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Hi all! The usual - long-time lurker first time poster. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and half now and we are moving towards "serious" mode - considering moving in, marriage, and the rest of our lives - oh my. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his early thirties (4 year age diff). We get along amazingly and our values and interests line up perfectly in every way except a big one of course because life likes to do that to you. We are both working professionals, he is extremely considerate, good communicator, very responsible, sweet, handsome, etc. The whole nine yards. I was born and raised in New York and he was born in India and moved out here for school and has lived here since - about 10 years give or take.
We have navigated cultural differences really well with both of us coming to reasonable compromises that we are both still happy with. So the problem now lies in the fact that I question if the compromises we've reached are really enough or if they are even something that I want to compromise on re: how our life together looks ongoing. I don't think he is wrong and he is always careful to consider my position and doesn't make me feel like I am unreasonable either...I just am concerned that despite neither of us being wrong, we aren't on the same page.
Obviously, the Indian family stereotype is a common one, and I think many people have heard a horror story here or there. His family is quite reasonable but they are still a product of their culture. I keep coming back to being unhappy at the end of the day because he has so many relatives and friends and obligations that every month there is someone staying for the weekend or for half a week or some other issue has come up that he feels obligated to respond to and address. His parents visit for several weeks at a time and while we've talked about this and we reached a compromise that is acceptable to us both, I still feel like....there are so many relationships where I wouldn't have to deal with this. Is this just me having grass is greener syndrome? I don't want to throw away something really good because I think something else could be "better."
At the same time, I can't ignore that I am unhappy with the way things are and how I perceive our future together. He also has a sister that I don't get along with and has caused a lot of issues in our relationship and I don't see that ever going away - we've almost broken up twice because of this, initiated by me. All of his friends were in arranged marriages and he only has Indian friends, which makes me feel like he is more steeped in his culture than he is aware of and his frame of reference is more "Indian" than "American." Again, nothing wrong with that, but it does create a divide between us. I guess I would just like to hear from anyone who has had a similar issue and how they worked through it - if they did. I am not concerned about him leaving me at the last minute for an arranged marriage BTW - that was just to give context about the frame of reference he has. He is divorced and his ex wife is out here in the US as well. Any other questions, just let me know! Thanks!
OMG, an Indian guy actually got a date!! I keep telling them it's possible, but the ones who post here never believe me! (Sorry, OP--bad joke, but you don't know what we've been through, here....)
Do you know what the divorce was about? Have you ever met the ex, and heard her side?
One way to deal with the family visits issue is to move somewhere (did you say you're in NYC?) where a small single family home is affordable, and get one with a basement unit, or buy a duplex. Visitors can be accommodated in the separate unit, where he can visit with them as much as they require, but you two still have your privacy. Wait, no, maybe not; that might encourage one of the relatives to move in. A house w/a basement studio, at most, then.
As much as I like to root for the Indian guys, my concern would be that in some cases, the extent of the conscious or sub-conscious cultural influences can only be known for sure after marriage. Everyone should be considered on their own merits, and there's no way for us to know in your case, so you'll have to figure this out on your own. That's as far as I'm willing to go, here.
Oh, here's a good question that's come up on many threads: if there were some kind of conflict between you and his parents, or you and another family member, would he back you? A married couple's loyalty is supposed to be to each other; that's what they pledge when they take vows. Some individuals aren't able to move family to second place, and put the spouse first, irrespective of culture. That doesn't bode well for the marriages.
You mean elaborate? I think it's the introvert in me...what feels like always having people over is rough. It has some benefits and it's lovely that he has so many people in his life who care for him and he likes spending time with, it's just feeling like having a revolving front door is scary. We don't live together yet and I fear that when we do, I won't have a place to retreat to and I will not handle it well.
We're also greatly improved in communication and so forth, but it took a while to get there and I still feel residual wariness about it - so part of my unhappiness is my own ruminations on the recent past. He also has learned that his family is a sticky point of contention for us, so he tends to "hide" any developments with his family that may cause conflict between us. That is still something we are working on but it's kind of a constant elephant in the room - what new development is going to be dropped on me today.
