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After sadly having another friend tell me she is divorcing this week, I thought about what I've learned about marriage. My list is not the be all end all, but these six things have been the big ones that I've seen bust up the marriages of my friends over the years.
Children or not. Biggest issue.
Free-time/financial priorities. For example, work long hours for material comforts or work enough to pay the bills to have lots of free time.
Family that comes first. Family of origin (mom, dad, siblings) or spouse and children.
Finances. Spendthrift or saver.
Religion. This is a big one few couples talk about.
Conflict resolution. Fighter or compromiser.
Ending a relationship with someone we care about is so hard and so sad. But, ending a marriage that started with little foundation is tragic, especially when children are involved. My two cents.
Are you saying these are people who are already married who do not agree on whether or not to have children? That is amazing to me. IDK how you get that far without having that question settled.
In my experience with marriage, it is just a huge adjustment that will magnify any problems you had before getting married.
And it's not always possible to prepare for those conflicts. Yes, conflict resolution is very important, as is the fact that you can't put your own needs and wants first.
Are you saying these are people who are already married who do not agree on whether or not to have children? That is amazing to me. IDK how you get that far without having that question settled.
In my experience with marriage, it is just a huge adjustment that will magnify any problems you had before getting married.
And it's not always possible to prepare for those conflicts. Yes, conflict resolution is very important, as is the fact that you can't put your own needs and wants first.
This comes up in second marriages usually, but not always. One or the other want a child(ren) and the other doesn't. People change their minds or aren't honest about wanting children.
I disagree that "you can't put your own needs and wants first". Taking turns with needs and wants is the key, in my opinion.
After sadly having another friend tell me she is divorcing this week, I thought about what I've learned about marriage. My list is not the be all end all, but these six things have been the big ones that I've seen bust up the marriages of my friends over the years.
Children or not. Biggest issue.
Free-time/financial priorities. For example, work long hours for material comforts or work enough to pay the bills to have lots of free time.
Family that comes first. Family of origin (mom, dad, siblings) or spouse and children.
Finances. Spendthrift or saver.
Religion. This is a big one few couples talk about.
Conflict resolution. Fighter or compromiser.
Ending a relationship with someone we care about is so hard and so sad. But, ending a marriage that started with little foundation is tragic, especially when children are involved. My two cents.
Religion often isn't talked about because it suddenly can get important once you have kids...suddenly non-practicers get religion...that one can be a tough one to anticipate.
As for the other non-kid issues, you can typically ferret them out pretty quickly if you're at all observant while dating - but yes, these are the biggies.
After sadly having another friend tell me she is divorcing this week, I thought about what I've learned about marriage. My list is not the be all end all, but these six things have been the big ones that I've seen bust up the marriages of my friends over the years.
Children or not. Biggest issue.
Free-time/financial priorities. For example, work long hours for material comforts or work enough to pay the bills to have lots of free time.
Family that comes first. Family of origin (mom, dad, siblings) or spouse and children.
Finances. Spendthrift or saver.
Religion. This is a big one few couples talk about.
Conflict resolution. Fighter or compromiser.
Ending a relationship with someone we care about is so hard and so sad. But, ending a marriage that started with little foundation is tragic, especially when children are involved. My two cents.
So your news flash is to marry someone you're compatible with? Thanks!
I disagree that "you can't put your own needs and wants first". Taking turns with needs and wants is the key, in my opinion.
You can "take turns" in times of stress, certainly.
But on a daily basis, the assumption has to be that you consider your spouse BEFORE you consider your own desires or you will fall prey to the actual worst enemy of marriage which, IMHO, is apathy. When you get married and put yourself on cruise control with your spouse, you are letting selfish concerns (what's easy to do vs. what's difficult) rule over sacrifice.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Communication is key.
I heard a really interesting discussion once, between counselors. If you basically disagree, communicating makes things worse. Shutting up makes them better.
Interesting perspective.
For example, if one partner feels strongly that their partner is sloppy and has let themselves go, saying that more than once or twice is detrimental. It can become nagging.
Continuing to say "your family irritates me" is also a big thing. You can point that out, but then stop.
Don't keep communicating things that are clearly divisive.
Anyway, interesting perspective.
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