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Location: The world, where will fate take me this time?
3,162 posts, read 11,436,372 times
Reputation: 1463
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This post is intended specially to the younger members, to prevent them from something that could bring much suffering.
There are some kind of women (the minority thankfully) who play dangerous games, I'd call it the widow game, there must be a male version of this as well, but I'll let our female members talk about that
How this game works? This game is usually played by very pretty or charming women who have an addiction for attention and maybe some resentment towards men, what they do is that once they feel you are interested in them they will hint at you that something might end up hapenning between you and her, if you fall for the bait then she will tell you things like, you are in my heart! Whenever I think about you I smile and I can't have bad thoughts anymore, if she feels you are starting to develop feelings for her, she will even play rougher saying things like, I think you and me could share a life together, do great things together, etc at the same time she'll be really careful to avoid getting physically involved with you saying, hmmm is not the time yet don't force things let them happen alone, whenever I'm ready you will KNOW!
When you get into this stage she will start to confuse your mind, flirting with other guys in your face or even kissing and more to make you jealous, whenever you start asking her what's going on she will tell you look I feel a really pure love coming out from you but... I like you only as a friend, and when you start asking then why you said this and that she'll say something like, don't look in my words a hidden meaning am I not being clear enough with you right now?
But at the same time she'll continue sending mixed signals, inviting you to sleep with her (just that, only sleep) and if you try something else she'll continue with her rhetoric, look I invited you to sleep with me because I really like you and care about you, but only as a friend, don't confuse things out, at the same time she will make your head spin to make you feel even more jealous and obsessed towards her, she'll say things like don't feel bad if you see me with more people or I don't really think you like me because you never feel jealous, if there are more guys interested in her, she will try to manipulate them to be jealous at each other, like flirting with one, then forgetting about him and going with the other one, etc.
This kind of women is very dangerous if you aren't experienced and happen to meet one and fall for her, she usually likes to break relationships too so you have to be really careful and avoid getting caught in her trap, because it will only bring suffering to you.
The reason I called this game the widow game it is because this woman will weave a web around you slowly getting you more and more entangled until it's the time to strike.
It would be nice if a lady could tell us something about the male version of this kind of behavior
i'd say anytime a person is getting mixed signals from someone they are dating (their words don't match their actions; or they repeatedly make contradictory statements) it is a HUGE RED FLAG. Both men and women engage in these behaviors in relationships. And yes it is "crazy-making" in a relationship to deal with these.
My experience has been it is a sign of addictions, or having grown up in addictive-type environments, so a good place to go for help is into a 12-step program. If I keep seeing this repeatedly occur with people I'm dating, I need to work on myself to change the patterns of how I relate to people. Remember in the big picture it's not about "them" it's about "me" and how I do relationship. It's up to me to learn and engage in healthy relationship behaviors, if I didn't learn them growing up or as a young adult, then I need to get myself some therapy,counseling, and 12-step work so I can learn healthier more satisfying ways of doing relationship and intimacy.
It is a pitfall for me to analyze why someone acts this way, just recognize it as a RED FLAG and do something different in relationship. It is equally crazy-making and of my own doing if i seek to "understand" or "analyze" or "fix" the other person, or to "explain to them why it is wrong or bad." As long as I am obsessing on them, rather than taking responsibility for my own part (keeping the focus on my self, not them), the cycle stays in place. For me that's a pretty good incentive to stay in recovery!
Wow that is amazing. Gay men do that kind of junk all the time. It is unfortunate. When I notice the signs a woman or guy is playing the "widow" game, I bolt and run for the hills. I stop all communication and look for others to flirt with.
Best advice: have confidence that you can find a kind and loving partner. Have confidence that you alone are enough to feel good and be happy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelling fella
This post is intended specially to the younger members, to prevent them from something that could bring much suffering.
