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I'll give you an example from early in my marriage. I totally shut down sexually. Reasons were largely resentment over other things. DH said, I love you, but I will not live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. I will be patient and do what it takes to improve this. But be aware that this sexlessness is not how I plan to live the rest of my life. And then he was very patient. No always meant no. He did not want me doing anything I did not want to do. This opened up trust in me to try and say yes. And over time, the yeses became more frequent. And the guts to initiate myself became possible. Because I TRUSTED him.
Let me just say if you got cheated on nothing I'm saying applies. That's a different ball game where intimacy, support, attention are all required regardless of the bedroom.
Lol as usual, my point is missed. Men like to cuddle as well without sex.
Not quite.
Quote:
But if he's not getting regular sex, I see no reason to provide the intimacy and loving attention she desires.
That's not to say men don't also desire intimacy. We do. But it's intertwined with sex. I'm not any woman's source of emotional support and connection if we don't have a good sex life.
Men like to cuddle without sex, as long as they're getting regular sex.
I'm saying there are men who like to cuddle without the expectation of regular sex. No "You didn't have sex with me this week, so I'm not interested in cuddling." F that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold
Of course, but you don't make him settle for cuddling or just 'making out' all the time.
I'd think most of us are like the two of you. Or would hope so.
Since when was the issue about "all the time"? I stated my husband doesn't tie intimacy exclusively to sex, as Red stated, and doesn't require regular sex to seek out other forms of intimacy.
So, it isn't an issue of "I'll cuddle with you and offer emotional intimacy so long as I'm getting regular sex" because intimacy can take on many forms and it isn't about quid pro quo.
She completely missed my point. If he's not getting regular sex, as I previously stated, my statement applies. Of course guys love to cuddle with their SO, provided she's a sweetheart who isn't an ice queen in the bedroom.
And I'm saying it doesn't, because not all men view sex and intimacy in this light.
Men like to cuddle without sex, as long as they're getting regular sex.
I'm saying there are men who like to cuddle without the expectation of regular sex. No "You didn't have sex with me this week, so I'm not interested in cuddling." F that.
Since when was the issue about "all the time"? I stated my husband doesn't tie intimacy exclusively to sex, as Red stated, and doesn't require regular sex to seek out other forms of intimacy.
So, it isn't an issue of "I'll cuddle with you and offer emotional intimacy so long as I'm getting regular sex" because intimacy can take on many forms and it isn't about quid pro quo.
Meh. I would hardly consider one week sex free to be not having regular sex.
And again, you miss the point. Enjoying intimacy, cuddling and eveything that goes along with it is NOT transactional, as you keep trying to make my point out to be. But rather a direct result of a healthy sex life and relationship. Ice out your husband for a few months for no real reason. See how often he wants to cuddle and watch Netflix with you then.
Men like to cuddle without sex, as long as they're getting regular sex.
I'm saying there are men who like to cuddle without the expectation of regular sex. No "You didn't have sex with me this week, so I'm not interested in cuddling." F that.
Since when was the issue about "all the time"? I stated my husband doesn't tie intimacy exclusively to sex, as Red stated, and doesn't require regular sex to seek out other forms of intimacy.
So, it isn't an issue of "I'll cuddle with you and offer emotional intimacy so long as I'm getting regular sex" because intimacy can take on many forms and it isn't about quid pro quo.
At his point we're either talking over each other or you're misconstruing what a couple of us have said for some reason of your own or you and your husband are happy cuddling and don't have sex.
Whichever, I'm not going to try to figure it out.
I suspect this may be a hot topic so I really really want to urge us all to be civilized. Pleeaase. I'd like to get a few pages out of it before it gets closed lol.
So, a personal thing has come up in my life lately and I already know what I must do though I hate it. I really like this man--he has so many qualities that I really like and admire but on the last couple of dates he pushed me really hard for sex even though I explained that I'm in a tough emotional place right now and getting into sex quickly would probably not be good for me at all. And then he pushed some more.
