Doubts about my long term boyfriend- Do I love him more than he loves me? (girlfriends, marriage)

[estrelladelmar]

Hey everyone,

I'm having doubts and I need your advice. I don't know if I'm crazy, needy, too sensitive or just a bit buzzed at the moment (the bday party of my dad just ended and we had plenty of beers) but I'd really appreciate your advice.

I (29) have been with my boyfriend (33) for almost 5 years. Well, 5 years minus last February (2016) when he broke up with me and we didn't get back together til nine months later.
When we met years ago, he was so crazy about me. I could see how much he was in love with me. He asked me to move in with him after two months, even though he had never lived with a girl before.
After the three year mark of our relationship, I started bringing up marriage (we had talked about it earlier but never in a serious way). He said I can choose a ring, and he would propose in a couple of months.

February 2016, we had a huge fight and he suddenly told me he doesn't want to get married and he never really wanted to. I told him I can't be in a relationship with someone who never wants to marry me. He then broke up with me and we were NC for 9 months. Long story short, we got back together this past November and he said he got cold feet but is actually ready to marry me. He said he'll propose in 2017.

I don't know, I have those moments where I doubt his feelings for me. Like, I'm crazy about him, I feel like I love him more every day, I'd do anything for him. The things he does sometimes make me wonder- Do I love him more than he loves me? Here are some examples (Sorry if some of them sound stupid, but I want to make sure I share everything):


- Well, first of all, that he broke up with me last year. I got anxious about it, I get scared sometimes that he'll break up again

- He told me months ago he'll propose in 2017, but has never brought it up ever again- If he really wants to be with me, why hasn't he proposed yet? Since we first got together it's been almost 5 years and we've been living together for most of that

- When we're apart, he never feels the need to talk to me on the phone. Even when we're apart for 1-3 weeks (My family comes from a different country so I go there 2-3x a year). He's okay with talking on messenger only.

- When we're apart, he never actually tells me that he misses me. I never get any sweet words from him. Many days he doesn't even ask me what I've been doing all day. He just answers my questions (I ask him what he's doing, how his parents are etc.) and when one of us goes to bed, he says 'I love you' but that's it

- When he goes to a foreign country without me, he never buys me any gift, not even a small thing. Like this year he went to Greece with his family for a week and a half, didn't get me a single gift, he also went to two other countries for work, nothing. He almost always gets something for his parents though, and I usually got stuff for him in the past when I was traveling

- This last Christmas, he didn't even get me a Christmas gift (while I did give him several). He had no explanation for it, didn't even apologize. He just waited for my birthday to come (two months later) and invited me for a short trip we planned together (so the trip wasn't even a surprise, and it was basically my Christmas and bday gift together in one). Again, he always gets Christmas gifts for his parents and brother.

- I have anxiety, and when I told him about it a while ago, he didn't really seem interested. In fact, he has never even asked me anything about my anxiety, never brought it up ever again.

- When we hug, he always lets go first

- I left my own city to live with him (we moved together to a new city where he started a job), but he doesn't seem to be willing to ever do the same thing for me. We have discussed it, and he basically expressed his wish to stay forever where we are now

- When out in public, he isn't very affectionate. We can walk next to each other for an hour without him ever taking my hand or kiss me




So, those are the examples. I don't want you to have a one sided view though, so he's not all bad, he can also be sweet and nice, like:

- He actually loves to cuddle when we're at home

- He seems very attracted to me and our sex life is great

- He always takes me to his family and friends meetings, so it's not like he's hiding me

- He does say 'I love you' (but only those three words, basically when we say good night on messenger or when he goes to work)

- He seems to enjoy spending time with me, it's not like he rather goes out with friends and stuff (he's not a bar/club person anyways which is good)

- When I'm sick, he takes care of me





I don't know. I'm sorry if this sounds stupid, but I would love to hear opinions. I just have those doubts in my head that keep coming back. For most part I'm happy with him but then I get those doubts because of his behavior sometimes, and I worry about him breaking up with me again (I never would have left him and he did leave me, I guess that broke some trust in him).


