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Was out the other night with a new gentleman. Within the first few minutes of our meal he mentions he is "on the spectrum" and that he doesn't pick up on social cues well. He says he really needs to analyze the behavior and commented on my body language, etc.
He also mentioned he is 40 and single so that means something is wrong with him. (I don't agree on being single at 40). He also talked a lot about his dog and what a great companion he is so he really doesn't need a partner.
Overall the convo was pleasant enough but he had zero interest in me, my life, etc. Zero questions. Even on things in common he made zero comment (like we went to the same college out of state).
After the meal he asked me to his place to watch TWD - I had mentioned playfully how I was out when it was on and egads! the tragedy. He watches it too and he's on the way home and it was already after 9 pm so sure. He puts his dog between us and instead of watching the show he says he DVRs it and he wanted watch Face the Nation from the morning. Not really a date show if you are wondering.
So...I'm not feeling it and funny enough, the spectrum thing didn't bother me at all but he takes my rejection for another date as me being a ***** with undeserved high standards. No, really, he had zero interest in anything at all about me - and that is a red flag I rarely overlook (unless maybe he's really fun or something ).
If anyone cares, he made a good living, had a decent house, paid for the meal, wasn't a sexist jerk, and was ok looking. Didn't matter.
So guys, show interest in your dates PLEASE. Gah! This is the biggest pet peeve of all my woman friends. It is normal manners if nothing else. We won't be friends with people like this, why would we date you?
Yes, Once I met a guy who said he can be with me or with someone else and I said in that case, please stop wasting my time and go to be with someone else... lol
I wanted a guy who would not want to be with someone else but only with me.
This is just a case of being stuck in a routine. He feels the way he does, single and 40, because he's probably spent the majority of his life single. People who talk about their pets constantly, like they're humans, is a bit of a yellow flag for me. I love pets and love playing with them, but I've encountered several men and women who view them as humans, and it's no wonder they can't fit a partner in their life. It's not that the other person doesn't respect or love animals themselves, but you see early on that there's no room for another person in their life. Being a pet owner is no different than a relationship, it takes balance. I don't want to date my pet, so I'm going to balance my love for my pet and a potential partner, because I do want to date a partner.
The date was bad, because this guy was unwilling to consider another person's feelings and viewpoints. Like you said, from a dating standpoint, he checked the right boxes. Stable, has a decent income, has a house, and paid for the date. Yet, the whole date was about his needs and his wants. None of the focus was on you, which is #1 when dating and trying to get to know a woman, as a man.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,713 posts, read 41,919,338 times
Reputation: 41474
Quote:
Originally Posted by magpiehere
The "red flag" thread made me think of this.
Was out the other night with a new gentleman. Within the first few minutes of our meal he mentions he is "on the spectrum" and that he doesn't pick up on social cues well. He says he really needs to analyze the behavior and commented on my body language, etc.
He also mentioned he is 40 and single so that means something is wrong with him. (I don't agree on being single at 40). He also talked a lot about his dog and what a great companion he is so he really doesn't need a partner.
Overall the convo was pleasant enough but he had zero interest in me, my life, etc. Zero questions. Even on things in common he made zero comment (like we went to the same college out of state).
After the meal he asked me to his place to watch TWD - I had mentioned playfully how I was out when it was on and egads! the tragedy. He watches it too and he's on the way home and it was already after 9 pm so sure. He puts his dog between us and instead of watching the show he says he DVRs it and he wanted watch Face the Nation from the morning. Not really a date show if you are wondering.
So...I'm not feeling it and funny enough, the spectrum thing didn't bother me at all but he takes my rejection for another date as me being a ***** with undeserved high standards. No, really, he had zero interest in anything at all about me - and that is a red flag I rarely overlook (unless maybe he's really fun or something ).
If anyone cares, he made a good living, had a decent house, paid for the meal, wasn't a sexist jerk, and was ok looking. Didn't matter.
So guys, show interest in your dates PLEASE. Gah! This is the biggest pet peeve of all my woman friends. It is normal manners if nothing else. We won't be friends with people like this, why would we date you?
IMO you lost a lost of creditability when you said there was something wrong with being single at 40 and you went to his house not knowing dude on the first date. Too bad because you have a legit gripe otherwise.
I thought she meant that being single at 40 DOESN'T automatically mean there is something wrong with you.
Anyway, I also wonder why you went to his place, OP. Were you thinking he'd loosen up a bit in his own environment?
All the other stuff aside, I agree 100% on the "asking about me" stuff. That's how conversation works. You don't just sit there waiting for your turn to use the other person's comments as a jumping comment for the point YOU want to make. You ask about them and comment on the things they say in order to learn about them and to move the conversation forward.
I think it's good that you recognize a red flag early on.
I'm wondering since he's on the spectrum if it wouldn't be helpful for him to have you spell out exactly what went wrong. It would be weird to do that with a neurotypical guy, but your date might welcome the feedback.
I'm wondering since he's on the spectrum if it wouldn't be helpful for him to have you spell out exactly what went wrong. It would be weird to do that with a neurotypical guy, but your date might welcome the feedback.
I was thinking that too, especially since he announced at the beginning of the date that he needs to analyze body language.
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