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Old 04-25-2017, 12:44 PM
 
16,715 posts, read 19,315,310 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sungrl01 View Post
It's been so hard living with someone who doesn't love you and is messing around.
File for divorce. You'll feel a lot better when he's been served.
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Old 04-25-2017, 12:57 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,071 posts, read 107,036,480 times
Reputation: 115868
Quote:
Originally Posted by sungrl01 View Post
Yes I have a job and I have a joint and individual bank account. My family offered to pay for lawyer. I thought my spouse and I would work things out. I know naive right?! I believe in the institute of marriage and when he told me he wanted to work things out but was lying and seeing that girl..yeah I guess I knew the writing on the wall. He wants us to be friends for the kids but don't think I can do that given he lied and cheated. He cares nothing for my feelings or any thing but himself. I asked him to leave house he said "no this is my house too and my kids and you can't make me leave" So that is what I'm dealing with.
Good for you! The problem is, he's already told you he checked out of the marriage long ago without telling you, and that he doesn't want to fix it. So that realistically only leaves you the divorce option. Of course, it was a lousy thing on his part to just check out, without discussing with you whatever his issues were, but it's a done deal now, so all you can do is face the inevitable. I don't mean to sound harsh, just summing up your situation. At least you have the support of family--that's huge! I'm sorry it happened this way, but at this point, all you can do is move forward.

I hope you do find happiness someday, but for now, you have a divorce to get through, and kids to look after. Good luck!
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Old 04-25-2017, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,843 posts, read 30,100,958 times
Reputation: 19027
he sounds to me, like he wants his cake and you to....

I would, go to a good attorney, do not tell him your going....and get advice, on what to do which is in the best interest of your children....

I'm thinking he won't leave, b/c if he does, he stands to lose a lot....

is there a lot of equity in the house?

regardless, you will both have to sell and split it, but yes, it would be in your best interest to start procedures....

to stay with someone like this will cause you great pain...apparently this man doesn't care who he hurts....
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Old 04-25-2017, 01:50 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,150,940 times
Reputation: 14823
I'm not too quick to suggest divorce to anyone, but I think you need to look into it. YOU may not be able to get him out of your house, but sometimes the courts can. My first wife wanted me out of the house when I filed for divorce. I'd just come out of back surgery and ran my business out of my home office, so her attorney advised that she should tolerate me in the house for a month. (That gave me some time to heal and to get moved into another house we owned.)

In my case, the judge would likely have sided with me and told my wife to move out (due to my surgery and home office). In your situation, with two kids at home, you're in more need of the house, plus nobody wants to kick the kids out of their home any sooner than absolutely necessary.

At least talk to an attorney and see where you stand, legally. Find out what your options are, what his will be, and how the judge is likely to rule. This can vary greatly state-to-state and depending upon various circumstances.

For what it's worth, I can sort of understand your husband's viewpoint. I felt the same way. My (now ex) wife and I had not been anything more than friends for more than a decade, so I didn't think filing for divorce would change that. LOL It did!
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Old 04-25-2017, 01:56 PM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,005,772 times
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I have been at this very place, a few times. Take yourself to the attorney. Go after everything. Look out for your children and you. Let the new woman worry about him.
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Old 04-25-2017, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Toronto
6,750 posts, read 5,678,825 times
Reputation: 4619
Default ....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sungrl01 View Post
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. He has been sneaking out in the middle of the night and lying to me. Then he confessed he has feelings for another woman and doesn't love me anymore and wants out of our marriage. He said he's been checked out of our marriage for a long time but never talked to me about it or wanted counseling. I have tried to kick him out of the house but he refuses saying "it's his house too and has a right to be there." We have a 3 and 1 year old and says he wants to remain friends for the kids. I feel betrayed from his cheating and lying. I'm trying to hold it together and haven't ate or slept since this happened. It's interesting living in the house while he continues to leave to meet that girl. When does the healing begin? How can I remain friends with someone like this? Do things get easier? Right now I'm a mess and trying to heal and do the right thing for my children. Feeling so broken and lost..I always thought marriage was forever.
Wow. That sucks. I would hate having him around after that. Do you have family support ex in-laws or parents to turn to. I would same him in to leaving. Some people are just so self absorb and selfish. If he had any shame he would at least make plans to move out. If you want to heal this living situation does not seem like it will work.
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Old 04-25-2017, 02:31 PM
 
1,569 posts, read 1,002,564 times
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The healing begins when you go file for divorce right now.Make sure you get child support put into place.In the meantime while that is going on....you start looking for a small place that you can afford.
WHY do you think you have to stay friends with that piece of garbage????You Don't and you should never be.He broke your trust.The ONLY thing you have to be to him is civil for your kids sake but NEVER friends.Period.
I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this BUT the sooner you leave that house...the better.Let him have the house.The way that he handled this was SO wrong.Go to court.file for your divorce and get child support in place and think of your life moving forward for the better without that jerk.
You have a joint bank account.You take half of what is in there and look for a place of your own to live.File for your divorce...don't procrastinate.
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Old 04-25-2017, 03:05 PM
 
880 posts, read 1,245,347 times
Reputation: 1800
You can't heal while the knife is still stuck in your body. Once you are fully out of each others lives, only then it will start.
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Old 04-25-2017, 03:08 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,071 posts, read 107,036,480 times
Reputation: 115868
OP, he's not moving out, because he knows that he could lose the house if it comes to divorce, were he to move out. Maybe he's already consulted with a lawyer to find that out, maybe not. But you need to get legal advice, yourself.
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Old 04-25-2017, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
6,916 posts, read 3,900,529 times
Reputation: 12876
Quote:
Originally Posted by sungrl01 View Post
He wants us to be friends for the kids but don't think I can do that given he lied and cheated.
No matter how things play out between the two of you, let me make one thing clear from being an aunt to two nephews whose parents divorced when they were 6 and 4 years old (they are now 16 and 14) - you MUST remain on good terms with their father, no matter how much of a dog he is being. Never, ever let them see the two of you going at it, for the rest of their lives the two of you will be co-parenting these children, and must continue to make joint decisions for them the same as if you are married.

My ex-SIL cheated on my brother with a guy she met while working as an EMT. I don't know if she left my brother voluntarily, or if he asked her to leave/filed for divorce on his own. He never talked about it, and I will never ask him the details; after 11 years there is no need to. He did get the house, and the dog and two cats. She married her bf (still is married to him) and got custody of the boys except for visitation every other weekend.

Whatever the marital issues, they have continued to act as a united front as far the parenting duties have gone. They have both encouraged and supported my nephews' extra-curricular activities, tagging each other on FB on photos of events if only one of them was in attendance. My nephews excel at football, X-country running and Nordic skiing, bringing home Sectional High School Championships in all three sports during this school year (football for the 14 year old, and running and skiing for the 16 year old), and both compete on the NY-New England regional circuit for Nordic skiing.

I even have her on my FB list, partially because I get to see more photos of my nephews than what my brothers posts (and my parents who are not on FB want to see photos of their grandsons), and partially because she is my nephews' mother, and therefore still a part of the family as far as I'm concerned, even if I haven't seen her since Christmas 2005 (they split in 2006).

Last edited by ContraPagan; 04-25-2017 at 03:31 PM..
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