What do I mean by that? I mean asking me to come sleep with him several times while kissing, amping up the kissing though I tried to keep it calmer, trying to stick his hand down my pants though I asked him not to do that. When I got tough, he acted like I was being a biotch, and that sort of thing. I've been out with him 4 times and he pushed really hard at least on the last two. I started to walk away after the first time but second guessed myself. Yeah I know, I should know better because, as it turns out, my first feelings about someone always turn out to be right and these things never work out.
But I didn't come for advice...I already know the answer.
So what I'm really thinking is this:
Men, where do you draw the line? Draw the line at what? How long it takes me to get in her pants? My wife and I dated fir three months before we got down to the deed.
At what point do you just back off and know she means it and stop? When she says no or stop I don't want to
How many women throw mixed signals? When I was dating? A few, but it was pretty easy to figure the ones who were just being teases and stringing you along
When you are pressing a woman hard for sex, is a relationship ever a thing on your mind with this particular woman? I've never pressured a woman. I had one night stands, weekend flings, quickies. It's either gonna happen or it's not. Most of the time you can tell if it's happening that night or not. If I am dating someone and I find them interesting, willing to put the time to know them, I'm willing to wait. I don't need to have monkey sex the first night
(My guess is no but we may get some surprises...)
I realize there is a lot of anger on both sides around this issue so I would urge all of us to use some empathy. It's fine to speak of your pain but when you blame all of any group, discussion shuts down. I am in some pain around this issue and I have been sexually harassed in some really bad ways several times in my youth which has made me careful and when I think of some things that have happened, this one barely raises an eyebrow. I've been lied to by so many men in my life but I still like them and I'm just looking for thoughtful answers on this.
Back when I was dating I could tell if the date was gonna end up at my place, hers or hell were barely gonna make it to my car. But it was always consensual and I never had to force myself. I had a few hot steamy sessions and she said no I gotta stop then we stopped. Sometimes it ended and we picked it back up on the next date other times we got back to it five minutes later.
While this guy may have some of the qualities you find attractive there are obviously some you don't. Most likely he's the Type "if you're not banging her by date number two bro it ain't happening". Or you're going to be another notch on his headboard.
How much of the hot and steamy scenario are you contributing to? Are you devouring the dude and then telling him no I can't. Take me home? If you're running hot and cold you're confusing the guy. That's pretty unfair. If you wanna have sex with the guy have sex with him. If you are not mentally ready then sit him down in a non date sort of meeting say invite him to a coffee joint in the afternoon and tell him you're not ready to be sexually active. If he is into you he will wait. If he's just looking for a ride nothing else he will simply fade away. probably right after that coffee date.
You married somebody you resented and didn't have didn't trust enough to have sex with??
I did not start resenting him until the way things played out after the rings were on the fingers. The point is, he communicated verbally and with his ACTIONS that he LOVED me and did not just purchase a walking glory hole with a ring and a tuxedo.
By comparison the source of the resentment was that he did not contribute to household or financial management at all. I communicated verbally that I was not going to be his housekeeper and financial manager for the rest of my life. Then my actions demonstrated by stopping doing his housework and putting him on a forced financial plan. I continued to do OUR housework. As a result, he really began to SEE what was being done which he previously did not realize. It is a mediocre example because it would take a book to describe such a complicated dynamic as a relationship. That is sort of my point. Cuddle = Sex itself is the source of resentment for a lot of women.
At his point we're either talking over each other or you're misconstruing what a couple of us have said for some reason of your own or you and your husband are happy cuddling and don't have sex.
Whichever, I'm not going to try to figure it out.
Bro she does this every thread. She'll make your argument for you and then debate that for six pages.
I think the parallels that I was trying to make with my examples could easily be lost since we were talking about pushing for sex. Having the attitude that sex is a great thing between two genuinely enthused partners is different than man pushes for sex with lukewarm participant. My bringing up my husband was intended as example to that. Interestingly enough, having the latter attitude is more likely to get you LESS sex.
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