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I'm in the exact same situation, OP. I am single and dating. My date and I went for a 2-hour walk this past Saturday because the weather was beautiful. We each had our dogs with us. One of my dogs has problems with walking long distances, so I ended up mostly carrying her (15 pounds). By the end of the two hours, I was exhausted and in a lot of pain (My date had no idea - I have told him that I have problems with Fibromyalgia, but I push through it and it's very rare for anyone to know that I am in pain). After the walk, I went home and took Tylenol (I can't take any type of prescription pain meds - they cause me severe stomach issues). By 8 o'clock, I was in bed. The next day, I felt horrible all day. It really sucks to know that any exertion is going to lead to this pain. I am honestly considering stopping dating and accept that I am just going to forever be single.
I'm in the exact same situation, OP. I am single and dating. My date and I went for a 2-hour walk this past Saturday because the weather was beautiful. We each had our dogs with us. One of my dogs has problems with walking long distances, so I ended up mostly carrying her (15 pounds). By the end of the two hours, I was exhausted and in a lot of pain (My date had no idea - I have told him that I have problems with Fibromyalgia, but I push through it and it's very rare for anyone to know that I am in pain). After the walk, I went home and took Tylenol (I can't take any type of prescription pain meds - they cause me severe stomach issues). By 8 o'clock, I was in bed. The next day, I felt horrible all day. It really sucks to know that any exertion is going to lead to this pain. I am honestly considering stopping dating and accept that I am just going to forever be single.
Good planning is absolutely necessary. I'd have discussed the length of time or the route ahead of time, especially given your dog - you could have even "blamed" it on your dog! Two hours carrying a dog would be a lot for most people...I'd have done what I could and then maybe asked my date to help carry or go back and get the car, or whatever. Always have an alternate plan...
I would be okay with your condition as long as you aren't a complainer who is always in a bad mood or if there is no sex. The whole fatigue and heating blanket thing would not be a reason for me to bail.
I would be okay with your condition as long as you aren't a complainer who is always in a bad mood or if there is no sex. The whole fatigue and heating blanket thing would not be a reason for me to bail.
I'm not a complainer, but to be 100% honest, sex is never my top priority in relationships due to my condition and I can go without it on a regular basis.
Maybe I should find a romantic, asexual man who can understand me, but men like that are pretty rare.
I have no idea what its like to have a disability much less fibromyalgia. My heart goes out to the OP.
But as with any "Would you date..." questions that pop up, it always boils down to the lifestyle they lead and where they are headed in life. Do I love them enough to join them in their path through life? Most importantly, are they self-sufficient. I would want a partner not a dependent.
With that said, I've come across a few people whose disabilities that never stopped them. In college I shared a drinks with a fellow was heavily involved in wheelchair racing. He could do all these tricks at the skate park in his wheel chair. I once saw him literally "fly" off the top of stairs and land like it was nothing. He drove. Went to class. Partied. Traveled. Just like a typical college student. Totally overcoming his disability and probably draws strength from it.
I wouldn't hesitate to date a woman with that same outlook in life.
I've also crossed paths with perfectly healthy and able people that can't get their act together. They cannot hold a job. They don't seem to have a path in life. The littlest of things seem to derail them.
I absolutely wouldn't date a person like that.
So I guess my sentiments are along the lines with Mikala43
There's the mention that the person might cancel plans and such because of their condition. I personally wouldn't find that too troublesome considering that they too would have an understanding that it would be ok for me to do go ahead and do things without them. Its not quite the same but my previous GF worked sometimes 6 days a week (two jobs) and had two children. Combining the two often led to cancelled plans. She would often give me a kiss, hug, and then push me out the door encouraging me to enjoy the day on my own (then I would return and see if we can have dinner together or something). Its adjustments like that that really matter... at least for me.
I beg to differ with the responses that are trying to be so positive. The problem with chronic illness that involves fatigue is that, as the OP said, plans may have to be canceled. Life can be unpredictable. Someone like LondonCowboy may bounce in for a chat and suggest going out to enjoy the sunny day, or whatever, and the object of his interest simply may not be able to muster the energy for it that day, or that moment.
Over time, with enough repeated episodes of this, and of cancelled plans, it can wear on a relationship. A relationship may not even get a chance to get off the ground, due to the unpredictability of outings, and the unpredictability of the ill person's energy level and state of mind. It can wear down someone's positivity, even someone who's a bouncy Tigger, like LC.
So, that is what the OP is asking respondents to consider, I think.
OP, was that the issue in your prior relationships?
