slept in the guest bedroom for about 2 years and we both see the pros and cons. While we enjoy our own beds and space-- we miss the snuggle time and have to accommodate time for intimate moments. It's not really a choice, if I don't get solid nights sleep, I get migraines and my immune system shuts down..
I know a couple with 3 kids who sleep in separate rooms. He's a very light sleeper and she snores very loud. They still have great marriage and do 'quality time' quite regularly, if you know what I mean.
My husband and I often sleep in separate rooms too when one bothers the other's sleep. When one of us is sick, the sick one will definitely sleep in a guest bedroom so the healthy one doesn't get sick too. I don't find this unusual or feel hurt about it, to me it shows that we really care about each other's well being.
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I just kind of had an epiphany last week, though, that after years of pseudo-complaining and kidding around, maybe it really would be in his best interest to be able to sleep alone, comfortably.
