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One woman I was dating, about a year and a half ago, we had sex on the third date. About a week later, we got intimate again, but when it began to get intense, she gently put up her hand. You didn't have to beat me over the head with a club for me to know what that meant. She was very tactful, but I did back off.
I could write a whole book on this topic. I've had 2 men recently that I hit it off really well with, slow fade, then disappear because I didn't put out on some short timeline they had. Most men I've encountered, push REALLY hard on date 2.
I get where the anger comes from, they don't want to waste their time in case the sexual chemistry isn't there, they don't want to spend so much money in case she's just stringing him along to never have sex. But you guys...if we like you, we will have sex with you! just show us you're worth it just like we're trying to show you we're worth the wait.
Not to mention, sex is so much better when you get to know someone and build an emotional connection and trust first. Trust is everything. If you want her to be your personal one and only sl*t...trust is the word. And that takes time to build (at least a month, minimum!)
I really don't get why this is such a tough concept for most men. There's a method to our madness when it comes to making a man wait.
You said exactly what I was thinking. So I'm going to ask you--would you give this guy a chance if you liked so much else about him? Trust is exactly the issue I'm struggling with--the more he pushes, the less I trust him.
One woman I was dating, about a year and a half ago, we had sex on the third date. About a week later, we got intimate again, but when it began to get intense, she gently put up her hand. You didn't have to beat me over the head with a club for me to know what that meant. She was very tactful, but I did back off.
One woman I was dating, about a year and a half ago, we had sex on the third date. About a week later, we got intimate again, but when it began to get intense, she gently put up her hand. You didn't have to beat me over the head with a club for me to know what that meant. She was very tactful, but I did back off.
If she doesn't want it, I'm not gonna force it.
So was that the end of the "relationship"? Or was it something else related or unrelated?
I suspect she's been judged by someone who really mattered. That happened to me in the past few years and it really hurt to think that I probably lost someone who might still be here if I'd just waited a few more dates.
Perhaps. I really have no idea. The most perplexing part of it all, was after she said that about not having sex for a while she started in about building a solid relationship. (I don't recall exactly how she phrased that part or I'd quote her.) Anyway, I said, "Ok, I understand that. So, lets start laying a solid foundation and do this right." Again, I really liked her and wanted to see where things would/could go. She had just that type of "quirky personality" that is beyond attractive to me, so I sure as hell wasn't going to do anything to screw it up. Then, after that came the night in bed where she flipped the script so I had no idea what she actually wanted at that point. lol But, I gave it a try. Sometimes that's all you can do.
As for you, yeah, being judged sucks. I try not to ever do it. I'll always give someone the benefit of the doubt first until they give me a reason not too. At that point, everything is fair game. When it comes to sex in a relationship I'm of the mind of, do what makes sense to *you*. (In terms of when/where/how often/whatever) You'll either you find someone that is down with that, or you won't. But, at the end of the day, there is someone out there that will be willing to meet you half way. You just have to find them.
I suspect this may be a hot topic so I really really want to urge us all to be civilized. Pleeaase. I'd like to get a few pages out of it before it gets closed lol.
So, a personal thing has come up in my life lately and I already know what I must do though I hate it. I really like this man--he has so many qualities that I really like and admire but on the last couple of dates he pushed me really hard for sex even though I explained that I'm in a tough emotional place right now and getting into sex quickly would probably not be good for me at all. And then he pushed some more.
What do I mean by that? I mean asking me to come sleep with him several times while kissing, amping up the kissing though I tried to keep it calmer, trying to stick his hand down my pants though I asked him not to do that. When I got tough, he acted like I was being a biotch, and that sort of thing. I've been out with him 4 times and he pushed really hard at least on the last two. I started to walk away after the first time but second guessed myself. Yeah I know, I should know better because, as it turns out, my first feelings about someone always turn out to be right and these things never work out.
But I didn't come for advice...I already know the answer.
So what I'm really thinking is this:
Men, where do you draw the line?
At what point do you just back off and know she means it and stop?
How many women throw mixed signals?
When you are pressing a woman hard for sex, is a relationship ever a thing on your mind with this particular woman? (My guess is no but we may get some surprises...)
I realize there is a lot of anger on both sides around this issue so I would urge all of us to use some empathy. It's fine to speak of your pain but when you blame all of any group, discussion shuts down. I am in some pain around this issue and I have been sexually harassed in some really bad ways several times in my youth which has made me careful and when I think of some things that have happened, this one barely raises an eyebrow. I've been lied to by so many men in my life but I still like them and I'm just looking for thoughtful answers on this.
I think we have all experience this and to me he sexually assaulted you after continuing after you said no. And I have always felt that way and reacted accordingly.
You said exactly what I was thinking. So I'm going to ask you--would you give this guy a chance if you liked so much else about him? Trust is exactly the issue I'm struggling with--the more he pushes, the less I trust him.
Correct. He cannot be trusted with the most basic thing. Respect for him telling you not to touch your body!
I suspect she's been judged by someone who really mattered. That happened to me in the past few years and it really hurt to think that I probably lost someone who might still be here if I'd just waited a few more dates.
I know this isn't exactly related, but why would you feel you've lost someone worthwhile if that someone left because having sex, with him, meant you were tarnished?
So was that the end of the "relationship"? Or was it something else related or unrelated?
Unrelated. Work issues on her part.
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