There are some kind of women (the minority thankfully) who play dangerous games, I'd call it the widow game, there must be a male version of this as well, but I'll let our female members talk about that
How this game works? This game is usually played by very pretty or charming women who have an addiction for attention and maybe some resentment towards men, what they do is that once they feel you are interested in them they will hint at you that something might end up hapenning between you and her, if you fall for the bait then she will tell you things like, you are in my heart! Whenever I think about you I smile and I can't have bad thoughts anymore, if she feels you are starting to develop feelings for her, she will even play rougher saying things like, I think you and me could share a life together, do great things together, etc at the same time she'll be really careful to avoid getting physically involved with you saying, hmmm is not the time yet don't force things let them happen alone, whenever I'm ready you will KNOW!
When you get into this stage she will start to confuse your mind, flirting with other guys in your face or even kissing and more to make you jealous, whenever you start asking her what's going on she will tell you look I feel a really pure love coming out from you but... I like you only as a friend, and when you start asking then why you said this and that she'll say something like, don't look in my words a hidden meaning am I not being clear enough with you right now?
But at the same time she'll continue sending mixed signals, inviting you to sleep with her (just that, only sleep) and if you try something else she'll continue with her rhetoric, look I invited you to sleep with me because I really like you and care about you, but only as a friend, don't confuse things out, at the same time she will make your head spin to make you feel even more jealous and obsessed towards her, she'll say things like don't feel bad if you see me with more people or I don't really think you like me because you never feel jealous, if there are more guys interested in her, she will try to manipulate them to be jealous at each other, like flirting with one, then forgetting about him and going with the other one, etc.
This kind of women is very dangerous if you aren't experienced and happen to meet one and fall for her, she usually likes to break relationships too so you have to be really careful and avoid getting caught in her trap, because it will only bring suffering to you.
The reason I called this game the widow game it is because this woman will weave a web around you slowly getting you more and more entangled until it's the time to strike.
It would be nice if a lady could tell us something about the male version of this kind of behavior
Your message makes it sound as if you are to blame.
You are not defective or messed up enough to go to a 12 step program and psychologist unless you are constantly feeding the flames by running after the "manipulative" or "psychopathic" lover trying to get on her good side. Even then, some people are niave and learn slow. It doesn't mean you are messed up psychologically. BUt like you mentioned, if you obssess about the psycho person then maybe a counselor could help you. A reason for the obsession is that in your soul you believed that there was a possibility to have the perfect relationship with her or him, and it still bugs you to know that you could have had a chance or more of that blissful feeling. In reality the blissful feeling came from within you - not from the psycho one.
It is as simple as having the confidence to be without the disturbed person. Also have the intellect to move your self into better situations. You are not the messed up one. It is just your job to make the right and self-preservative decisions once you see the HUGE RED FLAG. For example if you see a great white shark near shore, you are going to head in the opposite direction. You are almost certain you will get hurt by the shark. With the case of the lover it is like the wolf in sheeps clothing. When you see the fangs or claws, you know to stop communciation, move out of his or her path, and go to a different path.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja
i'd say anytime a person is getting mixed signals from someone they are dating (their words don't match their actions; or they repeatedly make contradictory statements) it is a HUGE RED FLAG. Both men and women engage in these behaviors in relationships. And yes it is "crazy-making" in a relationship to deal with these.
My experience has been it is a sign of addictions, or having grown up in addictive-type environments, so a good place to go for help is into a 12-step program. If I keep seeing this repeatedly occur with people I'm dating, I need to work on myself to change the patterns of how I relate to people. Remember in the big picture it's not about "them" it's about "me" and how I do relationship. It's up to me to learn and engage in healthy relationship behaviors, if I didn't learn them growing up or as a young adult, then I need to get myself some therapy,counseling, and 12-step work so I can learn healthier more satisfying ways of doing relationship and intimacy.
It is a pitfall for me to analyze why someone acts this way, just recognize it as a RED FLAG and do something different in relationship. It is equally crazy-making and of my own doing if i seek to "understand" or "analyze" or "fix" the other person, or to "explain to them why it is wrong or bad." As long as I am obsessing on them, rather than taking responsibility for my own part (keeping the focus on my self, not them), the cycle stays in place. For me that's a pretty good incentive to stay in recovery!
