Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So, I have been with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. I love him to bits: he's kind, funny, and he loves me to bits too. The problem is that he is 30 and doesn't have a stable job. He currently lives at home with his dad (which is truly fine by me--in my culture, it's totally normal) to whom he does pay rent so he has some semblance of responsibility but... I don't know. What work he does do is thanks to me--I've gotten him work in my industry and showed him "the ropes." To be fair, he's gotten two big projects but he doesn't seem to have the drive to earn more and would prefer the work come to him. The two big projects totaled about $12,000 so for all intents and purposes that is what his income hovers around. When we met he was working front desk in a hotel but the company downsized and he was let go (not due to performance--he was actually a great employee).
I'm 28 and I work very hard. I earn my own money and have my own business which I am tirelessly working towards growing (and things have been going great for the most part). I have savings and I am always thinking of how I can better myself. I'm also in school full time in order to do that. My partner went to college for one year and find he didn't like it (that's fine too--I went to school for two years from the ages of 18-20 and dropped out to do the whole "finding myself" thing; during that time I started freelancing and was still able to pay for myself while living by myself in a foreign country).
But he's not really doing anything. He's not taking a vocational course, he's not working outside the house, he's not looking for other freelance jobs, etc. It pains me to say it but I have the sneaking suspicion that he would like to be a house husband which honestly I am fine with much later down the road, but I'm about to go to law school next year and I NEED someone to help with household expenses if we were to move in together. It's a non-negotiable. I need to be able to depend on him because I will have to cut back the hours of my own business. I get excellent grades and I have the suspicion that he thinks since I may potentially be earning a lot of money with my own business and my degree (whether he is correct or not), that he doesn't need to work as hard.
I love him to death but I feel like I may need to break up with him. I've brought this up before and we always fight about it--he says he is looking for more freelancing work and he wants to concentrate on growing that rather than getting an outside, stable job. I don't want to carry our entire relationship financially even though I recognize that not everyone is money driven and that's okay. But I come from a very high cost of living city and I need someone to contribute if we were to move in together. When we first started dating I gave him a year to find a better paying, stable job and he didn't do that because freelance jobs started to trickle in... but I can't live with a man who only earns $12,000 a year. I just can't.
What should I do? Should I just concentrate on being the breadwinner for the sake of our relationship?
You should never do anything for the "sake of". Ten years from now you may be in the same position and decide to stay with him for the "sake of" the children. This obviously bothers you greatly. Work doesn't come to anyone. You need to go get it. Doesn't sound like he's interested in doing that. And why should he if he has someone as ambitious as you? He can certainly get a stable job and look for more freelancing on the side. Good luck with whatever you decide.
In divorce, you choose either money or love. You made your own mind already. Love have to be stonger than the power of money before that is love in that level which is worth to experience.
If "love conquered all", you wouldn't be here asking the question, now, would you? You'd be making it work, because you wouldn't be thinking twice about it, this is what you'd have to do in order to be with the man you loved.
But you DID ask the question. :-) That, right there, tells you that you are not in a relationship with someone you respect. Your post drips of it. OP, that's not a bad thing -- the only bad thing there is allowing this to drift for three years while your boyfriend "finds" himself. He's 30, living with Dad, making no money, with a girlfriend who probably pays for 90% of the stuff you guys do together. Such a deal, right?
He has run out of time to "find himself." Most people figure out a way to find themselves while actually being an adult, working and earning money to feed, clothe and house themselves. He's not doing that.
Get out now while you still like him -- the way this is going, you're going to end up hating him for his laissez-faire attitude, and he's going to make you crazy wondering why you spend so much time on school, work, etc.
Don't move in with him. He may not be a reliable bill-payer. Where are your parents? Can you move in with them, while you go to law school?
What is his spending style? When he has money, does he go on a spree, and buy stuff for himself? Or does he manage it well, and budget it out for months ahead? Before you raised the issue with him, back in the first year or so of the relationship, did he ever express any ambitions or plans for his future? If so, what were they? Would he be amenable to getting a full-time front-desk hotel job while you're in law school?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
