Doing the right thing by sticking it out? (wife, girlfriends, how to)

[Betj123]

Hey all, I'm new here - but have read a lot of threads and decided to throw out my question to you.

I'm married 15 years to a man 12 years my senior. I'm turning 40 this year. We have 2 kids ages 12 and 8. The kids are great students and seem very well adjusted. I never really thought that the age difference would be a problem for me, but after all I was only 22 when I met my dh. Now that we're getting older, I've gained a lot of perspective and am starting to recognize our age-gap differences much more.

For example, I really love to go out and socialize, hang out with friends, go to concerts, travel...but dh is a homebody through and through. He doesn't have any guy friends that he hangs out with on a regular basis or activities outside the kids and me. He's also responsible for the care of his aging mother and his aunt.

When I go out with my girlfriends he gets angry and passive-aggressive. Lays guilt trips on me about how I don't want to spend time with my family, and that all he wants to do is be with his kids and why am I not the same way. I don't go out very often, maybe 3x a month, and when I do, it is just over a friend's house or out to dinner. Not club/bar hopping (I'm definitely too old for that). He also says really nasty things to me when he is upset about someone, and then makes it seem like it is my fault somehow. It drives me nuts! Sometimes he will apologize later, and sometimes he won't.

I should also mention that he had a drinking problem that, after I gave him an ultimatum 2 years ago, he got help for. He hasn't had a drink in 1.5 years, although he still smokes pot regularly -- not in front of the kids though.

When I've told him that I wish he and I could spend more quality 1 on 1 time together - or go on "dates" - he responds negatively and says he'd rather stay home with the kids. Forget about going away for a weekend together without the kids - we've done that a few times and it was a disaster through and through. He acted sullen, put-upon, and gave me the attitude that he would rather be anywhere else than there with me. He made me feel selfish for wanting some time with him. He also HATES to travel.

So I've basically given up on hoping for any of that kind of relationship with him. He grew up in a dysfunctional family where his dad was an alcoholic, and his mom was constantly complaining about what a drag her life was being tied down with family obligations.

I know I'm only painting the negative here. He also has many positive attributes. He is home with us every night, is usually great with the dc's (but when he gets angry he withdraws and they don't really understand that it isn't their fault), but he can be really hilarious when he is in a good mood, he's exceptionally intelligent, has a good job, we are in a good financial position -- as long as we stay together... and so on...

Anyway, I think I am rambling, but I am curious as to other people's opinions on my situation. Is the age difference going to continue to be a problem as he gets older? Will he mellow with age? Why doesn't he seem to want to spend time with just me? And if he doesn't want to spend time with me, then why does he get angry when I want to go do things without him?

Maybe it's because I'm turning 40, but I sometimes feel that I have so much time left and I want to enjoy my life - get out and do things and have fun - and that he's holding me back. But then I feel selfish for thinking so and worry that I might mess up my kids.

[jeannie216]

I'm so sorry your going through this but I don't think the age difference is the problem here, it is just the direction the relationship is going. I'm sure there are plenty of 50 something men out there that are very active, outgoing, and full of life and other men in their 30's that have a life style as your husband would like. I think the first thing I would do is ask yourself if you honestly want this to work out for both of you and if so, some counseling for you and your husband. Good luck. Jeannie

[Oobie119]

I can't relate to what youre going through, but I can say the same thing happened to my sister. SHe almost ruined her marriage over what appeared to be nothing more than a midlife crisis, she was in her 40's also. She felt the need to go out and enjoy life, doing many of the same things you are doing. Her husband also resented her. He also had some issues that my sister had to deal with- she was frustrated and tired of dealing, and needed to blow off some steam. Her husband stood by her though and it had a large effect on their daughter (then 20). My advice to you is to really think through WHY you are seeking an "outlet". If it's because you never had the chance to live your life, and you need some ME time-- then you need to communicate that with your husband. However, if you feel that the marriage is coming to a close and you want an out for good, you need to really evaluate the pro's and cons of leaving and staying. Make your decision-.. then just get it over with. However, you need decide what the reasons are and be truthful to yourself and your husband. Decide if this is something that you want permanantly, do you want to continue this lifestyle or continue on with your married life..

[Betj123]

Thanks for weighing in on the topic. Oobie, I find it interesting that your sister turned 40 and also felt similarly to me. As far as an "outlet" goes, well...it's hard to say. 2 years ago right before I gave dh the ultimatum regarding his drinking I went through a kind-of mini mid life crisis, and started spending more time with friends and going to see some summer concerts, etc... I never considered even so much as flirting with anyone else though, but it felt so nice to be out and having fun without dh's disapproving gaze upon me the whole time.

Maybe I am feeling as if I missed out in a way. I met dh when I had never lived on my own - aside from college - and he had already lived in NYC and San Francisco and then had returned to NY. I made my choice and decided to stick with it because I wanted a family more than anything. Now it is 15 years later and I'm thinking - is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life?

Dh and I went to counseling on 2 separate occasions and he was extremely resistant, he has anger issues and either has a temper tantrum or becomes completely noncommunicative when he is mad. I've been in therapy on and off since before I met dh.

I just get so disheartened now that I've finally "grown up" and know that a leopard can't change its spots. I used to harbor the notion that one day he'd wake up and decide he wanted true intimacy with me, he'd want to do the kinds of things I like to do (sometimes), and that he'd learn how to communicate his feelings rather than just lashing out at the easy target (me).

Do I sound indecisive? Well, it's because I am.

[orangie]

These don't sound like age difference issues, they sound like personality/values issues. Maybe you didn't have the time/willingness/inclination to see it before.

[johnycakes]

Its been a busy day and I have to run. But in recovery circles, substituting pot for booze is known as the "marijuana maintenance plan." He's not sober, but smoking his booze. And the drinking/smoking is just a symptom of the underlying problem, which runs much deeper than just needing to put down the intoxicants.

[Betj123]

Very astute observation Johnnycakes. And it's one I've been in conscious denial about.

[flindras]

This is DEFINITELY difference in personality - not age. You have to come to some sort of compromise. Continue to go out 3X a month; some moms don't even go out that much. I think every wife and mother goes through this at some point. We wish we were single in some ways. But this is the sacrifice we make for our kids to have two parents who try to give them a good life until the kids are grown. Time does fly, even though you don't feel that way now. I once said to a friend of mine who also had a family, "It's the same thing every day." She responded, "Do other people feel that way, too?" It's just part of life.

As you say, he's a homebody; you can't change that. You're not. You have the right to go out with your friends but to keep your family intact. Your hubby doesn't sound like a bad guy, but maybe a stick in the mud. I know many middle-aged women who travel without their husbands for the same reason that you will someday. The husbands don't enjoy traveling. I don't think you have hardcore problems. I say since he is a good father, that would be the most important criteria for me sticking it out. Your kids will be sad if you two separate. Find ways to enjoy yourself without him and try being cheerful with him, though I know that will be hard.

[Dbledeez]

Meds. He's showing signs of depression. He's probably had it his whole life. He was probably showing signs back when you were 22 and he was 34 and you decided to marry him.

If that's not an option, then you gotta let the man have his weed. He'll be much worse without it.

[findingmesomeday]

Great book: (Cant' remember the author) "Too good to leave; too bad to stay".