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How am I the one creating drama? We were finally alone, in a great mood and I want to give him his gifts. He doesn't even seem interested in the gifts, but I give them to him anyways. I feel disappointed, but I try to HIDE it because I DO NOT want drama. I didn't even say at first 'You don't have anything for me'. I smiled and felt disappointed, but I just wanted him to have his gifts and that's it. HE was the one who apparently saw disappointment in my face and got angry immediately. I'm not the one who created drama at all.
Ok. I don't know how this is really going down. So he's creating the drama.
His behavior has been messed up to be honest since just about the beginning of this thread.
As a guy, I wouldn't have ever had a visitor with my live-in girlfriend without first making sure they were cool with that. In my world, it just doesn't happen to have people appear and re-appear as visitors telling the spouse that ____ will be here, let alone for an unconfirmed period of time. I would entirely expect the partner to become livid in their invasion of space without them cordially agreeing to it first. I find this whole thing disrespectful as hell toward you with a complete disregard for you. He should be called out on it regardless if he wants to act like a 2nd grade child giving your the silent treatment throwing temper tantrums in attempts to get you not to expose it.
There is a ton of other red flags. Sorry to tell you that.
You two desperately need to sit down and talk about what happened with this visitor making sure you bring up the UNLERLYING THINGS. Not the idea that you "don't want him to have friends over" or whatever.
His anger is his defensive mode because he's feeling guilty that he didn't remember or care enough to get you gifts for Christmas. It's his way of shifting the blame back onto you, by making you feel guilty/bad for bringing it up.
I agree, but how do you explain that to someone who's always mad and apparently doesn't accept ANY form of criticism? He sees everything as me attacking him and just blames me for everything instead. I don't get how me giving him gifts turned into 'You were the one not wanting to give me the gifts in the first place' Umm what?
I agree, but how do you explain that to someone who's always mad and apparently doesn't accept ANY form of criticism? He sees everything as me attacking me and just blames me for everything instead. I don't get how me giving him gifts turned into 'You were the one not wanting to give me the gifts in the first place' Umm what?
You don't have good communication in this relationship. It could be all on his end. From how you post, it pretty much is.
I know a lot of people that go into this same type of behavior when you bring up stuff they just don't want to talk about.
Getting angry, throwing a temper tantrum, and then getting silent has worked for them for years to have people not bring up the obvious calling them out.
I don't waste time avoiding it. It only makes things worse. Conflict will be inevitable, but it's better than attempting to sustain with passive, aggressive (enter childish) behaviors.
I don't know about you, but life is too short to deal with such especially as adults. If two people in any relationship (being intimate, business, etc) can't talk, it is not a good relationship. I will call them out, and if they don't like it, they won't be around me.
Problem solved as I don't have to be around them also. The exception being business relationships which unfortunately one has to deal with this petty behavior and has to play politics.
I agree, but how do you explain that to someone who's always mad and apparently doesn't accept ANY form of criticism? He sees everything as me attacking him and just blames me for everything instead. I don't get how me giving him gifts turned into 'You were the one not wanting to give me the gifts in the first place' Umm what?
You can't unless he's willing to see what's he's doing and wants to change.
How am I the one creating drama? We were finally alone, in a great mood and I want to give him his gifts. He doesn't even seem interested in the gifts, but I give them to him anyways. I feel disappointed, but I try to HIDE it because I DO NOT want drama. I didn't even say at first 'You don't have anything for me'. I smiled and felt disappointed, but I just wanted him to have his gifts and that's it. HE was the one who apparently saw disappointment in my face and got angry immediately. I'm not the one who created drama at all.
Apparently you didn't hide it very well. You may be overreacting, and seem to be in denial about your behavior.
Didn't you say that he planned the trip? Has it occurred to you that he may have something special planned? If so, you are ruining it with this victim mentality. You expected disappointment and that is what you got. That's telling. The fact that you stayed home to pout while they went to the beach is also telling. The fact that you overreacted over this guest instead of just confronting her for a firm departure date is also telling. You were ready to leave your own home for pete's sake. Yeah, that's creating drama.
Seriously, it sounds like he has to walk on eggshells around you too! Sheesh lady, try a little introspection.
Apparently you didn't hide it very well. You may be overreacting, and seem to be in denial about your behavior.