This is so true - I dread making plans with anyone because I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day and I hate canceling. Sometimes I just go anyway despite it being one of the bad days and then I feel even worse afterwards.
Thoughts on dating someone with the same or similar condition? At least that person would know exactly what you're going through. Might even make for a good support resource.
That would make for an interesting question for the OP, would OP mind dating someone like this where on her good days, he was having a bad day and had to cancel plans?
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Originally Posted by Aura 524
I agree completely with Ruth4Truth. Fibromyalgia is a chronic disorder and I would advise the OP to be upfront in any new relationship. As to when it should be mentioned is hard to pinpoint, but early on would be better. The concern about all illnesses is that they do not show marked improvement with the normal aging process, and everyone has a right to be informed and then they can reply by telling the affected person that it is not a problem at all, or is one that is best for the two people not to get involved.
I agree ^^^. OP is asking for the truth and sugar coating doesn't help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I don't think it's a lead in conversation starter for the first few dates. I would think after a few dates mentioning it would be good. First couple of dates should be more lighter if possible. This subject sounds like a downer.
I would slowly, from the first date, bring my limitations to the surface. I would be exploring what the guy likes to do in his free time and letting him know that wasn't something I would like to be doing. No need to really bring the condition into play, but just seeing if what he likes to do were a match or not.
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Originally Posted by Mikala43
Some of these comments are why I wouldn't tell until later. It would be demonstrated that I am completely active, spend much time exercising and doing outdoor activities.
I rarely cancel activities.
For the OP, if you find that you are limited, I would let a guy know up front. Especially if it causes you to cancel activities (guys may think you are a flake).
You may want to pick guys who are more home bodies and lean towards less participatory activities.
I don't think it is so much the "condition" but limitations that would be in play. Obviously if someone likes jogging and rock climbing, find out early on. No reason not to discuss what someone likes to do on the first couple dates. Asking someone to give up things they are passionate about, IMO, isn't fair and hiding the truth until they get hooked, nearly criminal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by artishard
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your thoughts!
I'm not a complainer, but to be 100% honest, sex is never my top priority in relationships due to my condition and I can go without it on a regular basis.
Maybe I should find a romantic, asexual man who can understand me, but men like that are pretty rare.
I would guess this is your greater problem over canceling events. I would make sure early on that I explained I was looking for something more "platonic" than not.
This is so true - I dread making plans with anyone because I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day and I hate canceling. Sometimes I just go anyway despite it being one of the bad days and then I feel even worse afterwards.
Yes, this is often the case with some chronic illnesses. The OP has clarified, however, that she doesn't cancel plans; she's able to keep up, at least. But spontaneous spur-the-moment invitations may not get her agreement, depending on how she's feeling. Still, I would imagine it could be frustrating to oneself and potential partners if one isn't able to be chipper a good bit of the time. Though the OP sounds like she tries. And some people are better able to roll with that, than others.
I beg to differ with the responses that are trying to be so positive. The problem with chronic illness that involves fatigue is that, as the OP said, plans may have to be canceled. Life can be unpredictable. Someone like LondonCowboy may bounce in for a chat and suggest going out to enjoy the sunny day, or whatever, and the object of his interest simply may not be able to muster the energy for it that day, or that moment.
Over time, with enough repeated episodes of this, and of cancelled plans, it can wear on a relationship. A relationship may not even get a chance to get off the ground, due to the unpredictability of outings, and the unpredictability of the ill person's energy level and state of mind. It can wear down someone's positivity, even someone who's a bouncy Tigger, like LC.
I'm surprised I didn't lock-in on this post earlier. I'll blame it on age.
My wife had to retire early in 2002 for health reasons. That was 15 years ago; 15 years filled with surgeries (mid-December being the most recent), pain, mental and emotional anguish, loss of balance and mobility, et al. I retired in 2008, earlier than planned, because she needed me far more than my employer did. I have pretty much been her 24/7 caregiver ever since. Chief cook and bottle washer, all pet care, shopper, chauffer, etc. were not my plans for retirement by any means. Many plans made have had to be cancelled, some at the last moment, and life has, at times, been somewhat tumultuous.
You're right, it can wear on one but I do work hard at staying positive. I do so because it's not her fault, even when it makes her less than pleasant to be around. She didn't ask for or engineer it. Also, and most important, I love her, want only the best for her and am always mindful of the words, "...for better or for worse. In sickness and in health..." Those words resonate with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
And some people are better able to roll with that, than others.
You're right. Admittedly, it ain't always easy!
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