Thanks.

[oh-eve]

I think you are expecting too much - none of your complaints seem major.


Nobody is perfect. You will never find the guy who fullfills every single criteria.


However, the proposing thing is another story. He got comfortable and doesn't see the need to change anything - a lot of people do this.

[Harpaint]

He's not the right one for you. You need a man who places you as a higher priority in his life. His behavior regarding gifts is definitely unusual, and most other women would feel hurt by it too. He seems to just take you for granted. I suggest you break up for good, and don't move in with another man without commitment (especially after only 2 months!).

[Coloradomom22]

It's time to move on. He's just not that into you. If he wanted to marry you you would already be engaged. Listen to a man's actions and not his words. Don't waste any more years waiting for him when you could be meeting the man who truly is right for you. As it is right now he doesn't have to do anything for you. You moved to his city so he could stay with his own familiar surroundings. He gets to enjoy the perks of marriage without any commitment. Time to let go.

[ellie]

Move out after Christmas this year if he hasn't proposed. Don't say another word about it, just have a place leased and ready to move in on January 1st.

You have plenty of time to pack between now and then.

[karen_in_nh_2012]

I have never understood this women-wait-and-men-propose thing. If you are talking about a lifelong commitment (which IDEALLY marriage should be), why not just, you know, TALK about it TOGETHER like 2 rational adults? I mean, you're both basically in your 30s now (OK, OP, you're apparently 29) ... but you are "waiting around" for this man to "propose" as if this huge decision is all in his hands? Seems very bizarre to me, and not very romantic.

(Yes, I think it's VERY romantic when 2 adults decide TOGETHER that they want to get married, to make that kind of commitment. Doesn't that sound, you know, amazing and grown-up? )

[bwisita]

What the.. are you in relationship with my husband? LOL. It really boils down to, if you are willing to deal with it, if not, leave.

Most men are really not as emotional like women. But you describe my husband to a T. He takes care of me like in everything. That I officially declare myself retired. LOL.

You can't have everything you want. Like my husband was biatching he wants to go to San Diego for his friend's birthday but he can't coz I will give him attitude. Always ending his rant with is that fair?

So I told him if you are going on a trip without me then I will do the same. I am still deciding if I am mad that he agrees. He is gonna pay for my trip anyway.

But yeah, I don't want him away for 4 days without me but I really just want him to be happy too. Coz he said his ex does not let him go anywhere without her. So yeah, basically I just feel insecure like, does he love his ex more than me coz he follows her 'rule'?

I tend to compare how he seem to be so submissive with his ex more than he is with me. But, well it is what it is.

In the end, OP, it is up to you to decide if you think you are ok with how things are and how he treats you in general.

I do know my husband loves me. And fortunately for him feeling's mutual.

[atgss]

OP spare him the agony of a future divorce that you'll most likely initiate - set him free.

[ClaraC]

This is the problem with living together. He's very comfortable. If he had to marry you to get this comfortable, it's likely he would.

I think this might be a relationship that can be saved, he sounds like a nice enough guy. A very very comfortable, nice enough guy. You have great sex and care about him a lot, and guys can be taught to give gifts. You just have to say in mid December - "what I really want for Christmas is a cozy pair of pajamas" "What I really want for Christmas is tickets to _______ for us". Make it easy, but let him know you expect a gift. And then like it when he gives it to you.

It's not like he's some awful cad who makes cutting statements and keeps in contact with ex girlfriends. He's a good guy, sounds like.

So now the decision is yours to make. Do you want to live like this, not knowing? Would you consider moving out and continuing your relationship from that point? That might move things down the road one way or the other.

I'm a little surprised about his statements that "he'll propose in 2017". If he said that to his family secretly, or his buddies secretly, that's one thing. When he says that to YOU, that's proposing, but without a ring and a date.

Best wishes. It's a sign of intelligence and maturity that you're asking these questions in a thoughtful way.

[rego00123]

He just sounds like your average dude.

You're setting up expectations for him but never relating any of them.
That's called setting things up for failure.

Remember, he's a human too