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I will respond more fully to your post, but I wanted to get this out of the way: it's not a money transaction between my wife and this person. He is well-to-do. I have not personally benefited in any kind of financial way from her being with him. And I agree with you--that would be tacky and inappropriate.
To be specific, the guy provided her with a car. Signed it over to her and paid up the insurance for a year. This helped because we were having a difficult time with scheduling and transportation. She claims she never asks him for anything; he is just able to indulge her, and offers things. He also gave her several phones. As far as I know, he has never provided her with money.
Wow. She has really hit the jackpot. I mean, of all the men she could have "dallied" with ....
Oh snap, how did I miss the guy she is seeing is also married!!! Well I guess in the big scheme of things for her it doesn't matter, but I wonder if his wife is aware of this. Yeah again I feel bad for you OP, but this sounds really, REALLY messy!!!
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,671 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by Griffis
I will respond more fully to your post, but I wanted to get this out of the way: it's not a money transaction between my wife and this person. He is well-to-do. I have not personally benefited in any kind of financial way from her being with him. And I agree with you--that would be tacky and inappropriate.
To be specific, the guy provided her with a car. Signed it over to her and paid up the insurance for a year. This helped because we were having a difficult time with scheduling and transportation. She claims she never asks him for anything; he is just able to indulge her, and offers things. He also gave her several phones. As far as I know, he has never provided her with money.
Oh okay. Well, in another post, you said that you 'benefit' from her sleeping with this guy because he's well-off (or something to that effect). When you said that, it made it sound like he was giving her money and then she was giving it to you or applying it to the "marital" household in some way.
I believe deeply in human kindness, and try to spread joy where I go, but I am not without more than my share of flaws, believe me. If I was a woman, I wouldn't want to be with me either! This shouldn't be characterized as "Oh man, look what that b---- is doing to this super cool guy. Poor guy!" scenario. And I hope I haven't made it appear that way, or made it seem I feel that way.
At the same time, I believe I have been a good helpmate for my wife. We have rarely fought, I would never, ever be abusive, etc. I am caring towards her. I put her needs before mine, and I believe that is how it should be, because to have the love of a good woman is an honor and a privilege and a husband's job is to see after her needs and try to make her life easier. Fortunately, my wife is caring and giving too. There is a lot of mutual love, caring and giving between us, in both directions.
Yes, exactly this. This is what I think this is. Thank you for putting it so succinctly and eloquently. I think she has suppressed this, or not recognized it in herself, or known what to call it, but needs it (I always suspected this, actually. Felt she may be this way even in our first days together. It sure didn't make me less crazy about her. I am, still, crazy about her.
No, it's not. For one thing, I am pretty Alpha in the company of other males. Also, that sort of kink (and most kink) does not interest my wife. "Kink" per se really doesn't interest me much. I have less than zero interest in anything to do with males of any kind of sexual nature. It repulses me, in fact, though Id like to add that I am a real friend of the LGBT community, have many friends and some family members who are gay. I am not homophobic; there is just not a cell in my body that orients towards men and the idea of any involvement along these lines with them, even from a distance, is a turn off.
But I can see people viewing it this way. I care not.
No, it's not. I would never troll on here or any other public place to air my personal fetishes (unless it was on a "kinks" thread or something), and frankly my "interests" are pretty vanilla anyway. It is not in my nature to be dishonest or disrespectful, or to go online to get my rocks off. I'd like to think I am classier than that, or more mannerly.
I will say: I am submissive towards Females. I believe they are superior. I believe in chivalry, and service, and trying to make their lives better. For me, my adoration of women is very innocent and pure. I don't know how to say it other than I am eager to please and was born to be a caregiver/helper. It's what I've done the bulk of my professional life as well. Any sexual component of it, if even in the realm of possibilities in any given situation, is completely driven by Her and is completely secondary to just wanting to be good to Her and doing what she needs done.
I say this because you asked, and I placed that ridiculous ad, and I thought it might be helpful for people who are curious. I have never been personally involved in any BDSM or fetish scene. I've never had those experiences, but I know the subculture, and I know my own mind.
Obviously there are plenty of "subs" who have a different philosophy about being submissive to a Woman. I know many are thinking "Oh, I hope She spanks me and makes me kiss her butt!" and so on. To me, that's not submission, it's role play. A true sub is aware his needs and desires are immaterial.
