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Is there any chance that some of your emotion is concern about your image and how she views you now, after the fact? That you don't want to be viewed as the bad guy and are lamenting the fact that you have no control over that anymore?
It's not like you "had an affair." It really sounds like you never really broke up with the other woman and were with two women simultaneously, without their knowledge. You never ended things with the ex, for some reason.
It seems to me that this is more about emotional boundaries and self-awareness than infidelity.
Oh she has told me what she thinks of me. She said I'm a disgusting pig.
Which is ironic to me, as these are some of the stories she told me about her past:
1. When she was 18 she went on a trip to cuba and really liked a guy. He suggested a threesome, and she got so angry that she had a threesome with two of his friends instead, while she was on her period. This is the kind of revenge sex she takes part in.
2. Another time, she told me how she would have sex with one guy in the morning and another guy later that same day. Apparently when she does it it's ok, but when it's done to her I'm a disgusting pig.
3. She is only 22, but has admitted to 23 sex partners.
4. For the past 4 years, she did not want a relationship. She just went around having sex. She says it was because she was so hurt after a two year relationship that ended when she was 18.
5. She had contracted chlamydia a few months before we dated, and we had already had unprotected sex three times before she told me. She said she had been treated. And after we had sex, she then said I would have to wait three months to have sex again until she was sure I did not have chlamydia as well. I was shocked. I was willing to wait, as I didn't think she'd make me wait three months. When I got tested for std's to show her (and myself really) that I was clean, she shouted at me "who told you to get a test now??"
Btw even though I probably would have waited (as I was having sex with my ex periodically anyways), she never made me wait the three months it was only a couple of weeks.
I took note of her past, knowing that people don't really change that much. But I also thought hey, I was young and stupid once. And I wouldn't want people to judge me on my past. But I'll be honest, as her past came out I couldn't help but think maybe she has some kind of mental health issues or personality disorder.
As for my ex, that is a whole other story in itself. We had been together for two years, but in June of 2016 she broke up with me. We kind of got back together in September 2016 to a limited degree. But I also told her the same thing: that there is no point in me being loyal to her if she is just going to dump me whenever she feels like to have sex with other men. That it's not fair to me.
I started seeing my current gf (now my ex) in late October 2016. I was with her most of the time, although I was periodically seeing my ex too during the entire time we were dating.
Knowing all that, it really sounds like you need to take some time to examine what kind of person YOU are and what you want in a partner.
There's a reason people judge us on our pasts, but the ability to establish and maintain solid emotional boundaries helps us move away from past unhealthy behaviors.
We can't really know if she "knew" or if she is a jealous, controlling super freak. But she is not here. And she is not posting. He is. OP the proper response to disagreeing with her controlling behavior was not to go underground and hide. If you feel that objection to porn is "stupid" SAY SO. Determine in the full light of day if this is a deal breaker. You have an opportunity to learn here beyond what she may or may not have thought/known/felt. Lying and going underground is NEVER conducive to a good relationship. ALL relationships must be worth loosing to risk having them be awesome. Good luck.
I was only speculating about the ex in my post, "...it seems" ..."maybe"... as I understand we have just one side of this situation. The bolded in your post is pretty much the point I was trying to make. People who love each other—even people who are just simply ****ing—they ought to be able to talk about stuff.
Yeah, be upfront, listen, don't blame or get defensive... the point of discussion is not for someone to win; it's for both parties to be enlightened, and maybe learn something and become closer. Sounds like you can maybe do this, but not so much your ex. It's too bad, because... well, personally, I can disagree with my lover and still love them. We're not always going to have the opinion about things.
My advice is don't lie and when your next girlfriend starts doing things that drive you nuts, talk to her. Don't go out and cheat.
I got caught because my gf demanded to know my iphone password so she could trust me. She was very bossy and controlling. I resisted, but couldn't take the pressure. One of our fights revolved around her coming to my house and cleaning up and she found some old porn dvd's. She told me to throw it out. I told her no, I won't throw it out, but out of respect for her I will put it in an old box and throw it in some old corner of my basement. I knew she was a little upset, but i didn't think it was such a big deal. She ended up leaving my house angrily that night, and the next day she broke up with me saying I would chose to keep an old porn dvd that I don't even watch anymore and hurt her feelings because of it. I told her it was my house and she can't come into it after only dating me for a month and demand that I throw out my personal possessions, no matter how distasteful she may think they are.
She also demanded to go through my computer, and when she did she found some old racy pics of exes that I had and she demanded I throw out those too. I deleted as many items as I could, but she found one and flipped out on me one time. This is what life was like with her. I loved her, which is why I put up with her behavior. But I gave in to her, I felt stupid being part of an argument over such stupid things But they were important to her, because she felt like why would I start such a big fight over such unimportant issues.
So anyway, one day she went through my iphone and although I had deleted most messages she managed to find one where I called my ex "babe." She called her and that's when everything came out. Despite my cheating, I feel as if though I really do love her. Sometimes couples who love each other hurt each other through arguments, name-calling, cheating, and other bad behavior that happens in the intensity of the moment or due to circumstance.. In my case I think i did it because I feared my gf would leave me and I wanted my ex there as a back up.
