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Old 10-05-2017, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Jacksonville
2,822 posts, read 1,921,155 times
Reputation: 3074

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Quote:
Originally Posted by wanderlust76 View Post
Social networking is one of the best ways to meet people imo sometimes it's really all about who you know in life. I wouldn't necessarily rely on friends, sometimes they can actually hold you back. My one buddy is 11 years older than me, and tries to take the same women I'm after off of me, it's like seriously?? Horrible wingman, no help at all.
I say, you don't need a wingman at all.

Sometimes your friends can get you into trouble and screw things up for you, even if they don't mean to. They might say the wrong thing, they might unintentionally say something that makes you look bad, even if they mean well.
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Old 10-05-2017, 04:50 PM
 
1,568 posts, read 1,115,041 times
Reputation: 1676
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
This sums it up, OP. This is why you're confused. You put too much credence in the images you see in the media, instead of paying attention to what you see IRL. If it were true that women all ran after the high earners (they don't; we get high earners posting here that they can't get women to give them the time of day), then all the working-class guys, the sanitation engineers, the construction workers, the administrative assistants, the retail "managers" that make only slightly more than the cashiers they supervise, the insurance salesmen, wouldn't be married, but many of them are. Go to the mall, and look around at the couples. Do you see any wealthy guys?
When I worked in clubs I saw them all the time, and yes it's not JUST cars but any sign this guy is not living paycheck to paycheck.

Quote:
And btw, women whose partners "put them first", as you put it, do NOT call that "needy" or "clingy". You're oversimplifying. They only call the needy, clingy guys needy and clingy. That's an extreme; it's a dysfunction. Letting your partner know you appreciate them has nothing to do with being emotionally needy and clingy.
putting my woman first means I won't blow her off to hang with my bud's, it means if I cancel a date that means there was bleeding involved and a car or bus with my blood on its bumper, it means my girlfriends feelings are more important than testing my game by being overly friendly with other females(no such thing as harmless flirting). It's being tender and romantic when with her and her being always in my thoughts when i'm not with her and behaving accordingly(Too many people want to be in relationships but still act like they are single).

Quote:
You're caught in the gap between real life, as reflected in the polls you read, and media images and clichés. Car ads show a guy in an expensive suit by a top of the line model car, with a babe admiring the car. Don't you know they do that to hook guys into dropping their cash for the car? It's just a sales technique, it's psychology. They know what motivates guys.
No it's the gap between what is reflected in the polls I read, what many women SAY they are looking for in the forums and what I run into in real life.
And I have been on both sides of money, I have lived in nice apartments and condos drove nice cars and I have lived in crappy apartments and lived on roman noodles paycheck to paycheck. and it is amazing that during times I was doing really well I never had trouble getting girlfriends, even though I was the same person!!! I gave the same foot/back rubs I did the same romantic gestures, I showed the same combo of dry and goofy humor I would still spend most of my free time with whoever I was dating, though one difference was I usually had much less of it back then(which would usually make me very sad).
Now I am somewhere in the middle, I own my own house, I like my job, I have plenty of free time, but not a lot in the way of disposable income. And my last 4 ex girlfriends were crazy about me but they were constantly hassling me about changing jobs or getting a part time one(even though I did not need one and all my bills were covered and I was still able to afford to take them out someplace nice from time to time. just not every week as I saved up for those times, and I never ever mooched off of them.) 3 of them still call me,2 just want to hook up and hang out but they don't want anything serious with me and one wants to get back together but she hurt me really bad so I can't. All for of them dumped me for the same reason, they thought "I should be further along at my age" and all for tried to get back with me a few months after dumping me though only one is still trying(year and a half later). But materialism is something I run into often.
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Old 10-05-2017, 05:57 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx View Post
putting my woman first means I won't blow her off to hang with my bud's, it means if I cancel a date that means there was bleeding involved and a car or bus with my blood on its bumper, it means my girlfriends feelings are more important than testing my game by being overly friendly with other females(no such thing as harmless flirting). It's being tender and romantic when with her and her being always in my thoughts when i'm not with her and behaving accordingly(Too many people want to be in relationships but still act like they are single).
OK, cool, so you get the concept of putting your woman first, vs. being needy/clingy. What you describe is not needy/clingy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx;

