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I was talking to my husband about this in the car this morning. He dated a ton before we met. He said that he had never once gone up to a complete stranger with "interest" on his mind. That the people he dated were people he had gotten to know and had established some kind of mutual interest before then. He said he did not know if a single person whose dating was of the cold approach variety and that even OLD you spend some time determining if you have mutual interests and chat to see if there is any compatibility. The idea of just walking up to a complete stranger with dating interest is completely baffling to me. Which is why I wouldn't do it! I certainly asked plenty of guys out in my day. But guys I LIKED.
If I was not married and someone walked up to me out of the blue with obvious "interest" on his mind, that would be a Definite Non Starter.
Don't you people have women in your life and around you that you can actually get to know who also happen to be attractive?
"Cold approaches" happen a lot, and some result in dating and more. Think about it; it's not unusual for couples to have met at a party, wedding, or other event. That chit-chat that happens at those events, the mixing and mingling, is basically a form of cold approach. Some pairing-up or dating results from conversations struck up at the grocery store, farmer's market, and other random errands. Sometimes it's the woman who's friendly and outgoing, and the guy she addresses a comment to takes an interest, and follows up with her. People at movie screenings, wine-tastings, and other events might not even be "approaching" with any particular "interest", but simply enthusing about the event to a random person in the crowd with them, and interest develops from the conversation.
Of course it makes sense to "approach" someone you already know and have something in common with. But that's not the only way people meet. And some of the guys who have posted here over years can't even manage to suggest a get-together with the women they know. They convince themselves "she wouldn't be interested in me", "she's just being friendly, she's not expressing that kind of interest", etc. They talk themselves out of potential easy wins. Even a warm approach, i.e. asking out someone you know and get along with, can be an impossible hurdle for some people. It still requires an approach, and taking a risk.
"Cold approaches" happen a lot, and some result in dating and more. Think about it; it's not unusual for couples to have met at a party, wedding, or other event. That chit-chat that happens at those events, the mixing and mingling, is basically a form of cold approach. Some pairing-up or dating results from conversations struck up at the grocery store, farmer's market, and other random errands. Sometimes it's the woman who's friendly and outgoing, and the guy she addresses a comment to takes an interest, and follows up with her. People at movie screenings, wine-tastings, and other events might not even be "approaching" with any particular "interest", but simply enthusing about the event to a random person in the crowd with them, and interest develops from the conversation.
Of course it makes sense to "approach" someone you already know and have something in common with. But that's not the only way people meet. And some of the guys who have posted here over years can't even manage to suggest a get-together with the women they know. They convince themselves "she wouldn't be interested in me", "she's just being friendly, she's not expressing that kind of interest", etc. They talk themselves out of potential easy wins. Even a warm approach, i.e. asking out someone you know and get along with, can be an impossible hurdle for some people. It still requires an approach, and taking a risk.
Ok well maybe here is an interesting thing that someone MIGHT be thinking. Let's say one of these guys and I were at ... take one of your examples, a wine tasting. My girl goes to the bathroom or whatever and a conversation is struck with one of these guys. After a couple of minutes, he invites me to ... I don't know the farmer's market because we were just talking about their awesome samosas. There is No Freaking Way I would go on a date with that person after a few minutes of idle chit chat even if he was Matt Damen.
So guys... could that be it? Not that you are not good enough?
ETA: Like an attitude, ok this one is not down. Moving right along.
Ok well maybe here is an interesting thing that someone MIGHT be thinking. Let's say one of these guys and I were at ... take one of your examples, a wine tasting. My girl goes to the bathroom or whatever and a conversation is struck with one of these guys. After a couple of minutes, he invites me to ... I don't know the farmer's market because we were just talking about their awesome samosas. There is No Freaking Way I would go on a date with that person after a few minutes of idle chit chat even if he was Matt Damen.
So guys... could that be it? Not that you are not good enough?
ETA: Like an attitude, ok this one is not down. Moving right along.
I'm still confused as to what you're getting at. No one is asking why men get turned down. The reason you posted can certainly be one of many, but it's completely irrelevant here.
Ok well maybe here is an interesting thing that someone MIGHT be thinking. Let's say one of these guys and I were at ... take one of your examples, a wine tasting. My girl goes to the bathroom or whatever and a conversation is struck with one of these guys. After a couple of minutes, he invites me to ... I don't know the farmer's market because we were just talking about their awesome samosas. There is No Freaking Way I would go on a date with that person after a few minutes of idle chit chat even if he was Matt Damen.