Location: The world, where will fate take me this time?
3,162 posts, read 11,436,372 times
Reputation: 1463
I agree that the best thing to do is to run away as fast as possible from a person with such behavior, but not everybody knows how to spot these kind of people thus getting entangled.
The idea behind the post was to prevent this from happening
I agree that the best thing to do is to run away as fast as possible from a person with such behavior, but not everybody knows how to spot these kind of people thus getting entangled.
The idea behind the post was to prevent this from happening
Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy
Your message makes it sound as if you are to blame. You are not defective or messed up enough to go to a 12 step program and psychologist . It doesn't mean you are messed up psychologically. It is as simple as having the confidence to be without the disturbed person. Also have the intellect to move your self into better situations. You are not the messed up one. It is just your job to make the right and self-preservative decisions once you see the HUGE RED FLAG. With the case of the lover it is like the wolf in sheeps clothing. When you see the fangs or claws, you know to stop communciation, move out of his or her path, and go to a different path.
It is not about "blame" but rather taking responsibility for the situations I find myself in.
The remedy is....Know thyself!
A person is their own best resource for knowing what situations they run into in relationship, particularly those that happen repeatedly and show up as a pattern.
However beyond recognizing patterns, we are generally not able to "fix" or change repetitive patterns without some input from things like counseling or 12-step work. Because if nothing changes, well, nothing changes. If we knew what to do differently we would already be doing it. It is not a sign of "sick" or "psychologically impaired" but rather shows a very healthy desire to improve the quality of relationships, and also a willingness and maturity to get out of victim mode of 'this happens to me, oh me, oh my, i just don't get it.' Walking away is not enough, unless new ways and new skills are learned from outside input, it replays again and again. Just telling a person "don't do it" or "walk away" is not helpful.
the common denominator in all my relationships.....is me
the common element in all my problems....is me
it is not about blame but taking responsibility for the quality of my life, my experiences, and my relationships. That is up to me, and no one else. I am the most motivated to tend to these concerns, and I am the best equipped to make positive changes.
Location: The world, where will fate take me this time?
3,162 posts, read 11,436,372 times
Reputation: 1463
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja
It is not about "blame" but rather taking responsibility for the situations I find myself in.
The remedy is....Know thyself!
A person is their own best resource for knowing what situations they run into in relationship, particularly those that happen repeatedly and show up as a pattern.
However beyond recognizing patterns, we are generally not able to "fix" or change repetitive patterns without some input from things like counseling or 12-step work. Because if nothing changes, well, nothing changes. If we knew what to do differently we would already be doing it. It is not a sign of "sick" or "psychologically impaired" but rather shows a very healthy desire to improve the quality of relationships, and also a willingness and maturity to get out of victim mode of 'this happens to me, oh me, oh my, i just don't get it.' Walking away is not enough, unless new ways and new skills are learned from outside input, it replays again and again. Just telling a person "don't do it" or "walk away" is not helpful.
the common denominator in all my relationships.....is me
the common element in all my problems....is me
it is not about blame but taking responsibility for the quality of my life, my experiences, and my relationships. That is up to me, and no one else. I am the most motivated to tend to these concerns, and I am the best equipped to make positive changes.
I agree with most of your post except that I believe my spiritual discipline and soul / mind equipment is better to keep improving myself
That's what introspection is for, and it's very good to do one heavy introspection at night, before meditation when your mind is clear and analyze your day, what did I do today? WHY did I do this? which side of me won, the positive side or the negative side? how is my consciousness feeling I'm at peace with myself or I feel there is something wrong bothering me?
But I agree if the problem keeps repeating and you believe it's beyond you without any way of improving then you should seek some external help
I'd say beware of anyone, male or female, who makes a sport out of playing with people's hearts. Anyone who's been seriously in love and had their heart completely broken would not wish that kind of pain on anyone, even a stranger. Fortunately I've never been toyed with like that, but I know heartbreak all too well, and I could never respect someone who could be so callous and disingenuous with another human being who is opening up his/her heart.
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