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I am selective in the women I decide to get to know. I don't approach much but when I do it means she stood out to me.
That's fine.
For me, I wished that I knew more people back when I was single and that I didn't have to approach women I barely knew, but sometimes you have no other choice. Especially when you're in a new city, where you don't know anybody or any women.
I do get the fear of rejection. I really do. But there is no reward without risk. I just had a long conversation with a friend about something unrelated and he motivated my boyfriend and I to put our art out there. I mean, he got us really amped. And he made the analogy of seeing 50 women in the club. He's gonna ask all 50. If he gets rejected, he moves on to the next one. He said nobody ever died from a no. Us women don't bite. So what is so scary about approaching us?
We could turn it around and ask the same of you: why don't women approach men?
I'm afraid to talk to women, but I force myself to do it. Especially lately for fun I make myself open a conversation, chat it up a bit, then if I feel froggy ask for a number or if they want to hang. There is a thrill/rush when you pick out a woman, approach her cold, chat it up, then go for the close. Even a rejection makes me feel happy and accomplished. The trick is to have some practiced material to work with so your nervousness doesn't trip you up. Even "hi my name is ____" is practiced material. The regret of not approaching an attractive women I am clearly in a position to is WORSE than getting rejected.
When you get rejected you have satisfaction of stepping out of your comfort zone and having courage to do something which may crush your self esteem. I think this builds character. Doing the same thing and approaching men can also make you some cool buddies. There are lots of cool interesting people to meet men and women. Those people can introduce you to other people. Within a very short time you can infiltrate a social circle and have lots of friends. Turning approaches/numbers/etc into meaningful relationships is a whole nother animal but I think it is a numbers game. Meet enough guys and eventually you will cross some great people that can become great friends. Meet enough women and eventually you will meet the one or at least a good one. If you never approach, you will never meet.
But whether or not you decide to crack a joke or start talking to the woman in line in front of you at the coffee shop probably depends on whether or not you think she's cute.
Or you just make it a habbit to joke/talk to every person you get in line next to even if it's a man. This builds social skills that are useful when talking to women. I heard somewhere that men are just ugly women therefore talking to them can also improve your social skill.
When I am in a coffee shop I just want my order taken so I can go, not crack jokes. Just because I leave my apartment all the time doesn't mean I'm looking for a woman. Would you want someone bothering you when you just want to get your stuff and go?
It doesn't matter what other people want. If they don't want to talk, they will snub you and you brush it off and move on. On the flip side, a lot of people are bursting with potential conversation just need a spark from you to set them off. When the conversation stalls and they come up with something to keep it going, you can rest assured they are enjoying the time and probably interested in you.
It's the same reason women dont approach men--- the fear of rejection or looking stupid.
The key to confident approaching as a man is to build momentum, which builds confidence. Learn what types of girls are in your league, and start there. And always adhere to the Golden Rule of attraction---interest level. Approach and pursue women who show interest in you. If they act ambivalent or disinterested, move on. Never approach them again. Guys can be oblivious to these subtleties, so it helps to have some intel until you get more experienced.
I was never a big fan of "cold approaching"---just talking to random women at first sight with no indication of interest or disinterest. It's a numbers game and the yields are poor compared to interest-based approaching.
I went from being a withdrawn, socially inept young guy with confidence issues to basically never being in need of a date or a number to call. I wasnt a natural, so I had to make a study out of it. I'll say this to single guys: women for the most part are not going to come to you. If you wait, you will live a lonely life. Focus on improving yourself and your standing in life, approach women within your league who show interest, and get some damn experience. And "interest" is often as simple as body language. Sure rejection is painful, but you get over it, and you realize after a while that even the hottest girl in the world is no more special than you.
This approach worked for me, and now I have no fear of talking to any female. I'm married now so I dont care, but the tables really turn for men after 30. We're more established, mature, experienced. The younger girls find us more attractive and the ones our age are now at a selection disadvantage. 30 is kind of the tipping point for both sexes in terms of dating. Men's market value goes up (assuming we have our act together), and women's goes down. Sorry, but not sorry. It's social heresy to say that in public but I think it's because the truth hurts.
Amazing post!!! Thank you for sharing your story and spot on!
It doesn't matter what other people want. If they don't want to talk, they will snub you and you brush it off and move on. On the flip side, a lot of people are bursting with potential conversation just need a spark from you to set them off. When the conversation stalls and they come up with something to keep it going, you can rest assured they are enjoying the time and probably interested in you.
Like I said before when I'm in a coffee shop like starbucks I don't want to socialize at all. I just want to order my stuff and sit or leave in peace. Like you just said, I'm not interested in talking with them so I tell them no thank you and move on.
I can give my perspective. I went to a club a few years ago(someone's birthday). I was basically coerced into approaching some females.
Normally, I don't approach unless I feel it's worth it. I don't try unless I know there is some common ground I can find. However, this guy pretty much said "just go up there".
I did it. I went up and said hello to a group of women at the club. I got rejected in a very humiliating way. I was given that "are you lost?" kind of response. I was basically treated like a creep. I never approached anyone else that night. Said persons could have said hello back just to be polite. Instead it was this snob response.
I don't know what to say in most social situations. Unless there is some noticeable common ground, I won't just go up and approach. That and in many places, I'm so used to doing my own thing by myself.
Like I said before when I'm in a coffee shop like starbucks I don't want to socialize at all. I just want to order my stuff and sit or leave in peace. Like you just said, I'm not interested in talking with them so I tell them no thank you and move on.
Well, you're certainly more tact that some people I've dealt with.
But if the OP wants to know why so many men are afraid to talk to women, this is the response. Fear of rejection. While you would respond in a more polite manner, some people won't.
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