It is not easy to talk about this. In this community, most people are still closeted. Or many are at least. I have to say it is embarrassing to talk about, or reveal about myself in a place like this, but hey--you don't know who I am or what I do. Plus, most people here seem very nice and cool.
PS-- ON EDIT:
I would like to add that, to my mind, being a male who is submissive to Women does not make that man weak, or effeminate. There is nothing wrong with effeminate males, but I consider myself a husky, manly guy and most looking at me or talking to me would think the same. I am still strong. I'm not trying to come off as macho, but nobody would take me for anything but a dude.
This is the problem right here. You're putting it up on a pedestal. Her **** stinks, same as yours. Girls don't respect guys that aren't the boss of the relationship.
They have to believe you can drop them like they're hot and keep it moving.
As I read this OP, I just can't hold back saying that this is the kind of stuff Crimes Of Passion are built on. DON'T actually do anything OP, but this is just how I feel. Maybe I shouldn't say it, but that's what I feel.
I'm sorry, but after reading this first paragraph, I couldn't get past the part of your sentence that I've highlighted in bold. Just so you know, I'm really trying to understand your way of thinking (and feeling) about what your wife is doing...but I'm having a hard time doing so. I mean, seriously, deep down...how do you really feel when you read that sentence? It's not even my situation, and I cringe when I read it...
You know, I have to say that this is so fresh it may be there is an element of "numb shock" going on in my head. I may not feel as mellow about all this in the upcoming days. I just don't know. As I said in the thread title--it feels unreal. It's off the map. I have heard one of "our songs" and broken down into tears over the last few days. But overall, I think I have been holding up okay. I mean, a person lives a lot of lives over the years they are given, or can. People grow and things change. I cannot see down the road, but what I can see, I still see us together. But if that is not to be, so be it. I believe the love will always be there.
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Can I ask why you think you could be okay with her having sex with another guy? I know you mentioned that you have ED, but, this is your wife we're talking about here. You both entered into this marriage with monogamous intentions. It's supposed to be for better or for worse, right? So, if you're unable to "fulfill her needs", why doesn't she just divorce you? She has already begun the process of separation by getting her own apartment that this other guy is paying for. She can't have an "open marriage" if she has already checked out of the marriage and is living somewhere else! You say she hasn't spent any time in her apartment yet; but, she will eventually. That's inevitable.
I don't wish to argue with you. I don't mean to. I acknowledge you may be completely right, but frankly, and I don't mean this to sound harsh, neither you nor I really know what is going on in my wife's head and heart.
I guess all I can say is I am "okay" with it because I am happy that she is happy and aside from the amount of time we spend together, nothing else about our marriage or relationship seems to have changed. For now, at least. I think, though it surprises me to say it, the idea of monogamy isn't that important to me, or as important as it once was. I'm no trying to rationalize; I am trying to honestly answer your questions. I am not solely of one mind about all this. My thoughts move in many directions, but--and I say this with all sincerity--I am not unhappy.
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I don't even think this transition or "open marriage" is about her sparing YOUR feelings as much as it's about making this easier on HERSELF. It's like, she's having her cake and eating it too...she gets to screw another guy, have her OWN place to live AND have her loving, devoted and faithful husband to drop in on anytime she feels like it. No matter what spin you put on this or how much you say she "loves" you, this just seems SO incredibly WRONG for her to do this - on SO many levels!!
I WANT things to be easier for her. I WANT her to do all she wants in life, pursue happiness, be involved in the world (after so long being shut away)...it sounds so strange, but I am excited for her. And I still feel like her partner, as she claims I always will be. I truly feel she will always come back to me. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I know her. We are straight with each other, and always have been. I don't believe she's lying to me. About anything. Though again, I realize her feelings might change, as could mine.
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Why would you want to stay married to a woman who claims to love you but wants to have sex with another guy WHILE *still* being married to you AND living somewhere else? I mean, what are you getting out of this arrangement (besides getting some of that guys money, which I think is tacky and inappropriate)? Having a wife in name only? What possible good can come from all this (besides HER happiness and sexual fulfillment)?
I want to stay married because she is my wife and the only woman I have ever loved in this way. She is my best friend, my partner, my special human. And I am hers. I don't think this is destined to change or dissolve just because there are other layers of things happening now. I sometimes feel like I am observing this whole thing from outside, like watching a drama unfold, but it isn't as dramatic as all that.
