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Well this is my first time to this site and I do not usually ask for opinions from forums but I am lost for what I should or should not do and no one has had any words of wisdom.
I have a very good friend, he's a great guy, no really.
He is dating and as so often happens when dating, people have blinders on or ignore that which is painfully obvious because they have issues and feel this is the best they can get.
Well, in his case my buddy has full blinders and thinks he does not deserve better.
This women he is dating is one of the worst people I have ever met. She calls his cell phone at least 12 times per day between the hours of 8am - 5pm while he is at work and when I happen to be around I can hear her yelling at him, trying to make him feel guilty by saying things like "why arn't you home yet, it's late, someone might come in and kill me" and other off the wall crap that screams runaway but he won't. I almost forgot to mention, she has cheated on him 3 times in the last 2 years. Of course when he gets off the phone his mood has changed to completely unhappy and upset. This is a daily thing.
He claims he loves her and does not appear to see how bad he is being treated and feels he can't do better.
I value our friendship, I feel like he is a brother but I have no idea how to help him see the truth without risking our friendship, many people get very angry when you say anything they do not like regarding their partner. I am tempted to keep my mouth shut and be there is he feels he needs someone to talk to but as a friend I do not know how I can just stand by and say nothing. My problem with saying nothing is compounded by the fact that I have seen this before with others and I am willing to bet on the end result which will be pure heartache for a friend that I consider a brother.
If anyone has advise I would be grateful. I do not wish to lose the friendship but I find it wrong to not help a friend who cannot or will not see the truth.
Oh, I don't know. maybe you could ask him if he wouldn't mind you speaking openly and honestly about something in his life.
let him know what it is, and if he doesn't want to hear it, I suppose that is that.
A lot of times, we want our friends to be open with us, but sometimes, as you said, we don't want to hear it.
A person has to KNOW they are good enough and deserving before they can feel that they are. If that makes sense.
Also, you can know you are good enough, without feeling you are. That is the next step after knowing it. It's feeling it.
He may very well know he is good enough and deserving of more, but it doesn't mean that he feels it.
Or, maybe he feels he is, but is with low self esteem, feels he is good enough, but if he lets her go, will OTHER people feel it. If he feels that way, then he will worry about having lost her, and not being able to have anyone else in his life...
Orrr... maybe he just loves her, and tries to move past the way she is....
Sometimes we take our friends problems on as our own because we care for our friend and their well-being. You will find peace in detaching from the situation. Not that you have to let your friend go, but this is really becoming an energy drain for you.
When our friend's eyes are closed to the reality there is nothing we can do to force him/her to see. We can offer love and support, but we cannot tell them what they should do. I think some boundaries would be helpful to you. You could say something like "Friend, I really love and care for you and I am concerned about your well being. Seeing you in this abusive relationship is very painful for me and I have to tell you that I am here for you as support, but I will have to limit myself from the situation."
Then it's highly important to clear yourself from this negative energy so that your mind doesn't start to think that this is your problem. The fact that you are posting about your friends issue is a sign that you have taken on the problem and you really don't need to do that. Clear your energy by writing and meditating.
You really can only be there for him when he realizes this relationship is not for him or anyone for that matter. He's not going to leave her because you tell him to. You're on the outside looking in so you see it differently. All you can do is tell him he deserves better but till he's ready you'll stay out of it and if he needs a friend you're there. Don't let his bad relationship depress you and run your life. I'd try to leave the area when he gets these calls or else can't he turn his phone off? If this is at work so often, how can he get these private calls without getting in trouble? Isn't there a boss who knows about those calls? It's not appropriate to do this personal stuff at work. I'd turn my phone off so I can't get her calls....Still, it's up to him to handle it. He's not a kid. I understand you're a good friend to him but is he a friend to you in all his turmoil?
Thank you for the replies. I guess my concern did cause me to take this personal, sadly I do not know how to take it less than personal when I see a friend being treated badly. I also appreciate the suggestion of asking him if we can discuss it vs. me saying I need to talk about something.
A lot to think about, thank you for helping me see aspects that I was unable to see.
I think I would approach him. Keep in mind it may or may not alter your friendship with him if you choose to do this. I think I would find a time and place where it was just us 2 and you had the time to speak (make sure his cell phone is shut off!). I'd would first tell him how much you value your friendship with him and the reason you are talking with him is because you care about him as a friend. I would then calmly explain the things you know to be facts and the things you observe. Explain that he is not even married to her yet and all of this is happening. Tell him you are worried for his future and how much worse this could get for him if he ever decides to marry her. It is a risk but at the same time it is very possible he "cannot see the forest through the trees", so to speak. It often helps if an outside party states their observations.
Dave: Your post was well-written and from the heart. Send him the link to this thread! There have been several times that I've looked back on the mistakes I've made in the past and wondered how differently things might have turned out had someone said,"Maybe you should think about this..." and quietly given me their viewpoint. Good luck - you sound like a very good friend. Cheers!
I have to agree with some of the statements here. The roughest part is knowing that he has blinders on and if you approach him.. he will more then likely get defensive, which will momentarily strain your relationship with him. You can always talk to him but realize, that this will strain your relationship due to the fact you really dont like his girlfriend.
This is a really tough one. Just be there for him through out this thing and when it finally happens (trust me.. it will happen) be there for him through the break up. Words of encouragement can go a long way.
You have already taken the first step, by posting on this forum!
Okay... this might seem a little sneaky to some but so what, it worked.
Years ago I had a similar problem. My roommate was seeing this self-absorbed, controlling a**hole and I knew she deserved better. I would make comments but she would defend him and say that he's not all that bad. Iwas afraid that if I said too much then she would become too defensive and our friendship would be in jeopardy.
i set about having just about every guy I knew "run into" us at different places or events, and they would act as though she was absolutely fascinating. After a couple weeks of this she started to feel more attractive and more self-assured and she was able to come to the conclusion on her own that men other than her boyfriend would find her appealing and she didn't have to put up with him because he was "the only one who wanted her". Within six months she was dating the guy that she wound up marrying.
Sometimes we take our friends problems on as our own because we care for our friend and their well-being. You will find peace in detaching from the situation. Not that you have to let your friend go, but this is really becoming an energy drain for you.
Then it's highly important to clear yourself from this negative energy so that your mind doesn't start to think that this is your problem. The fact that you are posting about your friends issue is a sign that you have taken on the problem and you really don't need to do that. Clear your energy by writing and meditating.
Take care, lot's of love and blessings to you
I wish someone would've given me this advice when my older sister was in her abusive relationship. I didn't realize that I'd taken this whole thing on personally and when I finally couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer and told her what I thought she stopped talking to me for 2 years. We're fine now, and much later she said that agreed with everything I said but she just didn't want to hear it. I'm sure the way I said it could've been much more understanding.
All, I can say is this is really good advice. We're all adults and we have to respect our loved ones choices, even if we can see disaster a mile away. Tell him what you think in the most tactful way you can and then let it go. He's grown, he's going to make his own decisions about his life.
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