Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Some people are in love with love, and a good marriage sometimes does take a lot of giving to someone else. That said, no, I don't think it's overrated.
To me it's work...but I enjoy work, so work does not necessarily connote something negative for me. Just like I compromise with my boss and co-workers at work, I compromise in the marriage. Just as I draw the line between mountains and mole-hills at work, so do I in the marriage. The work part involves analyzing myself and how I react to his actions. Controlling my reaction is the work part; that is the only part I have full control over. Just like my work, I get up in the morning, take a shower and drive to work. I have no great expectations, nor do I obsess over anxieties. I just take it a day at a time. When I'm productive, I come home fulfilled. When I wake up the next day and I'm still married, I count that as a good day. When I have worked very hard at the delivery of my point, and it finally sinks in, I did a good job. When he can tell what the lilt in my voice means, what the tapping of my forefinger on the table means, when he can tell what my silence means, it means he worked at it over the years. Work is not the same as a job...marriage requires some commitment.
So, is doing nice, considerate, responsible, and respectful things for each other considered work nowadays...?!
'Work' in a good and fun kind of way. It should be a pleasure to work on your relationship.
On the other hand, if only one person is doing the 'work', it's going to make it hard and not very fun, and that's where relationships get into trouble.
As hard as it seems to say it.. but marriage in most cases is just that "work". You work at it daily to keep it going. There is nothing easy about marriage. Its all about two different people trying to work at the same goal and not always agreeing on the same way to get to that goal. It is definetely like work. As far as having to get married these days? Naw, I dont think it is necessary to be married. Is marriage overated? I dont think it is overated, but it is sometimes underated! Why get married when you are not ready to be married? Look at the inflation of the divorce rate. Too many people mistake marriage for a game..
As hard as it seems to say it.. but marriage in most cases is just that "work". You work at it daily to keep it going. There is nothing easy about marriage. Its all about two different people trying to work at the same goal and not always agreeing on the same way to get to that goal. It is definetely like work.
I agree that too many people are in love with the 'idea' of marriage (or for that matter any committed relationship) and think that somehow everything will automatically fall into place just 'because we love each other'. In most cases, love (however that's defined by each person) alone is not enough. Any serious relationship, married or not, is an ongoing series of compromises -- some small, some large. I have yet to know any couple so completely in tune with each other that their lives run smoothly with absolutely no compromises, resentment, annoyances, etc. A big issue in marriage is privacy and personal space, and if two people aren't on the same page about that, it IS work to keep one or the other from feeling put-upon and stressed. Having kids around escalates any differences between couples WAAY up from 'manageable' level. Been there, done that, and now I am happily living alone, loving it, and intend to spend the rest of my life this way. I look back on all the years when I bought into the 'idea/ideal' of marriage and realize that the only reason I thought it was something to aspire to was because I grew up with the romanticized picket-fence ideal and never saw what it was really all about. Marriage is definitely not for everyone. The lucky ones realize this before marrying and can make their choice without rose-colored glasses on.
I don't believe that marriage is overrated. I do however believe that way to many enter into it lightly without considering that the whole initial "being in love" feeling can only carry you so far.
Yes, it is important to be in love and the best would be for that feeling to last a lifetime. However, I think a lot of people don't think about those times when conflicts will arise and you may actually look at the other person and feel like you don't like them very much at that moment. The question is, can you still love them anyways.
There is a saying that when problems come in the front door, love goes out the window. This can be very true. To go into marriage thinking that it is always going to be this happy, always this good, is a bit nieve. The marriage that stands the best chance at succeeding is the one that starts understanding there will be ups and downs, good times and bad times, moments of absolute joy and love and moments of sadness and disappointment, but where they also know that they are entering into it with all the intention of making it work. No open backdoor plan that if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce. Sadly, there are some that enter into it with that thought.
On the topic of work. I absolutely believe that it takes work. You just have to enjoy it and want to do so that you don't feel resentful of it. But reality is everything takes work. Keeping my house clean is work. Raising children is work. Keeping my car running well is work. Cooking/Laundry is work. If these things are going to be done, it means we are going to have to work at it. If we buy a plant we need to water it and take care of it or it will die. Same for our marriages and relationships, if we are not willing to invest some time, effort (i.e. some work) into them, we risk them dying as well.
Now should it be "Hard" work. No, the work should flow easily and often will if you are compatible. Also, the work should not be one sided where one is doing all the work and the other does nothing, or one doing all the giving and nurturing while the other does all the taking.
After 28 years of marriage I can look at my wife and being honest with myself think, thank god I didn't get in a hurry. Last week I took the week off from my business, I didn't discuss it with her first but I know race week is the slowest week of the year here in Bristol TN. Most women would have had issues with their husbands not asking their permission first, not mine....she said, you should go out and have fun while your off....shes always been the best.
Meaning, do people fall in love with the "idea" of marriage moreso than the work it actually takes to create a successful marriage?
yes. people are attracted to the security of an institution that promises to be lifelong so they don't have to worry about being alone.
the actual work that it takes many people are NOT willing to put in. Also they take the other person for granted and feel hey it's permanent i can do whatever i want.
both parties need to continue to actively participate in the relationship for it to be successful.
it is work! and work can be pleasure. Working in the garden for me is work and i absolutely love it. A relationship is similar, it is a labor of love. And work is an appropriate term because there are parts that are sheer drudgery. Doesn't mean it is not willingly and joyfully undertaken for the delightful big picture and end product. Same as raising kids, helluva lot of hard work and well worth it! But to not call marriage work is dicey for me becuase it is setting it up as all glamour and lovey-dovey and happy ever after and fantasy land. Now THAT is a recipe for disillusionment and disappointment if there ever was one.
Personally, I'm head-over-heels in love with my husband. It doesn't take any effort to love this man and we've been together for 7 years so far. So, I don't know what people mean when they say that marriage is "overrated." I think it is often taken for granted though and people are quick to jump ship as soon as the trouble comes along.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