No it's the gap between what is reflected in the polls I read, what many women SAY they are looking for in the forums and what I run into in real life.
OK, well, what can I say? Your real life is way different from my & my gfs' real life. Maybe you need to change strategies or criteria, and find a different type of woman...? Like--ones that don't expect you to take them someplace nice every single week, for starters. (Red flag, IMO.) IMO you shouldn't be setting women up for that kind of expectation. You're under no obligation to spend solid money on dates every week. You should look for women who are fine with cheap dates, free dates, fun dates, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx;
And I have been on both sides of money, I have lived in nice apartments and condos drove nice cars and I have lived in crappy apartments and lived on roman noodles paycheck to paycheck. and it is amazing that during times I was doing really well I never had trouble getting girlfriends, even though I was the same person!!! I gave the same foot/back rubs I did the same romantic gestures, I showed the same combo of dry and goofy humor I would still spend most of my free time with whoever I was dating, though one difference was I usually had much less of it back then(which would usually make me very sad).
You sound very cool, OP.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx;
Now I am somewhere in the middle, I own my own house, I like my job, I have plenty of free time, but not a lot in the way of disposable income. And my last 4 ex girlfriends were crazy about me but they were constantly hassling me about changing jobs or getting a part time one(even though I did not need one and all my bills were covered and I was still able to afford to take them out someplace nice from time to time. just not every week as I saved up for those times, and I never ever mooched off of them.) 3 of them still call me,2 just want to hook up and hang out but they don't want anything serious with me and one wants to get back together but she hurt me really bad so I can't. All for of them dumped me for the same reason, they thought "I should be further along at my age" and all for tried to get back with me a few months after dumping me though only one is still trying(year and a half later). But materialism is something I run into often.
Why did all "for" of them (4="four") dump you, then get back with you? What were their jobs like? Did they meet their own standards, i.e. being "far enough along" in life, at their age?

Well, what you're running into, in part, is women looking to settle down, so they want to know that the guy is stable, and can build a future, not only for himself, but for a family. So if you look like you're starting at Square One or Two, at a certain age, they might wonder why that is. This is on the level of practicality, not gold-digging, or looking for a free ride.
But people encounter setbacks. It happens. Layoffs happen. Recessions happen. All kinds of stuff happens. The main thing should be that you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and got right back in the game, found a job you love (yay!), and are moving forward. The other main thing is that you treat women well. So if they can't handle that you're rebuilding your employment/economic scene, that's their loss. Other women would see that as a plus. You didn't let adversity stop you, and you're back on track. Plus, you're a good guy. And you're obviously managing your money responsibly.

So, look for the down-to-earth women, who are fine with contributing their share to a household savings plan, and pitching in 50%, along with you. And who don't expect "someplace nice" every week, but are happy to do a museum date, a walk-in-the-park or beach date, a picnic, etc. They're out there. Do you read me?

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-05-2017 at 06:16 PM..
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Old 10-05-2017, 10:12 PM
 
1,838 posts, read 2,967,481 times
Reputation: 1562
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OK, cool, so you get the concept of putting your woman first, vs. being needy/clingy. What you describe is not needy/clingy.

OK, well, what can I say? Your real life is way different from my & my gfs' real life. Maybe you need to change strategies or criteria, and find a different type of woman...? Like--ones that don't expect you to take them someplace nice every single week, for starters. (Red flag, IMO.) IMO you shouldn't be setting women up for that kind of expectation. You're under no obligation to spend solid money on dates every week. You should look for women who are fine with cheap dates, free dates, fun dates, etc.
You sound very cool, OP.
Why did all "for" of them (4="four") dump you, then get back with you? What were their jobs like? Did they meet their own standards, i.e. being "far enough along" in life, at their age?