Didn't you say that he planned the trip? Has it occurred to you that he may have something special planned? If so, you are ruining it with this victim mentality. You expected disappointment and that is what you got. That's telling. The fact that you stayed home to pout while they went to the beach is also telling. The fact that you overreacted over this guest instead of just confronting her for a firm departure date is also telling. You were ready to leave your own home for pete's sake. Yeah, that's creating drama.
Seriously, it sounds like he has to walk on eggshells around you too! Sheesh lady, try a little introspection.
And why would I hide it? I shouldn't even be hiding it. If I overreacted I would have started getting pissed and told him 'Where's my gift'. Nope, instead I tried to keep a brave face and smiled and even wanted to hug him. No drama or overreaction from me at all.
I didnt 'stay home and pout' while they went to the beach. Not everything is drama, you know. I stayed home, because I didn't want to be around a girl who ignores me most of the time, didn't see the point, so I rather stayed home and worked.
Actually in the end, he didn't plan the trip. He basically just suggested the place to go and we both did research on hotels and activities. I honestly don't think he has anything special planned there. He's not the type of guy who does that, he has never surprised me with anything special on a trip (isn't as bad as it sounds).
Well, you've rationalized a lot of things away and chose to focus on only the positives without giving any weight to the negatives.
So question: Are you still going on this trip? He's been a complete jerk the whole week and no amount of brownie points is going to make up for it, especially since he's not owning up to it. I wouldn't want to spend any more time with him (so either I'd cancel or go without him).
Well, you've rationalized a lot of things away and chose to focus on only the positives without giving any weight to the negatives.
So question: Are you still going on this trip? He's been a complete jerk the whole week and no amount of brownie points is going to make up for it, especially since he's not owning up to it. I wouldn't want to spend any more time with him (so either I'd cancel or go without him).
Honestly right now, I'd love to cancel. I don't see how this is going to be a great trip when we haven't even resolved our discussions from this week, from TODAY even. But I'm worried that if I tell him i want to cancel I'll screw up everything more than it is already.
Flowerashes, your boyfriend may be a great guy with a few communication problems, I don't know. What I do know is that getting married is not going to change him, so are you willing to live a life with this kind of interaction just because you have a ring on your finger?
Think carefully about this entire situation. I know you love him, and he probably loves you. That is simply not enough. Also, he has pretty much told you how he feels about getting married. I would encourage you not to waste time wondering if he doesn't want to get married ever to anyone or if it's just you. Then, give some thought to how long you want to wait to get married and have children. Didn't you say you are quite young? I would encourage you not to even think about having children until you are in your late 20s because, married or not, we all change so much during that decade. If you want to give your current relationship time to breathe, do it, but if you really are set on getting married, you should talk with him honestly, at a time when you are both relatively calm and happy, and then decide what you want, what is best for you. You won't change him without counseling and an effort on both your parts to learn to communicate better; and you won't suddenly be happier because he reluctantly married you to keep you with him and not because he thinks marrying you is the best thing in the whole world and he wants to shout out to that world that he loves you and wants to marry you.
You have a lot to think about -- I wish you lots of luck and wisdom.
And why would I hide it? I shouldn't even be hiding it. If I overreacted I would have started getting pissed and told him 'Where's my gift'. Nope, instead I tried to keep a brave face and smiled and even wanted to hug him. No drama or overreaction from me at all.
I didnt 'stay home and pout' while they went to the beach. Not everything is drama, you know. I stayed home, because I didn't want to be around a girl who ignores me most of the time, didn't see the point, so I rather stayed home and worked.
Actually in the end, he didn't plan the trip. He basically just suggested the place to go and we both did research on hotels and activities. I honestly don't think he has anything special planned there. He's not the type of guy who does that, he has never surprised me with anything special on a trip (isn't as bad as it sounds).
You are practicing passive-aggressive behavior by denying that you deserve to be open, honest and direct. This appears to be a pattern since you did it with the guest too.
You are upset that he doesn't get your hints. Men don't get hints. You have to be direct. I'm positive that you have never told him about your expectations for exchanging gifts. He knows what his brother and parents expect but you have let it slide before.
You ARE pouting. I guarantee you that he is clueless trying to decipher all of this.
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