I'm not excusing my behavior, I know it was wrong. But I'm not really looking for advice such as "it's over move on you cheated it's done" because we all know that couples get back together all the time after cheating occurs. And it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love each other. And I don't really need to hear things like what I did was wrong, because I already know that and feel really bad about it.
What I"m looking for are examples of anybody getting back their ex after having cheated.. and how they managed to do it.
Dang a fight over porn. No way man, you can do better.
My question would be, if you thought so little of your ex or were so angry with them that you'd cheat in the first place, why would you want them back?
Sorry OP but once you cheat its game over. Men and women are very different but when one cheats its usually the same across the board. As a guy I wouldn't take my ex back if she cheated, most women won't take a guy back at all and I don't blame them. I think the fact that you cheated really says a lot about your relationship. Why go back to a relationship where that is always hanging over your head? Sounds like you guys had huge issues, I'd move on.
Hi guys, I was going to respond to some of the questions asked me but something happened today so maybe I should get to that first..
I was walking by some spots me and her used to hit up and I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally gave in and called her from a payphone. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. It had been more than I week since we last spoke, and about 12 days since this all happened and she broke up with me.
I said hi, and she seemed annoyed right away. She asked me why was I calling her, and where was I calling her from. I told her I was walking past some spots that we used to hit up together, and it made me think of her and how much I missed her. I asked her how she was, she said she was ok. I asked her about an upcoming exam she had to write, and if she needed help like we had previously discussed she could call me any time to discuss it. She said she had postponed the exam, and that she did not need any help from me. She went on to say that she was never going to speak to me again. That she was in the process of recovering.
I told her I had some demons inside me that I needed to get rid of. That I was sorry for hurting her. That I would always care for her and that she could always contact me if she ever needed anything. She said she would never need anything from me. She was clearly still pretty upset, almost crying. She then told me to never contact her again. Then she said goodbye, and hung up on me.
I was a little numb as I walked away from the phone but I realized at that moment it was time to give up and move on. I'm not sure if I was dealing with someone with a personality/mental disorder, or if I was just dealing with a young 22 year old woman who was still extremely angry over being cheated on. It did seem like she was trying to hurt me as much as she could. I don't think anything could have possibly hurt as much as being blocked and given the total silent treatment by someone I truly believe I cared very much for, despite what I did. I'm still confused, and totally shell shocked. I know what I did was wrong, but at the same time I did a lot for her and offered to help her in so many ways. Whatever the case, now I can move on. I know it was not even two weeks since she found this all came out and she broke up with me, not enough time for her to get over the anger and miss me. Maybe I should have waited longer to contact her but there was no point in me waiting two months and then contacting her again, as by that time I would be completely over her anyway.
PS with regard to the porn DVD, I did throw them out after I realized how upset she got over the issue. But personally I think it's crazy to break up with someone just because they didn't want to throw out a porn dvd, no matter how you try to put a spin on it. But that's just me I realize everyone is different.
What "demons" do you have to work out? Or was that an attempt to make her think of you as an irresistible bad boy?
You really are romanticizing this situation. It reads like you have some kind of fatherly influence over her that you still are trying to exert, and the overarching theme appears to be maintaining your perceived role as the hero in her life.
The problem is that this "hero" never really stopped dating his other GF while he was dating her.
Now you know why "no contact" is recommended, but some people have to learn the hard way. I was like that.
What "demons" do you have to work out? Or was that an attempt to make her think of you as an irresistible bad boy?
If it came across that way, it wasn't intended. She had previously said I had issues and would never admit to them. I guess that was my way of telling her I admit to having problems regarding the cheating, that I was sorry, and that I would try to better myself because of how bad I felt over this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
You really are romanticizing this situation. It reads like you have some kind of fatherly influence over her that you still are trying to exert, and the overarching theme appears to be maintaining your perceived role as the hero in her life.
The problem is that this "hero" never really stopped dating his other GF while he was dating her.
Now you know why "no contact" is recommended, but some people have to learn the hard way. I was like that.
Didn't mean to make it seem like I was romanticizing the situation. It took me a lot to come here and admit to what I did, even though I'm posting anonymously. I was very weak today, I have been very weak for a while. I understand what I did was horrible and that I hurt her bad, but surely she must have seen how sorry I was and I'm just surprised she was that mean to me.
I always took on a role of a caring "hero" to her. I was always taking very good care of her. She grew up without a father, so that might explain much of her crazy sexual past and a lot of her current behavior. Maybe I did take on a bit of a father figure and hero, but I just really cared for her and, despite my own mistakes and shortcomings, tried my best to help her in any way I could.
Yes, I learned the hard way about how important NC is. Now is the time to close the door, leave this incredible pain behind me, and start my long journey to recovery.
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Ever Cheated and Got Your Ex Back?
Or was that an attempt to make her think of you as an irresistible bad boy?
