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So, i went thru a pretty steep depression last year. Part of what caused it go get as bad as it did, was that i forced relatonships/dating with often toxic partners. My confidence got worse, and my selection fo who i dated got worse. And my reactions to these situations got worse until i more or less took a full year of dating.
I have been on two dates in the past 13 months since this all occured. and i just have more or less given up on dating due to anxiety
The situations
1) Went out with this 25 year old woman who was a bit insecure about herself having gained weight or just poor self image. Everytime in bed, she would freak out if i wasnt immediately hard. and this actually caused me to start having erection issues as i got nervous.
anyways, the last time she was condescendign about it. went on and on about how nervous i was around her.
so i ended things with. she told me that i broke her heart. i guess alot of this relationship was built on me trying to help her, so blew up her phone and humiliated myself trying to fix it.
She texted me the week after to get back together, then flaked on me and said sex is too important to her to date a man who couldnt have sex even though sheknows it wasnt my fault.
I more or less told her that was a really petty thing to do and blocked her.
Her friends have sent me a few messages on okcupid or instagram makign fun of me for having a limp dick
2) I did this one more so to myself.
I was casually seein this 30 year old woman. I told her that I wanted to see her more reguarly and i thought things were going well and i really liked her. after seeing her irreguarly over a few months.
she told me she liked me alot too and wanted to progress things. but was dealing with health problems so she couldnt really promise on hanging out more.
found out she had a boyfriend. and she was more or less playing games with me to get a rise out of me to how excited/disappointed id get.
told her off quite harshly.
3) Throught that entire year, i was seeing this woman who was 44. However, it was like a continual game of cat and mouse. She would more or less talk to me like we were together. But, wouldnt make anytime for me until i started to drift. She would also get all hurt and emotional when i drifted or id try'ed to set boundaries on how dodgey she was with her time.
It got to the point where I just ignored her for 3-4 months. She continuaously texted me and i didnt respond. I finally gave in and went out with her again a few times. then she started doing the same ****. so i ginroed her. then she kept texting me
so i told her off
4) I was asked out by number 3's clone. this 30 year old woman. She would always text me about hanging out, but she was dodgey about it too. Except with her, if id tried to pin her down or i ignored her.
she would tell me that i just wanted sex and thats why i was so pushy. or how me not texting her enough proves it.
when she started acting like this, i cut this one quick. and told her off.
at this point i have taken nearly a year off a dating
Why I have anxiety?
For example the first one, i feel pathetic sending a ton of text trying to fix things when she said i broke her heart. Then her and her friends sent all these text making fun of me for having a limp dick in the months following.
Despite the fact , im the least confrontantional person of all time, the fact that i lashed out and humilaited myself in these situations is eating me up. im afraid other people will find out how i acted or i will meet a woman one day and one of these situations will ruin it.
Its been more or less a year, been doing therapy regualry, but terrified to get back into the game
Keep it up, but make sure you're seeing progress. Change therapists if you feel you're just spinning your wheels.
The best news is that you recognize that these relationships were not healthy and got out of those situations. SO there is a healthy part of you that is very much at work. But it sounds like you do still need help with self-esteem and moderating your emotions.
Have you been making yourself get out into social situations, or have you been isolating yourself?
It seems like you put up with negative behavior for far too long. How does one get get to the point of: "Every time we are in bed she freaks out."? I think I would only have one time of somebody freaking out on me in bed before I let them know this wasn't going to work .
Trust your instincts, if something doesn't seem right or makes you unhappy don't continue to put up with it.
Nothing justifies blowing up at somebody to break up with them either. You can rationally tell them that it isn't working out and then just walk away.
Until you're ready to decipher when someone isn't right for you, or not lose it one day and break up with them, continue with your therapy.
A year off of dating really isn't that long, if jumping back into it to be miserable is what you're going to get.
Keep it up, but make sure you're seeing progress. Change therapists if you feel you're just spinning your wheels.
The best news is that you recognize that these relationships were not healthy and got out of those situations. SO there is a healthy part of you that is very much at work. But it sounds like you do still need help with self-esteem and moderating your emotions.
Have you been making yourself get out into social situations, or have you been isolating yourself?
ive more or less isolated myself in typical social sitautions...bars, gathererings, meetups, dates, etc.
The way ive been social is fitness classes and ive also started traveling alone where ill do something like fly to miami and just explore the city.