Oh, here's a good question that's come up on many threads: if there were some kind of conflict between you and his parents, or you and another family member, would he back you? A married couple's loyalty is supposed to be to each other; that's what they pledge when they take vows. Some individuals aren't able to move family to second place, and put the spouse first, irrespective of culture. That doesn't bode well for the marriages.
Something to think about.
Yes this is very important.
And I echo RFT: Score one for the Indian Guy who got the Western Girl!
And to answer the OP, no I could not handle this family and would not marry into one like it.
OMG, an Indian guy actually got a date!! I keep telling them it's possible, but the ones who post here never believe me!
Do you know what the divorce was about? Have you ever met the ex, and heard her side?
One way to deal with the family visits issue is to move somewhere (did you say you're in NYC?) where a small single family home is affordable, and get one with a basement unit, or buy a duplex. Visitors can be accommodated in the separate unit, where he can visit with them as much as they require, but you two still have your privacy.
As much as I like to root for the Indian guys, my concern would be that in some cases, the extent of the conscious or sub-conscious cultural influences can only be known for sure after marriage. Everyone should be considered on their own merits, and there's no way for us to know in your case, so you'll have to figure this out on your own. That's as far as I'm willing to go, here.
Hahaha omg totally. And to very very very very briefly and minimally toot my own horn - I am pretty great lol, attractive, successful, kind, yay!! And he is all of these things as well!
Okay anyways! I have not met the ex, he has never even spoken her name to me. His retelling is that she changed a lot once they got married (married for over 8 years, got married young, they met in college) and she decided he was too introverted for her. She wanted to hang out with her new friends and co workers after work, compared him to other men and found him lacking and then moved out of their apartment. Wanted to be with someone who wanted to go out with her more, go out for drinks, meet new people, etc.
Yes, in NYC. That is a very fair long-term resolution, in the interim, he has a two bedroom place and I have a one bedroom place lol so we are a little cramped for space when everyone is visiting.
My concern is the cultural influences as well, obviously it's hard to chime in without knowing the whole picture and real life is always more complicated than a few paragraphs of words in a forum.
He also has learned that his family is a sticky point of contention for us, so he tends to "hide" any developments with his family that may cause conflict between us.
This is a big red flag and will continue to be as you progress through typical milestones, especially when you have kids.
In my experience, family issues tend to get more annoying over time, not less. So anything that bugs you enough that he wants to hide it now will become even less tolerable in the future.
I think he meant that is the main point of your post and the overriding truth you should pay attention to.
Oh, doy thanks. I'm not happy with things....that is very true. But I think that is also part of every relationship and I don't want to go looking for "the next best thing" you know? He is such a good man and such an amazing partner in so many ways, that I want to work through things with him if I can.
Oh, here's a good question that's come up on many threads: if there were some kind of conflict between you and his parents, or you and another family member, would he back you? A married couple's loyalty is supposed to be to each other; that's what they pledge when they take vows. Some individuals aren't able to move family to second place, and put the spouse first, irrespective of culture. That doesn't bode well for the marriages.
Something to think about.
Oh as for this portion which I overlooked totally - sorry - that is a great question. He says that he agrees and believes that a married couple's loyalty and priority is to each other. That his "family" - meaning very specifically defined by him as him, me and any kids we have - come first, and his "family of origin" after that. If he didn't feel that way then there would be no question for me as far as bailing fast lol. But it's the actual practice of that that is hard because he does feel guilty when his family wants more from him and he feels like he's being a bad son, etc. That happens in every family, lordy, my mom is the queen of guilt trips haha. It's just what his family "wants" is so much more burdensome than what a western family may want / expect. It's navigating this difficulty that I struggle with. And yes, it has been a journey in us coming to a place where I do feel like he would prioritize me and then yes, prioritize his "Wife" once we get there.
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I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and half now and we are moving towards "serious" mode - considering moving in, marriage, and the rest of our lives - oh my. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his early thirties (4 year age diff). We get along amazingly and our values and interests line up perfectly in every way except a big one of course because life likes to do that to you. We are both working professionals, he is extremely considerate, good communicator, very responsible, sweet, handsome, etc. The whole nine yards. I was born and raised in New York and he was born in India and moved out here for school and has lived here since - about 10 years give or take.
