Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
As far as higher powers, that is something that will always be debated obviously. Point being is that where we are right now is the result of not only every decision we made individually but also the decisions others made and that some how affected the rest of the universe.
I agree, because this is true of relationships and life in general. Where we are is a result of actions we and others have taken. So, "purpose", "meant to be" and "for a reason" are what we make them.
On a related note, there is an interesting X-files episode called Monday. Its basically based around the idea of the same day being relived over and over while there are so many different variations happening throughout the day yet the outcome is always the same.
Yes, its a Groundhog day rip off except here the variations happen between main unsuspecting characters whereas the only person who is actually living through the same day just acts as an outside observer and does not get involved in the events.
everything happens for a reason. Sometimes those reasons include failure to listen, failure to look at oneself objectively, failure to change the self-destructive patterns in one's lives, and failure to do what it takes to be an attractive partner in life.
In truth, bad luck in relationships is far more about bad decisions than the caprices of circumstance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
of course not everything happens for a reason.
But people can find a reason to learn from everything.
Perhaps there is a higher order of things? Or am I just going crazy?
The latter.
It's mostly chance, really. Of course, your chances improve if you are healthy, stable, well-adjusted, and make an effort to be in situations where you can meet compatible people. If you lack the traits or skills to sustain a good relationship, even luck won't do you much good, though.
And you can be the ideal mate, and never meet someone truly compatible. Chance!
As for me, I exchanged emails (online dating, naturally) with nearly 1000 women. I met about 50, dated a dozen, had some relationships, and then finally met a woman who just blew me away she was so right for me.
I was the target of her first email, and her first meeting for online dating. Chance!
It feels special - it is special, even now, years later and happily married. Higher order involved? Not a chance.
It's mostly chance, really. Of course, your chances improve if you are healthy, stable, well-adjusted, and make an effort to be in situations where you can meet compatible people. If you lack the traits or skills to sustain a good relationship, even luck won't do you much good, though.
And you can be the ideal mate, and never meet someone truly compatible. Chance!
As for me, I exchanged emails (online dating, naturally) with nearly 1000 women. I met about 50, dated a dozen, had some relationships, and then finally met a woman who just blew me away she was so right for me.
I was the target of her first email, and her first meeting for online dating. Chance!
It feels special - it is special, even now, years later and happily married. Higher order involved? Not a chance.
As is often said on this forum, the common denominator in all your relationship failures is you.
So I have been thinking about relationships, dating and things like "meant to be".
It occurred to me that real relationships form in very complex, unpredictable ways. Sure, one could go on all kinds of dates, meet new people, put themselves out there, start a dating profile.. maybe have a few brief sexual encounters.
But when it comes to deeper connections I cant help but feel like it somehow... predetermined, for a lack of a better word. As if it is somehow mapped out. Perhaps there is a higher order of things? Or am I just going crazy?
When I look at other people in good relationships, makes me wonder why didnt I get blessed with a good woman as my wife? I am not a bad person, but all of my past relationships didn't quite feel entirely "right". Not even the longest one (3+ years) because I felt like I was settling for "at least" someone so as to not be completely alone. And there were extended periods of time when I WAS alone, so I am no stranger to that either. But why is it that all the women I TRULY wanted always belonged to someone else?
Most recently, I started noticing this young lady in the apartment building that I got very interested in. Nothing super fancy about her, yet she seems like exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with. And then I saw her together with some other guy. Its pretty much like a curse. I guess attractive singe women only exist in the movies.
Its a bit of a rant, but I am starting to feel really tired of this. Its discouraging for sure. No matter how hard I try I cant beat this "higher order" of things.
If you're not familiar with the psych phrase "locus of control", you might want to check it out. In general, people who believe that they are mostly in control of their outcomes are happier and healthier, even when their belief outreaches the facts.
But I see what you're saying. This maybe a weird analogy, but I work with disabled adults, some of whom had a whole lot go wrong genetically, in vitro, or as infants. Sometimes I look at a person who had none of these things go awry. From the perspective of the person who is or isn't disabled, it can look like there but for the grace of good genetics or some decent pre-natal care go I. But the parents can influence this stuff. Some get genetic counselling, conceive at a statistically prime age, get great pre-natal care and provide an optimum early childhood.......and still something goes wrong. Others do none of that and have a child who thrives. But it's not about a curse or serendipity. If you look at 100 kids, the ones whose parents made those right choices are far more likely to thrive than the ones whose parents chose poorly.
So do the right things relationship wise in the belief that it will work out for you. It's not a guarantee, but it increases your odds greatly. And in that spirit, maybe take one more look at what you're doing that seems right.
Why do I keep only wanting women who are taken? I keep doing it so it must feed some part of me that wants it.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes those reasons include failure to listen, failure to look at oneself objectively, failure to change the self-destructive patterns in one's lives, and failure to do what it takes to be an attractive partner in life.
In truth, bad luck in relationships is far more about bad decisions than the caprices of circumstance.
If you're not familiar with the psych phrase "locus of control", you might want to check it out. In general, people who believe that they are mostly in control of their outcomes are happier and healthier, even when their belief outreaches the facts.
But I see what you're saying. This maybe a weird analogy, but I work with disabled adults, some of whom had a whole lot go wrong genetically, in vitro, or as infants. Sometimes I look at a person who had none of these things go awry. From the perspective of the person who is or isn't disabled, it can look like there but for the grace of good genetics or some decent pre-natal care go I. But the parents can influence this stuff. Some get genetic counselling, conceive at a statistically prime age, get great pre-natal care and provide an optimum early childhood.......and still something goes wrong. Others do none of that and have a child who thrives. But it's not about a curse or serendipity. If you look at 100 kids, the ones whose parents made those right choices are far more likely to thrive than the ones whose parents chose poorly.
So do the right things relationship wise in the belief that it will work out for you. It's not a guarantee, but it increases your odds greatly. And in that spirit, maybe take one more look at what you're doing that seems right.
With all due respect, I think your second paragraph makes absolutely no sense.
But yeah, I thought I was in control of my relationships my entire life, but so what ? Didn't really get me anywhere. Perhaps there is a big disconnect somewhere in all of this. Maybe I don't look healthy or something? I don't know.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