It seems like you put up with negative behavior for far too long. How does one get get to the point of: "Every time we are in bed she freaks out."? I think I would only have one time of somebody freaking out on me in bed before I let them know this wasn't going to work .
Trust your instincts, if something doesn't seem right or makes you unhappy don't continue to put up with it.
Nothing justifies blowing up at somebody to break up with them either. You can rationally tell them that it isn't working out and then just walk away.
Until you're ready to decipher when someone isn't right for you, or not lose it one day and break up with them, continue with your therapy.
A year off of dating really isn't that long, if jumping back into it to be miserable is what you're going to get.
well, like the blowing up, it wasnt like a sudden snapping in any of those situations.
the one girl stood me up, sent me all of these condescending text putting me down as not being a man in bed, then her friends reached out a few times to make fun of my penis. there was alot of prodding
the one 44 year old who strung me on. I politely ended it. all i said is that i think its ****ed up that she is playing games and telling someone she more or less loves them for attention. and to never contact me again. she continually reached out to me via text then social media platforms professing love while triyng to win me back. all the while she was clearly dating some guy on the same social media platforms she messaged me on. so i told her off then.
while i know i shouldnt of done it. it wasnt all that impulsive. it was being prodded and prodded after i told them to leave me alone over months.
the only impuslive thing i really did was desperately text the one girl who said i broke her heart trying to fix things
It seems like you put up with negative behavior for far too long. How does one get get to the point of: "Every time we are in bed she freaks out."? I think I would only have one time of somebody freaking out on me in bed before I let them know this wasn't going to work .
Trust your instincts, if something doesn't seem right or makes you unhappy don't continue to put up with it.
Nothing justifies blowing up at somebody to break up with them either. You can rationally tell them that it isn't working out and then just walk away.
Until you're ready to decipher when someone isn't right for you, or not lose it one day and break up with them, continue with your therapy.
A year off of dating really isn't that long, if jumping back into it to be miserable is what you're going to get.
as for freaking out, the girl had bad anxiety, plus she had gained alot of weight prior to us dating. like alot.
the weight gain didnt obviously bother me as i started dating her after, but i was trying to be understanding that she may have some insecurities from the weight fluctuation.
Their issues really don't matter, not REALLY. That's not the thing you need to be concerned about because you aren't responsible for and cannot "fix" their problems.
Keep going to therapy, and try to involve yourself in some activities with other people. Other NICE, educated people.
If you like to travel, there are travel meetups so you can go with a group:
Keep going to therapy, and try to involve yourself in some activities with other people. Other NICE, educated people.
Right!?
Nice and Educated.
I mean seriously... would somebody be making disparaging remarks about your vagina, and then be so psychotic as to tell their friends weird things, who then begin taunting you on social media about how it's just not a good vagina?
How long do you think you would be reading those comments and get to the boiling point? There is no boiling point!
Don't engage! Its insane. Somebody says something once you decide they're mentally ill, and chuckle to yourself when you block them from, and remove them from memory.
Right!?
Nice and Educated.
I mean seriously... would somebody be making disparaging remarks about your vagina, and then be so psychotic as to tell their friends weird things, who then begin taunting you on social media about how it's just not a good vagina?
How long do you think you would be reading those comments and get to the boiling point? There is no boiling point!
Don't engage! Its insane. Somebody says something once you decide they're mentally ill, and chuckle to yourself when you block them from, and remove them from memory.
OP: Ask your therapist to help you Pick Better!
that whole situation was a confidence crusher. and really trickled down to alot of my other interactions with women.
she freaked out during sex and wanted to keep waiting. but she wanted to hang out all the time and progress our relationship fast. spent a ton on me, linked us all over social media, was super caring and attentive.
so, i was supportive about the sex thing. and kind of took responsibility for it.
then she lashed out. then she acted heart broken during the break up. then she acted really petty. and her friends and her have contiued to act petty.
oh and she had a **** buddy the whole time after pushing to be exclusive and together on social media super fast.
so, that one is more of a trickle down that causes anger on the rest. as i dont understand why she would want to progress things in all aspects and invest os much, but push sex off. If she didnt want to have sex, investing so much seems silly. she spent alot on me, needlessly. i had to more or less jump on the check to pay for a date whichi normally like doing in a relationship
if she was sleeping with someone else, why act heart broken when i ended things?
and why be so nasty and cruel like i did bad things when you were just sleeping with someone else the whole time and didnt give a ****
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