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Old 10-08-2017, 11:06 AM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,103,864 times
Reputation: 62664

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inacitysomewhere View Post
If someone says to you these kinds of things:

"You wouldn't be just another notch on my belt"
"This (the physical intimacy) is serious for me, it's not something I would talk about with just anybody"
"I want more physical intimacy to see if we could sustain a real relationship"
"I keep getting these emails from the dating site and I don't want to go back online, but..."
"We wouldn't have to go all the way but you know...maybe shower together?"
"I'm not comfortable talking about this but you're the exception"
"An objective third party would be asking where things were by now and that this isn't too fast..."

etc etc.

Am I wrong to think this is pressure to sleep with him, even if he says it isn't? Or is this just a person wanting their physical needs met in the context of a relationship?
If you cannot figure this out on your own you should consider not attempting to be in any relationship.
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:09 AM
 
Location: New Yawk
9,196 posts, read 7,208,181 times
Reputation: 15314
Quote:
Originally Posted by 303Guy View Post
It would show me a lack of seduction skills.
^This. If you need to present a persuasive aregument to get to the next level, you've already lost. Just pack it in and call it a day. Either the attraction and comfort level are there organically, or they're not.
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
I would not have tolerated the whole "summarize what I just said" business. And it's been obvious for a while that this guy is not your match.

However, it's hard to tell how much of your "taking your time" is just you making every man from here on out pay for the wrongs your ex did.


Or maybe you're just funneling your anger at being mistreated in the past into this bizarre effort to "take your time." IDK I understand your rationale, but you really are doing it wrong.

I agree with Meta about the waste of time.

You have known for a while that he is not for you, yet it took till today to make that official.

Last edited by BirdieBelle; 10-08-2017 at 11:35 AM..
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:15 AM
 
37 posts, read 56,003 times
Reputation: 58
yeah for sure. total goofball wannabe player. he's using weak psychology to "allow" you to sleep with him before he "has to" sleep with someone else... haha douchebag
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:25 AM
 
1,519 posts, read 2,402,564 times
Reputation: 4198
12 to 15 dates before intimacy, good luck with that.
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:27 AM
 
4,868 posts, read 8,399,215 times
Reputation: 3161
Both of you are in the wrong here.

He's using sex as a weapon and you're moving waaaaayyyy too slow on deciding if he's it for you. If you need that much time, then you're just inexperienced.

The thing is, only 1 is it for you (maybe 2 or 3) in your life.

I also need to build trust with a person first and require patience from a man...but man..5 months??? I just want to know that he's serious about me..once I've figured that out, we can plan to never leave our beds for weekends on end . because like it or not, sexual compatibility is 80% of a relationship...which only works out well if you communicate and build trust. For the average woman, this process can take around a month or so. Its pretty easy to tell if someone isn't trustworthy and is just in it for one thing only.
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Old 10-08-2017, 11:32 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115942
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inacitysomewhere View Post
I'm a slow mover. We have not been dating that long and I have had some reservations about him. I had decided to cut it off with him and then we had this conversation which only further confirmed those ]reservations that he was a bit pushy and didn't really care about me as much as the physical end of things. I think it will natrually fizzle out since we don't appear to be compatible so it might not be necessary to have the 'ending it' conversation so much anymore.
Why are you shrinking from the "ending it" conversation? You know you're not compatible, you feel he's pushy, why not cancel your next date, and say it's not a good match? Why drag it out any longer, when you know it's not a good fit? How long have you been dating this one?

Didn't you have another guy you've been seeing for awhile, whom you like a lot, and who recently expressed interest in longer-term plans with you? If you continue to date others, while getting more serious about one guy, you're leading the others on, and wasting everyone's time, including your own.
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Old 10-08-2017, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,446 posts, read 34,627,532 times
Reputation: 73580
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
I would not have tolerated the whole "summarize what I just said" business. And it's been obvious for a while that this guy is not your match.

However, it's hard to tell how much of your "taking your time" is just you making every man from here on out pay for the wrongs your ex did.


Or maybe you're just funneling your anger at being mistreated in the past into this bizarre effort to "take your time." IDK I understand your rationale, but you really are doing it wrong.

I agree with Meta about the waste of time.

You have known for a while that he is not for you, yet it took till today to make that official.
I thought that was hilarious.... I just would have said "no." I'm not sure why this guy got this much talk time - you wanted to break up with him before that.

I'm with the other ladies, about this whole taking your time stuff. Something is just off with it. I think you are coming at the whole thing with lawyer's mentality of insisting on minimizing risk and it is (IMO) going to put guys off.

You are so intent on not repeating past mistakes that you are (perhaps) creating new mistakes left and right.
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Old 10-08-2017, 06:53 PM
 
1,178 posts, read 683,336 times
Reputation: 1187
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Why are you shrinking from the "ending it" conversation? You know you're not compatible, you feel he's pushy, why not cancel your next date, and say it's not a good match? Why drag it out any longer, when you know it's not a good fit? How long have you been dating this one?

Didn't you have another guy you've been seeing for awhile, whom you like a lot, and who recently expressed interest in longer-term plans with you? If you continue to date others, while getting more serious about one guy, you're leading the others on, and wasting everyone's time, including your own.
We don't have a next date. He literally wouldn't stop talking. It was a monologue. He got so much talk time simply because he wouldnt stop repeating himself. By the end of it I didn't want to talk anymore, or go through any more drawn out anythings, just leave. It was an exhausting conversation. I got to hear all about how uncomfortable he was and how I should be willing to do the same for him. Puke. I don't think I'll hear from him since he figured out I won't be sleeping with him but it did leave me with absolutely no doubt that it's the right call. Particularly the summarizing at the end. My ex used to do ish like that.

Yes, there is someone else who I like more who has been expressing more interest. I would like to know where I stand with him. He is, so far, a much more consistent person. I have dated him about the same amount of time. Hes dealimg with some family stuff right now but i think we will visit the conversation again soon.

I'm not interested in making men pay for my ex's mistakes. I think my speed has more to do with trusting myself, signals people send, and figuring out my feelings. I made a huge misjudgement with him and I don't want to repeat the mistake, that is true, but it is not to punish anyone.

I am trying to narrow it down. I don't like multi dating, I am just not sure how else to do it. For ecample, if I had been exclusive with this guy when he asked in an effort to focus only on him, it only went a couple more dates, and then died. What would the point of that "relationship" have been? Dating, in my view, is to see who you want a relationship with, a relationship is a different animal. On rare times I have wanted it sooner than the 12-15 dates, but those times often he hasnt or has wanted to date longer first. Both people have to be in the same page and that seems to rarely happen at the same time.

Last edited by Inacitysomewhere; 10-08-2017 at 07:15 PM..
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Old 10-08-2017, 09:41 PM
YAZ
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
7,701 posts, read 14,048,564 times
Reputation: 7038
I'm surprised that City Girl from someplace didn't throat punch the dude. I've some lady friends that I've known for YEARS, and the sexual tension is there...but never acted on. This part is what makes things fun, and the world full of wonder.....

My attitude keeps me from being a cad; I reckon a good woman would have sex with a clumsy oaf firstly, if'n he was funny and a gentleman.

Not a lot of effort to be honorable.
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