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She now splits time between her new apartment and her marital home. Eventually she'll spend less and less time at home and more time away which leaves the OP hanging with no clear resolution. Frankly what he needs to do is find a good lawyer and move on with his life. She's checked out and thinking only of herself and at this point so should he.
I would agree that is likely if OP's wife were a monogamous person. It does seem like most people are. But, not everyone is monogamous. Some prefer polyamory. It sounds to me that OP's wife is possibly polyamorous and is wanting to explore that, possibly for the first time.
I was thinking all of these exact same things...and I'm interested to see how the OP is going to respond to this. It's like, he has so much love, trust and understanding for his wife, that he seems to be blind to what's really happening here... and this is just my opinion; I mean, I could be wrong....but, I doubt it.
The OP is a great bloke and yes I've got my fingers crossed for him
Oh hell, I don't know what to call it. "Cheating" doesn't seem right, because it's pretty out in the open. "Open marriage" seems most appropriate, but within that, wouldn't activities with other people still be called "affairs?"
I don't know. I'm not too hung up on what may or may not be the proper glossary definitions for all this.
It sounds to me like a secondary relationship. You of course should call it whatever you like.
I fully support consensual and ethical non-monogamy. You do you. Just keep lines of communication open. I have many friends who are in non-monogamous relationships and marriages. It works for some couples, often those wired for it, and not others.
Yeah. It's great. Unless only one person wants it.
But she is having trouble transitioning from spending time with him and coming straight home.
...
Because the man is wealthy, he is willing to put her up in a small apartment and (according to her) she does not want him to visit her there either. Rather, they will continue to use hotel rooms, etc.
My Bullsh*t Meter is pegged, and the well just exploded.
I couldn't agree more. OP seems like an incredibly caring and decent person who is still very much in love with his wife. I hope things work out but I'm not as optimistic as he is.
I believe deeply in human kindness, and try to spread joy where I go, but I am not without more than my share of flaws, believe me. If I was a woman, I wouldn't want to be with me either! This shouldn't be characterized as "Oh man, look what that b---- is doing to this super cool guy. Poor guy!" scenario. And I hope I haven't made it appear that way, or made it seem I feel that way.
At the same time, I believe I have been a good helpmate for my wife. We have rarely fought, I would never, ever be abusive, etc. I am caring towards her. I put her needs before mine, and I believe that is how it should be, because to have the love of a good woman is an honor and a privilege and a husband's job is to see after her needs and try to make her life easier. Fortunately, my wife is caring and giving too. There is a lot of mutual love, caring and giving between us, in both directions.
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Originally Posted by Petunia 100
I would agree that is likely if OP's wife were a monogamous person. It does seem like most people are. But, not everyone is monogamous. Some prefer polyamory. It sounds to me that OP's wife is possibly polyamorous and is wanting to explore that, possibly for the first time.
Yes, exactly this. This is what I think this is. Thank you for putting it so succinctly and eloquently. I think she has suppressed this, or not recognized it in herself, or known what to call it, but needs it (I always suspected this, actually. Felt she may be this way even in our first days together. It sure didn't make me less crazy about her. I am, still, crazy about her.
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
OP, I have to ask this since you brought up the fetish aspect.
Keeping in mind that this forum is PG-13, where does cuckolding fall in this scenario? Is that a possibility?
No, it's not. For one thing, I am pretty Alpha in the company of other males. Also, that sort of kink (and most kink) does not interest my wife. "Kink" per se really doesn't interest me much. I have less than zero interest in anything to do with males of any kind of sexual nature. It repulses me, in fact, though Id like to add that I am a real friend of the LGBT community, have many friends and some family members who are gay. I am not homophobic; there is just not a cell in my body that orients towards men and the idea of any involvement along these lines with them, even from a distance, is a turn off.
But I can see people viewing it this way. I care not.
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Is this thread part of that thrill for you? I need to know before I spend any more time offering advice or support.
No, it's not. I would never troll on here or any other public place to air my personal fetishes (unless it was on a "kinks" thread or something), and frankly my "interests" are pretty vanilla anyway. It is not in my nature to be dishonest or disrespectful, or to go online to get my rocks off. I'd like to think I am classier than that, or more mannerly.
I will say: I am submissive towards Females. I believe they are superior. I believe in chivalry, and service, and trying to make their lives better. For me, my adoration of women is very innocent and pure. I don't know how to say it other than I am eager to please and was born to be a caregiver/helper. It's what I've done the bulk of my professional life as well. Any sexual component of it, if even in the realm of possibilities in any given situation, is completely driven by Her and is completely secondary to just wanting to be good to Her and doing what she needs done.
I say this because you asked, and I placed that ridiculous ad, and I thought it might be helpful for people who are curious. I have never been personally involved in any BDSM or fetish scene. I've never had those experiences, but I know the subculture, and I know my own mind.
Obviously there are plenty of "subs" who have a different philosophy about being submissive to a Woman. I know many are thinking "Oh, I hope She spanks me and makes me kiss her butt!" and so on. To me, that's not submission, it's role play. A true sub is aware his needs and desires are immaterial.
It is not easy to talk about this. In this community, most people are still closeted. Or many are at least. I have to say it is embarrassing to talk about, or reveal about myself in a place like this, but hey--you don't know who I am or what I do. Plus, most people here seem very nice and cool.
