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The stereotypical scenario when it's the guy who isn't feeling it for a 2nd date is that he says at the end of the first date, "I'll call you", and never does. Is that "playing" his date, and misleading her? Is that grounds for revenge? No, women over generations have learned to just suck it up as "normal". No one drives by their ex-date's place with a flame-thrower, like the woman on Blues Brothers, and blasts the guy away, or breaks into his place.
My gawd, some guy is miffed that there wasn't a second date? Join the rest of humanity, boo hoo! He shouldn't be dating if he can't take it.
Besides, as someone else pointed out early in the thread, it could have been a coincidence. Could be completely unrelated. Still, she was foolish to let a stranger know where she lived. Rick seems to be full of stories about women putting themselves at risk with strangers, in one scenario or another.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsRick24
She invited him, but to her house???
And you're right, the chemistry could have died. But I think she was wrong on two counts: 1) You never invite a stranger to your home; 2) She could have let him down easy.
Not every guy is deranged or crazy! Had it been me, she could have said Thanks but no thanks, and I'd have thanked her for the time, and wished her well. What she did - no, how she did it - was rather immature and childish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
True. But some people can't bring themselves to say, "Thanks for your time, but I'll be moving on." It's no different than the age old "I'll call you", that guys have dished out for aeons, after a first date.
What this discussion is shaping up to sound like is that men can't take a shot of their own medicine.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49erfan916
I don't care what gender it is, what's wrong is wrong. There was an OP just recently that had a thread of she wanted to know why i ended things. I said to tell her and man up.
I don't look at it as a gender issue. And if she cant be honest, then she should not date either. How hard is it really to tell someone that they're not feeling it? I don't know how old these people are, but considering she has her own place, im going to assume she's old enough to tell the truth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
By all means, feel free to go out into the bro-sphere, and post that men should stop telling women "I'll call you", if they don't mean it! Womankind with thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Some guys can't take the truth, either. Look at all the women who have posted here since you joined, about how angry guys get when women decline to provide a stranger with her phone number? She could have told him the truth, and the results could have been the same. (IF the break-in was related at all, which we don't know.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49erfan916
Im disappointed when PEOPLE don't give the proper respect to the other person. It makes me sick when A PERSON cannot simply tell someone that they're no longer feeling it. Granted, I use to be one of those people, but i turned 21 and i learned that ghosting on people and not giving them proper respect was a recipe for disaster for me.
I can't "tell my bro-sphere" that they shouldn't tell women lame ass excuses, the only thing i can do is be the best version of myself and giving my potential partners/dates proper respect.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49erfan916
I guess you may have a point but i still stand that respect should be given to the opposite party regardless of gender. If someone you were attracted to were no longer feeling you, would you rather them:
A) go ghost on you like a little coward
b) have the courage to at least tell you that they're no longer feeling it and why.
The old cliche holds true, treat others on how you want to be treated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
Really? That certainly stands for a long term relationship - the partner deserves an answer.
Not after a first lunch date. Simply saying I'm too busy to get together again, and then not calling, is how I would like to be treated actually. What could a person say truthfully that would make you feel better about yourself? If it's not a match, I don't need to know why you found me lacking thank you, unless it's something fixable like bad breath. It's not really up to us to give first dates a "score card" of what they did that was pleasing or unpleasing. Simply making it clear that you are "too busy" for another date is the most socially graceful way to end it.
And the guy in this incident should have respected that. And if he failed to respect that, then realizing after he told the woman "call me" and she didn't, that's your final socially graceful hint.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsRick24
From my understanding, this is exactly what happened.
To be honest, I really don't know either way whether the guy she dated broke in or not. I hear points on both sides. I think it is better for people to be upfront and honest about how they feel. At the same time, some people have dangerous mindsets and might retaliate in rather extreme ways.
I personally would rather a person tell me or at least clue me in that she is not interested, but she does not need to tell me why because it is all her preference. There are other people that would like me as I am.
These days, how I handle dating is not only no means no, but maybe means no as well. Then yes means maybe.
Feeling "chemistry" always feels mutual, when in fact, it isn't always. I have felt intense chemistry on a first date that I was sure was mutual but never heard from the guy again. *shrug*
And I don't think it is "wrong" to ghost or make polite excuses after a first date when you don't want a second date. For every guy who claims to what to be told the truth, directly, there are 10 guys who don't take rejection well.
Bottom line, don't expect much of anything after a first date. If a second date happens, that is great. Otherwise, shrug it off and keep looking forward.
Ruth, I've been there. Moreso than you imagine.
I'm not gonna lie, I've been disappointed. However, I'd thank her for being stand-up and honest. I've had one woman ask "Can we just be friends?" when she knew darn well I didn't want friendzoning. In either case I say, "Thanks for your time and good luck." Walk away, and don't ever look back.
If she's not sure about me, I move on. Move forward, not backward!
I personally would rather a person tell me or at least clue me in that she is not interested, but she does not need to tell me why because it is all her preference. There are other people that would like me as I am.
You're not many guys, but all it takes is one or two who respond back with: 'Maybe it's time someone knocked you off your pedestal' or some other aggressiveness, when you try to politely say you don't think it's a match. This makes many women just not reply if not interested.
ETA: Real life scenario, and that is after one or 2 attempts to put it in a way that he couldn't take it personally.
The worst part is that this is often the best one can expect. Some people are dangerous when it comes to rejection.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602
Ok, so?
What's wrong with honesty?
I just stated a preference. Nothing to do with whether or not I can tell if someone isn't interested.
So what would "honesty" look like, exactly? Because I can't imagine being completely honest. Like this?
Guy: I had a really nice time with you tonight. Want to go out again next week?
Girl (honest): I didn't have a good time with you. No, I don't want to see you again.
OR
Girl (with some graciousness): thanks for the evening, but I've got a bunch of projects and deadlines coming up for the next few months and I really don't have time for a relationship.
People don't act like honest Girl, because it's just rude and unnecessary. Everyone knows exactly what Gracious girl is saying. Well, I guess the friend of the OP doesn't, but everyone else knows what that means.
So what would "honesty" look like, exactly? Because I can't imagine being completely honest. Like this?
Guy: I had a really nice time with you tonight. Want to go out again next week?
Girl (honest): I didn't have a good time with you. No, I don't want to see you again.
OR
Girl (with some graciousness): thanks for the evening, but I've got a bunch of projects and deadlines coming up for the next few months and I really don't have time for a relationship.
People don't act like honest Girl, because it's just rude and unnecessary. Everyone knows exactly what Gracious girl is saying. Well, I guess the friend of the OP doesn't, but everyone else knows what that means.
"Honest" and "gracious" don't have to be mutually exclusive.
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Reputation: 50620
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
"Honest" and "gracious" don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Well that's what I'm asking. What would you say that would be honest? What exactly would that look like?
For most people, it's very hard to say something critical or rejecting to someone who is being nice to them and wants to be with them.
So how would that go, as a conversation? After a first date I mean, not after a long relationship where you owe them something.
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