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I met my bf through my friend and we instantly clicked. We were official by date three, with the mentions of marriage and kids by date five. I was kind of weirded out but I really liked him. He's smart, geeky, kind, hard working - all I ever wanted in a guy. He had warned me he'd be super busy in the next few months and I said ok.
But I soon realised that I would see him once a week on average (mind you, we lived like twenty mins away) for about an hour and a half (normally a walk he insisted on no matter the weather conditions). Every time I would try to make him come over (as he said he didn't really like sitting at coffee places), something would come up. Once he almost canceled, once he didn't even cancel, just didn't reply, and then he canceled again and again. The only time I knew we would actually meet was if it was a walk or his office party (so meeting on his terms). It could have been a coincidence, but who knows...
Spending time with him became stressful, he was perpetually stressed out, feeling sick and overworked and would tell me he is fighting for us and our future. Mind you, I had met him a month and a half ago. So once he finally told me - he has depression. Here's the thing. He told me this a month into our relationship. If I am to assume this was the reason he would cancel on me, this means that he a.) lied to me and b.) attacked me for no reason, as when I would complain about things like that, he would tell me I was the insecure and the dramatic one and I should seek professional help. If you knew there was an objective reason for acting in a strange way, why would you shift your blame onto me, telling me I was unreasonable? I myself suffer from anxiety and being told I am dramatic is not what I need to hear.
I was very confused by his diagnoses, as he is a highly functional person who works like ten hours a day, is constantly surrounded by people, at meetings and presentations. Ok, if he is a workaholic who likes to escape his conditions by getting overworked - ok, then don't have a girlfriend, especially if you're going to accuse her that her wanting you not to cancel on her last minute when you say you will come over - which will make her feel like crap over and over again, is unreasonable. He would be like - we are not attached at a hip. I was like, wtf? I barely see you, you never call, yes you send me texts but they are normally one-sided, and whenever I want to have a conversation, you cut the convo short. I wanted to understand his condition but he would just tell me I was insecure and dramatic and too demanding.
I started getting more anxious and tense about him cancelling or not following through with plans. The couple of times he did come over, he seemed so happy and calm. He would put his head on my chest and I would just cuddle with him and try to make him feel better. Yes, I naively thought I could help him when he feels depressed and if he knew he could turn to me when he feels low, he would feel better. Instead he would shut down and I would be left to wonder until he would be ok to hang out again.
Then a day came when he again cut our text message short and I got upset. I texted him the following day he should have answered and he wrote an essay on how he was going through one of his episodes (this was that day, so the day before he was fine, so why not reply). I was desperately trying to hold onto something in our relationship but I couldn't find anything. He told me I was the only one making him feel f***ing guilty and if his world didn't revolve around me, sh** would happen. Again, I couldn't understand this. How did his world revolve around me? He made me sound like I was some crazy obsessive gf who needed to know his whereabouts at all times and be with him always when in reality the only time I complained was when he would cancel on me last minute. i never checked on him, I was okay seeing him once a week. I just couldn't understand what more he wanted from me?
So after he said those things to me and then proceeded to cancel one of our bigger plans last minute again, I lost it. I called him a coward, a liar and told him I wanted him to feel like sh** (via a text as this was how we communicated). I instantly felt bad, but he called me a verbal abuser and told me he didn't want to get back together with me. I apologised over and over again but he just wouldn't accept it. I have been feeling so guilty for saying these things to someone with depression, but I was out of my mind with my anxiety and he just kept making me feel so guilty. Can someone please tell me how not to do this again? I feel so ashamed right now. Thank you.
You need this in your life??
For a maybe hour and a half /once a week relationship?
I hesitate to even call it a relationship.
That hour and a half wasn't used to have sex, by the way, was it?
You both got way too attached way too quickly. Don't just look at him, look at your own shortcomings. Once a week dates only going out walking and you were talking marriage at 5 weeks? You were just as delusional as him - keep that in mind for your next "relationship".
You need this in your life??
For a maybe hour and a half /once a week relationship?
I hesitate to even call it a relationship.
That hour and a half wasn't used to have sex, by the way, was it?
No it wasn't. I wanted to sleep with him but he would seem to avoid any kind of opportunity where we would be intimate and together.
How can you call this a relationship? A few dates in and he is accusing you of abuse? Just no.
Is he your only romantic option? If so you are better off alone.
I actually really liked him. A lot. Clearly i can meet other men I just really liked him and feel so bad for calling a guy with depression an idiot and a coward.
You both got way too attached way too quickly. Don't just look at him, look at your own shortcomings. Once a week dates only going out walking and you were talking marriage at 5 weeks? You were just as delusional as him - keep that in mind for your next "relationship".
Yup pretty much. Dont think i dont know this. I thought it was very weird but let him take it to this level without allowing myself some timw to contemplate on it.
Too much drama too early in a relationship is not going to make it a lasting and happy union. Cut your loss and move on. Don't feel guilty about it. You two are just simply not a good match for each other.
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