Well, what you're running into, in part, is women looking to settle down, so they want to know that the guy is stable, and can build a future, not only for himself, but for a family. So if you look like you're starting at Square One or Two, at a certain age, they might wonder why that is. This is on the level of practicality, not gold-digging, or looking for a free ride.
But people encounter setbacks. It happens. Layoffs happen. Recessions happen. All kinds of stuff happens. The main thing should be that you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and got right back in the game, found a job you love (yay!), and are moving forward. The other main thing is that you treat women well. So if they can't handle that you're rebuilding your employment/economic scene, that's their loss. Other women would see that as a plus. You didn't let adversity stop you, and you're back on track. Plus, you're a good guy. And you're obviously managing your money responsibly.

So, look for the down-to-earth women, who are fine with contributing their share to a household savings plan, and pitching in 50%, along with you. And who don't expect "someplace nice" every week, but are happy to do a museum date, a walk-in-the-park or beach date, a picnic, etc. They're out there. Do you read me?
The issue with that is those women you speak of don't have the attractiveness the OP prefers in a woman. If OP is everything he has stated he is here, there's no way he would have trouble getting a woman to settle down with. However she's not going to be that hot chick that makes every guys head turn when she walks by, those women know what their attractiveness can afford them and they don't date outside of that realm simply because they don't have too. The OP can't have it both ways, either lower he standards a bit and get a woman that values matches his. Or he's going to have to raise his status in life and consistently do well financially.
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Old 10-05-2017, 10:23 PM
 
1,838 posts, read 2,967,481 times
Reputation: 1562
Quote:
Originally Posted by Runninglikethieves View Post
I say, you don't need a wingman at all.

Sometimes your friends can get you into trouble and screw things up for you, even if they don't mean to. They might say the wrong thing, they might unintentionally say something that makes you look bad, even if they mean well.
This is very true as my S/O friend has caused problems within our relationship and almost caused us to break up once and I really do believe his actions were done on purpose. Especially given that he is single and desperately wants to find someone that will put up with his crap.

Sometimes your friends are happy to see you in the same state of being they're in and actually don't want you to improve your situation because they feel they will be left out. So they will try to sabotage under the disguise that they are "looking out for you" when in reality they're only looking out for themselves.
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Old 10-05-2017, 10:44 PM
 
Location: Jacksonville
2,822 posts, read 1,921,155 times
Reputation: 3074
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shysister View Post
This is very true as my S/O friend has caused problems within our relationship and almost caused us to break up once and I really do believe his actions were done on purpose. Especially given that he is single and desperately wants to find someone that will put up with his crap.

Sometimes your friends are happy to see you in the same state of being they're in and actually don't want you to improve your situation because they feel they will be left out. So they will try to sabotage under the disguise that they are "looking out for you" when in reality they're only looking out for themselves.
That sucks when people purposely do things to sabotage you. My best friend sometimes says things at the wrong time, or at least he used to when we were younger. He didn't mean anything by it, and as we've gotten older, he's definitely matured in that regard. A lot of friends just wanna be playful and funny, but they wind up saying something that makes you look stupid or weird, or something that's embarrassing to you. They usually mean well, but it can wind up really making things not work out for you. And sometimes they might even say something that they think is going to make you look really good, but it winds up making you look bad.

That's why I'd always advise that if you're dating someone who doesn't already know your friends, to not bring them around early on. If you wanna go meet women, you probably shouldn't go out of your way to ask your friends to tag along. If you happen to meet someone when you're with them, then so be it. Just don't go out of your way to ask them to tag along, or you might be doing more good than bad.
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Old 10-06-2017, 04:24 AM
 
