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Old 02-09-2017, 01:17 PM
 
14 posts, read 9,696 times
Reputation: 10

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I'm 41 my newly ex-gf is 34. We met at a meetup for hikers. At the time we met, I was nearing the finalization of a divorce with my wife, facing a 60 day jail sentence for a DUI and awaiting the judge's determination on what happens to the property my ex-wife and I own together.

My ex-gf and I hit it off incredibly well. We loved spending every minute together. After 5 months we had already met each other's families, I spent Christmas her family, she spent Thanksgiving with mine. Things were wonderful. We had started talking about a future together. I moved in with her, we were happy, we were compatible, we were hopeful.

Then my divorce ruling came through. The property that I had worked so hard for, sank all my savings into went to my ex-wife because she has a 2 year old daughter and the judge ruled that she is allowed to live there until her daughter turns 18, at which time she is ordered to sell the house and we split the proceeds. Basically, I got nothing.

So, that, compounded with my upcoming jail sentence just crushed me. I buckled underneath all the weight and felt like garbage. I knew I would not have anything to invest in a future with my new gf. So, in a moment of emotional distress, I wrote her a quick and pathetic good bye letter, packed my stuff and left.

I regretted it instantly. But the damage was done. My gf got the letter and, understandably was incredibly hurt, shocked and angry. She told me to never contact her again. She wouldn't take my calls, I sent her an email explaining my state of mind at the time. Still nothing. Her parents eventually called me and told me to leave their daughter alone. That was two weeks ago. I haven't contacted her since.

Is there anything I can do at this point? Is there anyway to get back what we had together? I'm so hurt and she's hurt. But we had such a good thing together, it really was good. Any advice would help.

Thanks
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Old 02-09-2017, 01:43 PM
 
18,821 posts, read 17,372,879 times
Reputation: 43171
So many problems, here, son.

The child you speak of so distantly...is this your daughter?

You moved in with your rebound after 5 months of dating? NO!

Her parents had to tell you to leave her alone? Were you stalking her? Scaring her?

I am also surprised that a judge ordered that you continue to stay on the title of a house for the next 16 years that you don't live in? Are you still paying the mortgage and taxes? Typically the non-resident spouse signs a quit deed and the residing spouse sells or refinances in their name and the equity is split. Where was your lawyer?

Go do your time and start your life over. You have some soul searching to do.
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Old 02-09-2017, 01:47 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
18,210 posts, read 15,965,975 times
Reputation: 36743
Sorry, dude. I am all for fighting for love but if even her parents tell you to go away - that sounds like one step away from a restraining order.


Get your stuff together and focus on yourself for the moment to get past that DUI and depression.
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Old 02-09-2017, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
25,940 posts, read 28,318,688 times
Reputation: 61205
OP, it sounds like you're floundering in life, and you're clinging to the idea of your ex as a life raft because you've never really been alone. She's hurt and she doesn't want to speak to you anymore. For her sake, listen to her. Now would be a great time to get right with yourself on your own.
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Old 02-09-2017, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Earth
4,569 posts, read 4,504,843 times
Reputation: 6974
I agree with the first 2 answers. You jumped into another relationship too soon. Both you and your ex walked right into this. There was just no way this was going to work long-term -given the timing of it.

It's nothing wrong with having a difficult time and needing to get your head right. But your timing was off. You should have recognized that you weren't in a place to invest in a relationship BEFORE you started it, not in the middle -after you'd moved in with a woman.

However, she should have seen the red-flags -knowing that a man splitting up from his wife, and having all kinds of legal troubles, in addition to alcohol problems, wouldn't be the most emotionally healthy person at the time to begin a serious relationship.

However, she seems to be doing the right thing now, which is moving on and not investing anymore of her heart and mind to someone with so much baggage. And now her parents have warned you to stay away, So for now, focus on getting yourself together, rather than dating to avoid repeats of this. If you 2 are gonna reconcile, she has to make the next move, not you. because you have been warned by herself, and family to back off. Nothing else you can do, unless you want a restraining order on top of a DUI.
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Old 02-09-2017, 02:03 PM
 
14 posts, read 9,696 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
So many problems, here, son.

The child you speak of so distantly...is this your daughter?

You moved in with your rebound after 5 months of dating? NO!

Her parents had to tell you to leave her alone? Were you stalking her? Scaring her?

I am also surprised that a judge ordered that you continue to stay on the title of a house for the next 16 years that you don't live in? Are you still paying the mortgage and taxes? Typically the non-resident spouse signs a quit deed and the residing spouse sells or refinances in their name and the equity is split. Where was your lawyer?

Go do your time and start your life over. You have some soul searching to do.
No, my ex-wife's daughter is not mine.

I don't consider my gf a rebound.

Her parents told me to leave her alone because they came to her house to comfort her after she read my letter. They saw how upset she was and sent me a text telling me to leave her alone. I wasn't stalking or anything like that. I had only send my gf a couple of texts trying to explain things to her and apologizing.

I did not have to quit claim the house back to my wife because we paid for it with cash. So, I have equity in the house. However, she is unable to buy me out so the judge ruled that she can live there until her daughter turns 18.

I'm doing my jail time as I write this. Getting it done, moving on with my life. I just feel like my gf and I had something really special, that's why it's hard right now.
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Old 02-09-2017, 02:07 PM
 
14 posts, read 9,696 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate View Post
Nothing else you can do, unless you want a restraining order on top of a DUI.
Believe me, I know. Which is why I haven't had any contact with her since her parents told me to leave her alone. I know how to walk away, but it's just hard because we had something so real. I know that doesn't seem realistic to the readers here, but things were good. We were moving in the right direction. I just a meltdown. I've never had a meltdown before. It was a mistake. I really want her to forgive me and give us a second chance. But no, I'm not going to contact her again. My therapist told me I should write her a heartfelt letter but both of my parents disagree with that. They believe that I've already issued a thorough apology and now the ball is in her court. But I'm still hurting.
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Old 02-09-2017, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,986 posts, read 51,791,855 times
Reputation: 98359
What did your letter say?
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Old 02-09-2017, 02:08 PM
 
16,719 posts, read 17,089,560 times
Reputation: 41351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smok311 View Post
facing a 60 day jail sentence for a DUI
I think, for both of you, you need to worry about getting your life straight first.

60 days for a DUI sounds like a second or third offense. You'll also be paying a huge fine, doing lots of community service, going to years of probation, etc.

I know, because I've been there, and I will never do that again.
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Old 02-09-2017, 02:16 PM
 
11,230 posts, read 10,762,478 times
Reputation: 17269
Unfortunately those spur of the moment panic decisions may come back to haunt as. . . as you already know OP.

The bell has rung, best thing you can do for yourself is to learn from what happened, get to know yourself, and do the right thing going forward. We can learn from bad decisions; we learn to think before we speak or do things; we learn to take our time making a decision by weighing the pros and cons (unless it's an emergency).

Don't waste time kicking yourself around the block. It will just take some time to get things sorted out and put into perspective.
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