PS-- ON EDIT:
I would like to add that, to my mind, being a male who is submissive to Women does not make that man weak, or effeminate. There is nothing wrong with effeminate males, but I consider myself a husky, manly guy and most looking at me or talking to me would think the same. I am still strong. I'm not trying to come off as macho, but nobody would take me for anything but a dude.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
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Originally Posted by Griffis
You certainly have a point, Miss April. I should mention, though--my wife got this apartment 2 or 3 days back. She took some stuff over there, but she has not spent one night there as yet. She has been home with me every night since, and things have been great. She IS going away with the other man this weekend, but I admit, I don't really know what she's feeling. When I started this thread, I thought I would be left alone without her starting that night and moving forward. Maybe the idea that she needed or really wanted a "safe haven" is something she's begun to rethink. We haven't had time to discuss it the last couple of days.
Weird, I know.
I'm sorry, but after reading this first paragraph, I couldn't get past the part of your sentence that I've highlighted in bold. Just so you know, I'm really trying to understand your way of thinking (and feeling) about what your wife is doing...but I'm having a hard time doing so. I mean, seriously, deep down...how do you really feel when you read that sentence? It's not even my situation, and I cringe when I read it...
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It is difficult to explain the dynamic in our relationship, or indeed, my relationship with women in general. I am not the sort of guy who makes demands or gives ultimatums.
However, I am also not a doormat. When it first came up that she was seriously considering having an affair, she asked how I would react. I told her I had no way of knowing. I told her I thought I could be okay with it, but there was a chance I would want "us" to be over, or that I might even just disappear. And disappearing is something I could and would absolutely do tomorrow, should I decide I can't handle this.
Can I ask why you think you could be okay with her having sex with another guy? I know you mentioned that you have ED, but, this is your wife we're talking about here. You both entered into this marriage with monogamous intentions. It's supposed to be for better or for worse, right? So, if you're unable to "fulfill her needs", why doesn't she just divorce you? She has already begun the process of separation by getting her own apartment that this other guy is paying for. She can't have an "open marriage" if she has already checked out of the marriage and is living somewhere else! You say she hasn't spent any time in her apartment yet; but, she will eventually. That's inevitable.
I don't even think this transition or "open marriage" is about her sparing YOUR feelings as much as it's about making this easier on HERSELF. It's like, she's having her cake and eating it too...she gets to screw another guy, have her OWN place to live AND have her loving, devoted and faithful husband to drop in on anytime she feels like it. No matter what spin you put on this or how much you say she "loves" you, this just seems SO incredibly WRONG for her to do this - on SO many levels!!
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At the same time, I have no plans to ever divorce my wife, and if she ended up filing (which I doubt will ever happen), I will contest it. Whatever happens, at this point in the evolution of things, we have both stated that we are Husband and Wife, and don't expect that to ever change. We may end up living in different states from each other at some point for all I know, but as far as we're concerned right now, she is my wife and I am her husband, forever.
Of course if everything else that makes a marriage a marriage disintegrates or vanishes, simply referring to yourself as husband and wife is pretty meaningless. To me, that is not where we are, or even where we are headed.
I have no expectation or inclination to think I will ever even consider filing for divorce from her. Only if she told me being legally bound that way was preventing her from moving forward or from being happy. And that could happen, but I feel pretty certain it won't.
Why would you want to stay married to a woman who claims to love you but wants to have sex with another guy WHILE *still* being married to you AND living somewhere else? I mean, what are you getting out of this arrangement (besides getting some of that guys money, which I think is tacky and inappropriate)? Having a wife in name only? What possible good can come from all this (besides HER happiness and sexual fulfillment)?
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I am not sure "fixing" is a word I would use, but I think I understand what you are saying, and I appreciate your thoughts on it. I truly do.
I see that you are also having a difficult time, and I am sorry to hear it. I'm not ashamed to say I am a very sentimental man, and sensitive in many ways, or aspects of my life. It hurts me to hear about other people hurting. I hope you are well. You are likely far stronger than you know.
No, I'm not really doing well at the present time. Yeah, I'm going through something really sucky right now. But, at least I know where I'm headed and that I'm NOT going to put up with his behavior towards me indefinitely. I know the relationship needs to end, and I'm taking steps towards achieving that goal. I think that's what YOU should start doing - seeing your situation for what it REALLY is...and taking steps to protect your heart and your self-respect; but that's just my opinion.
I hope you don't take anything I've said here in the wrong way; I didn't write this post because I'm slamming you or anything...I'm just really trying to wrap my head around all this...and, I just can't!!
...what are you getting out of this arrangement (besides getting some of that guys money, which I think is tacky and inappropriate)?
I will respond more fully to your post, but I wanted to get this out of the way: it's not a money transaction between my wife and this person. He is well-to-do. I have not personally benefited in any kind of financial way from her being with him. And I agree with you--that would be tacky and inappropriate.
To be specific, the guy provided her with a car. Signed it over to her and paid up the insurance for a year. This helped because we were having a difficult time with scheduling and transportation. She claims she never asks him for anything; he is just able to indulge her, and offers things. He also gave her several phones. As far as I know, he has never provided her with money.
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But, at least I know where I'm headed and that I'm NOT going to put up with his behavior towards me indefinitely. I know the relationship needs to end, and I'm taking steps towards achieving that goal. I think that's what YOU should start doing - seeing your situation for what it REALLY is...and taking steps to protect your heart and your self-respect; but that's just my opinion. 