1,568 posts, read 1,115,041 times
Reputation: 1676
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shysister View Post
The issue with that is those women you speak of don't have the attractiveness the OP prefers in a woman. If OP is everything he has stated he is here, there's no way he would have trouble getting a woman to settle down with. However she's not going to be that hot chick that makes every guys head turn when she walks by, those women know what their attractiveness can afford them and they don't date outside of that realm simply because they don't have too. The OP can't have it both ways, either lower he standards a bit and get a woman that values matches his. Or he's going to have to raise his status in life and consistently do well financially.
Why? first off if we are speaking of balance, I could care less how much money a woman makes, what she drives or whether she rents or owns her home, I am not looking for a living barbie either, in fact the type of women I find most attractive tend to look something like abby on NCIS.

not looking for perfection just someone who keeps herself in shape, I jog every other night, work out, ride a bike across town on the nights I don't jog. I'm 47 years old but people usually mistake me for my early 30's. (plus working out and eating right cost nothing in fact you save money eating less food lol). and yet my expectations are minimal when it comes to income of a female, as long as she can pay her bills at the time I meet her and she is responsible with her money that's all that matters to me, and I wish women judged men by those same standards.
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Old 10-06-2017, 06:02 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,838,343 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx View Post
Why? first off if we are speaking of balance, I could care less how much money a woman makes, what she drives or whether she rents or owns her home, I am not looking for a living barbie either, in fact the type of women I find most attractive tend to look something like abby on NCIS.

not looking for perfection just someone who keeps herself in shape, I jog every other night, work out, ride a bike across town on the nights I don't jog. I'm 47 years old but people usually mistake me for my early 30's. (plus working out and eating right cost nothing in fact you save money eating less food lol). and yet my expectations are minimal when it comes to income of a female, as long as she can pay her bills at the time I meet her and she is responsible with her money that's all that matters to me, and I wish women judged men by those same standards.


I wish a lot of things. I wish health care was much of a right as having guns. That kids wouldn't die of cancer. And that there was no such thing as male politicians trying to tell women what they can or can't do with their bodies.


But, I learned long ago that what I want really doesn't matter. I have to live life on life's terms, and that I have no control over how others think, act, or choose. I only control my own choices, and I should put all my available energy into that.
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Old 10-06-2017, 08:03 AM
 
1,915 posts, read 1,474,764 times
Reputation: 3238
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyphorx View Post
Why? first off if we are speaking of balance, I could care less how much money a woman makes, what she drives or whether she rents or owns her home, I am not looking for a living barbie either, in fact the type of women I find most attractive tend to look something like abby on NCIS.

not looking for perfection just someone who keeps herself in shape, I jog every other night, work out, ride a bike across town on the nights I don't jog. I'm 47 years old but people usually mistake me for my early 30's. (plus working out and eating right cost nothing in fact you save money eating less food lol). and yet my expectations are minimal when it comes to income of a female, as long as she can pay her bills at the time I meet her and she is responsible with her money that's all that matters to me, and I wish women judged men by those same standards.
Some of your issue might not be you or what type of woman you are looking for so much as your stage in live. In a nutshell, you and the age group one decade younger than you, are, statistically, the most likely to be married. And that's just married, that's not counting people that are living together or are in other long-term relationships. Your pool of women, if you are looking from age 30 to your own age, is literally the smallest group of possible single women. And of those single women, not every is looking and there are some who are also "single for a reason" if you know what I mean. Making the pool of women even smaller still. If it helps, that small percentage of single women who are looking are just as determined as you and are also running into the exact same issues as you (smaller pool of men, some not looking, some single for a reason, etc). When you do find someone (and vice versa), it will be like striking gold. Good luck!
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Old 10-06-2017, 08:43 AM
 
Location: South Bay Native
16,226 posts, read 27,352,516 times
Reputation: 31493
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
I wish a lot of things. I wish health care was much of a right as having guns. That kids wouldn't die of cancer. And that there was no such thing as male politicians trying to tell women what they can or can't do with their bodies.


But, I learned long ago that what I want really doesn't matter. I have to live life on life's terms, and that I have no control over how others think, act, or choose. I only control my own choices, and I should put all my available energy into that.
QFT!

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
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