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No, I'm not really doing well at the present time. Yeah, I'm going through something really sucky right now. But, at least I know where I'm headed and that I'm NOT going to put up with his behavior towards me indefinitely. I know the relationship needs to end, and I'm taking steps towards achieving that goal. I think that's what YOU should start doing - seeing your situation for what it REALLY is...and taking steps to protect your heart and your self-respect; but that's just my opinion.
I hope you don't take anything I've said here in the wrong way; I didn't write this post because I'm slamming you or anything...I'm just really trying to wrap my head around all this...and, I just can't!!
Ha--I don't think I have fully wrapped my head around it either! I am sorry you are going through what you are going through as well. You seem like a kind and cool person. Don't feel bad about saying anything to me. This is a discussion and you are an expressing an opinion. I appreciate it, honestly. It is good to get other perspectives and I really feel like making friends right now, for obvious reasons.
This is the problem right here. You're putting it up on a pedestal. Her **** stinks, same as yours. Girls don't respect guys that aren't the boss of the relationship.
They have to believe you can drop them like they're hot and keep it moving.
Not every relationship is (or needs to be) the "me Tarzan, you Jane" variety. There is such a thing as an open relationship and ethical non-monogamy. Some couples actually do prefer to live apart. That might not be the path that OP and his wife are following exaclty, and what's going on might not work, but if they're both content and communicating, all isn't lost yet.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,671 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raptor76
Oh snap, how did I miss the guy she is seeing is also married!!! Well I guess in the big scheme of things for her it doesn't matter, but I wonder if his wife is aware of this. Yeah again I feel bad for you OP, but this sounds really, REALLY messy!!!
I don't mean to temporarily hijack the OP's thread, but I was just wondering...has anyone ever told you that you resemble Steve Harvey?
Oh snap, how did I miss the guy she is seeing is also married!!! Well I guess in the big scheme of things for her it doesn't matter, but I wonder if his wife is aware of this. Yeah again I feel bad for you OP, but this sounds really, REALLY messy!!!
As I understand it, his wife is not aware. They've been married 24 years and just bought a house.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17
Oh okay. Well, in another post, you said that you 'benefit' from her sleeping with this guy because he's well-off (or something to that effect). When you said that, it made it sound like he was giving her money and then she was giving it to you or applying it to the "marital" household in some way.
You are right--I was not clear in what I said. Now looking back, before I did clarify some things I'm thinking people must have been like "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!" I mean, it's an odd enough situation anyway, or would be for most couples. It is for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jobster
This is the problem right here. You're putting it up on a pedestal. Her **** stinks, same as yours. Girls don't respect guys that aren't the boss of the relationship.
They have to believe you can drop them like they're hot and keep it moving.
Not all Women are the same, jobster. They aren't one homogeneous entity with a hive mind; they are individuals. They are our mothers, sisters, daughters, and mates. To me, they just happen to be the Crown of Creation.
I know most women would find absolutely nothing appealing about a guy like me. I'm not much to look at, I have never brought down a great deal of money (although I am educated and have always been a hard worker), I think in my striving to please, I can get to be annoying. I am not a catch, and I know that.
I agree that perhaps most Women and most people looking at me from outside would just think I'm a loser, weakling, pushover, whatever. I couldn't care less. I refuse to succumb to fear or shame, especially over what comes naturally to me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.
I can only be myself. I will not pretend to be anything else. I do not "have" to be behaving like a submissive to be with a Woman. I have perfectly natural sexual drives.
But all I can do is be myself, and maybe at some point someone special will come along who sees in me someone they would like to spend time with.
Not every relationship is (or needs to be) the "me Tarzan, you Jane" variety. There is such a thing as an open relationship and ethical non-monogamy. Some couples actually do prefer to live apart. That might not be the path that OP and his wife are following exaclty, and what's going on might not work, but if they're both content and communicating, all isn't lost yet.
Thank you! See, this is my thinking as well. I just figure...we have 21 wonderful years together. I think we can be adult about this.
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I mean, of all the men she could have "dallied" with ....
But, at least I know where I'm headed and that I'm NOT going to put up with his behavior towards me indefinitely. I know the relationship needs to end, and I'm taking steps towards achieving that goal. I think that's what YOU should start doing - seeing your situation for what it REALLY is...and taking steps to protect your heart and your self-respect; but that's just my opinion. 
