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Patience is a virtue, or so I'm told. Maya Angelou has also said that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I have been with my significant other for over 5 years. We have lived together for 4, and own a house. I could almost see it on the horizon: two failed marriages for him, two for me. Health problems for both of us (nothing monumental) and two teenage children--both with their own sets of issues. We dove in head first, absolutely sure that we had met the person of our dreams!
I had actually hesitated dating him...he wasn't my usual "type." But, he won me over
Fast forward to the last month. A home renovation had begun in January; hard work and added stress had been building up. My partner had made several requests of me and my son to help out with the reno, and I didn't move fast enough on the requests. Intimacy had been, um, lacking as well....but we were still affectionate towards each other. We had a big argument that stemmed from one of our cats eliminating into the carpet and some clothing of his (yes! gross! and it had been one of the requests that he had made: find foster care for the cats while the reno was going on.) He completely lost his mind, and said that "he is not capable of sustaining a relationship anymore" and that I should probably move out, since the house is in his name He said that he has too much resentment and anger built up to be able to get over it.
Now, the next day? Mr Happy Pants, nice guy....almost as if a burden had been lifted. The weekend consisted of us both working on the house, during which he called me "honey" 3-4 times, and reciprocated a hug I gave him. He had stated at one point that I "just don't seem to get it" that he's through with this relationship. If that's the case, then why eat dinner with me? Why call me "momma" and sit with me to watch TV? Then he turns around the next morning and leaves without saying goodbye, and would not return a text I sent him. Nothing.
I am confused and hurt. Resentment is something that only he can fix, I can't. I have apologized for not making him and the house and our relationship a priority. I am trying not to appear needy and clingy, which is nothing short of annoying. I AM looking for rentals, but I don't want to leave this house that I have worked so hard to make a home! please help me...any advice is more than welcome
He gave you the strongest signal imaginable when he moved you and your children into his home and offered you zero security by not putting your name on the deed.
Another great benefit of living together as a family without marriage.
Time to start looking out for you and your dependents' legal interests.
He gave you the strongest signal imaginable when he moved you and your children into his home and offered you zero security by not putting your name on the deed.
Another great benefit of living together as a family without marriage.
Time to start looking out for you and your dependents' legal interests.
I am guessing after a few failed marriages they are just shy tying the knot once again.
I think we need more info on this one to judge.
Maybe he pays the mortgage? Why should he put her on the deed?
I am guessing after a few failed marriages they are just shy tying the knot once again.
I think we need more info on this one to judge.
Maybe he pays the mortgage? Why should he put her on the deed?
Again, more info is needed.
Maybe you would feel secure having someone you are not married to providing the roof over your head...I wouldn't. I pay my way and secure my assets because you can't count on other people to support you perpetually.
Maybe you would feel secure having someone you are not married to providing the roof over your head...I wouldn't. I pay my way and secure my assets because you can't count on other people to support you perpetually.
of course not. But I don't have two kids. I rather pay and have rights.
Again - we need more info. Maybe she stays there for free. Why would you put someone on the deed who doesn't want to / cannot pay their share?
I wouldn't just marry someone with two kids or put them on the deed. The OPs bf has his own kids to worry about. It would be interesting to hear his side
Well...I sure wouldn't be helping with the house he wants to kick me out of anymore. That's for dam sure.
He wanted to kick them out AFTER they refused to help with the renovations. If you have somebody and their kids staying for free - wouldn't you expect from them to at least help out?
Hey....yes, I pay half of everything. The mortgage, the bills, groceries, everything. Our children do not live with us (his daughter lives with her mom, he pays CS; my son is staying with his dad.) We got a better interest rate on the mortgage using just his name (he has near perfect credit--in the 800's) and if I had entered my name into the mix, it would have brought the credit score down, etc.
I do yard work, house work, laundry, cooking, blah blah blah...you name it....plus I have a full time job. I'm not a slacker, I promise. I don't expect ANYONE to put a roof over my head; I used to own my own home years ago. My dilemma is in the mixed signals: honey this, honey that....then the silent treatment the next day. What gives???
OP, do you have proof of your contribution to house payments? Cancelled checks, bank statement, anything? if so, let him know that he owes you a large reimbursement if you move out.
How did the situation get to this point? He's been stressed out because of the relationship you say; we need more information. Have you to discussed whatever these issues are, and tried to resolve them? If not, why not?
Tell him you're getting mixed signals from him--on again, off again, one day--the boot, hours later, warm and fuzzy cuddles. Tell him what you told us; that this is confusing, and you need the REAL Mr. Significant Other to please stand up, and tell you what he wants, if he knows what he truly wants. We can't tell you "what gives". Only he can. Ask him.
If you haven't made the relationship a priority all these years, what have you made a priority? Why wouldn't your relationship be a priority to you?
I have told him about the mixed signals. I called him out on the "honey" thing: he said that "it was just habit!" In all honesty, I have no idea how this situation got this bad, this quick. All of this tension, arguing, upset, and blowup happened *boom* in the last 2-3 weeks. Apparently, I was living in la-la land, according to everything that came spilling out of his mouth. He is very much an introvert; I am the opposite. He bottles things up.
From his perspective, everything else has been a priority, and nothing that he has said or done has meant nothing (read: lack of respect.) I have disagreed with him about certain fundamental things regarding my son, but instead of sitting me down and negotiating or talking me through some things, he shuts down and internalizes his feelings instead--and I am left utterly clueless to how he truly feels about the situation.
I want to talk with him, but I am afraid of another argument or yell-fest.
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He said that he has too much resentment and anger built up to be able to get over it. 