So guys... could that be it? Not that you are not good enough?
ETA: Like an attitude, ok this one is not down. Moving right along.
Well, maybe that's just you, and a percentage of other women. But some women will meet up with a guy for coffee or a farmer's market browse, or an art fair, whatever, (drinks, even), after hitting it off with someone in a random encounter. That may or may not lead to a relationship; it may fizzle after a couple of dates. But that is one way dating happens.
Look at how many people go out with strangers after "meeting" them online. At least when you first encounter them in person, you don't have to worry about whether they're using a photo that's 10 years out-of-date, or that they're faking an online persona.
Well, maybe that's just you, and a percentage of other women. But some women will meet up with a guy for coffee or a farmer's market browse, or an art fair, whatever, (drinks, even), after hitting it off with someone in a random encounter. That may or may not lead to a relationship; it may fizzle after a couple of dates. But that is one way dating happens.
Look at how many people go out with strangers after "meeting" them online. At least when you first encounter them in person, you don't have to worry about whether they're using a photo that's 10 years out-of-date, or that they're faking an online persona.
People have sex on the first night they meet for Christ's sake. This reality of hers is not the norm.
I'm still confused as to what you're getting at. No one is asking why men get turned down. The reason you posted can certainly be one of many, but it's completely irrelevant here.
Well I think it is. These guys are saying that they FEEL like they are not "good enough". But the person doing the turning down likely is not even thinking of merit. Would that not be a helpful thing to internalize when fearing rejection?
Well I think it is. These guys are saying that they FEEL like they are not "good enough". But the person doing the turning down likely is not even thinking of merit. Would that not be a helpful thing to internalize when fearing rejection?
I agree with you 100%.
But the thread isn't "How can we make guys that have a fear of rejection not fear it," It's "Why do they have it."
To add to this thread: very few people are literally afraid of approaching a woman and being rejected. There are far more practical things to worry about:
- She says no - and then tells all her friends that you're "some sort of creep," which damages your reputation since everyone believes the accuser these days... unless the accused is rich, in which case nobody believes the accusers.
- She says yes, strings you along for a while, and then just vanishes, leaving you with wasted evenings and having gotten your hopes up.
- She says yes, you invest time, effort, and money into the relationship, and she simply walks out on you, or reveals that she's still in love with her old boyfriend... who'll be getting out of prison soon. Or maybe she drains your bank accounts, sleeps with your friends, totals your car, or does some other stupid, destructive thing.
It's not being rejected by a stranger so much that hurts for many men - it's the danger of letting some total unknown into your life. Sure, you WANT to find that "special someone," but doing so is often about as fun as going on a job interview while, at the same time, trying to interview her. Eventually, after enough bad experiences, guys may give up unless they happen to be particularly fortunate or persistent.
So, ladies, when a guy fails to read your subtle signals (a language a lot of men are no longer versed in understanding), and "rejects" you because he never approached, understand that he's probably not rejecting you specifically - how could he? He probably knows nothing about you aside from your appearance and a few general personality traits. No, he's probably rejecting what you MIGHT be based on past bad experiences. It's nothing personal, but it can still hurt.
Note that all of the above also applies to women who reject men for seemingly no reason. While the game is played differently by each sex, the motivating factors are very similar, if not identical.
Very interesting point. Then you have the smart alecks (sp-whatever) who then say, "well I could have something bad happen to me with some *insert activity that needs to be done to survive* but that doesn't stop me from doing it".
The 2nd and 3rd points are kinda concerning to me. I have to admit; these cross my mind from time to time.
I was talking to my husband about this in the car this morning. He dated a ton before we met. He said that he had never once gone up to a complete stranger with "interest" on his mind. That the people he dated were people he had gotten to know and had established some kind of mutual interest before then. He said he did not know if a single person whose dating was of the cold approach variety and that even OLD you spend some time determining if you have mutual interests and chat to see if there is any compatibility. The idea of just walking up to a complete stranger with dating interest is completely baffling to me. Which is why I wouldn't do it! I certainly asked plenty of guys out in my day. But guys I LIKED.
If I was not married and someone walked up to me out of the blue with obvious "interest" on his mind, that would be a Definite Non Starter.
Don't you people have women in your life and around you that you can actually get to know who also happen to be attractive?
Yeah, but those womens have them in the friendzone. Once you go in, there is no coming out.
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