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Alrighty, we can put this post to rest. Here's the final outcome.
8:04am today: Me: "Good morning. Looks like you're still holding a grudge despite my efforts and apology. Don't worry about the re-payment, since it's not something we discussed prior to the trip and not fair for me to charge. Hope you had a chance to save whatever trophy pics you wanted to keep for Lord knows what purpose since you clearly didn't plan on hanging out again. Just glad we didn't book Paris. Well, I did. But not with you.. Wish you the best xoxo"
8:48a today: Him: "Hey, busy week, I used the word jumped on loosely, but you told me you didn't need me to pay for your meals that night we were at mellow mushroom, so I hadnt planned on making any attempt at that until later. No I'm not that's an assumption, I don't hold grudges, I was over [it] before we left NYC.
And when you called Monday, you seemed a little busy, as u stated, or put off, so I was giving you a few days to get settled back in. I'ts not about trophy pics or anything, I had a good time, and wanted to save those memories. It was over, being the issue. And if I didn't want to see you again, I would have told you.
I have had a long week, trying to get settled in, my neighbor is back full on, haven't been sleeping well, so I'm trying to work with my leasing office so I can move/transfer, work is pissing me off, etc etc.
The night we came back something made me sick as a dog, I don't know if it was that pizza or what, but Monday wasnt that great either. So my apologies for seeming distant these few days."
Final takeaways:
-I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and just called him to get everything straight
-I should have waited before doing a group trip. Maybe just have solo trips with him for the first few months. Small baby trips near our home. Then work our way up...
-My response to him about Paris was really childish, and in hindsight probably shouldn't have sent that
-It was definitely the pizza that got him sick as he's on a strict gluten free diet the other 364 days out of the year. Poor guy
-We both need to work on communication
-I need to relax
Thank you all again for your help with everything!
I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Sounds like it was just simple miscommunication. On his part, he could have openly discussed if he could help with the costs before the trip and be a little persist. Being a cheapskate is the dumbest way to lose out on a potential good relationship. I think people communicated a lot better before text messaging!
When I first read your initial post, I saw a lot of red flags...disregard for the law, not paying his way etc. ( Since you paid for his birthday dinner, and now usually go dutch, he hasn't really treated you at all).
But I just read his text to you which sounds very level headed, forgiving and apologetic, so now I'm not sure what to think.
I don't think you guys rushed into anything by going on a short trip. A friend of mine proposed to his wife of 41 years after 8 days...so. It's a great way to get to know someone.
Sometimes a guy acts weird out of bravado...flouting the law seems edgy to some. But normally thats sociopathic behavior.
But, here's my solid concern. You own your house.
Think about this. What is this man's agenda? You're financially secure, he hasn't PAID for ANYTHING.
If you ever want to see where his head is at, or get rid of him, fib and say you have to move and rent an apartment soon because of income changes.
My guess is that he'll be out of your life in a heartbeat.
Sorry! I wish I didn't have to write this.
Alrighty, we can put this post to rest. Here's the final outcome.
8:04am today: Me: "Good morning. Looks like you're still holding a grudge despite my efforts and apology. Don't worry about the re-payment, since it's not something we discussed prior to the trip and not fair for me to charge. Hope you had a chance to save whatever trophy pics you wanted to keep for Lord knows what purpose since you clearly didn't plan on hanging out again. Just glad we didn't book Paris. Well, I did. But not with you.. Wish you the best xoxo"
8:48a today: Him: "Hey, busy week, I used the word jumped on loosely, but you told me you didn't need me to pay for your meals that night we were at mellow mushroom, so I hadnt planned on making any attempt at that until later. No I'm not that's an assumption, I don't hold grudges, I was over [it] before we left NYC.
And when you called Monday, you seemed a little busy, as u stated, or put off, so I was giving you a few days to get settled back in. I'ts not about trophy pics or anything, I had a good time, and wanted to save those memories. It was over, being the issue. And if I didn't want to see you again, I would have told you.
I have had a long week, trying to get settled in, my neighbor is back full on, haven't been sleeping well, so I'm trying to work with my leasing office so I can move/transfer, work is pissing me off, etc etc.
The night we came back something made me sick as a dog, I don't know if it was that pizza or what, but Monday wasnt that great either. So my apologies for seeming distant these few days."
Final takeaways:
-I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and just called him to get everything straight
-I should have waited before doing a group trip. Maybe just have solo trips with him for the first few months. Small baby trips near our home. Then work our way up...
-My response to him about Paris was really childish, and in hindsight probably shouldn't have sent that
-It was definitely the pizza that got him sick as he's on a strict gluten free diet the other 364 days out of the year. Poor guy
-We both need to work on communication
-I need to relax
Thank you all again for your help with everything!
After re-reading this, it seems like you are correct in your assessment. Sure, things could have gone better with the trip to NYC, but to me, they weren't things that I'd consider to be deal breakers at all. Also, just because he hadn't responded, doesn't mean he's mad at you and wants to end things. Us guys need some space, like women, to think things over, and breathe. I think by ending it early, you are assuming that you guys are bf/gf and it's only been a month.
To be honest, I'm in the same boat as you...I've been seeing this girl for a month and while she's a great girl, there are a few things that bug me about her, similar to what you described, but there are more good that outweigh the bad with her, so I'd like to keep seeing her. Everything on your NYC trip, while yes he was kinda cheap, to me, aren't worth ending things over. Plus, I think you should've just communicated with him. I know if I was a new guy hanging out with a girls group of friends, it's not that I'd be "annoyed" to be there, but I'd be kinda shy and quiet because you guys all know each other and I'd be this new guy who you've been seeing for a month. Put yourself in his shoes for a second with that.
Idk, OP, I say give this another shot. The guy doesn't seem that bad and if you enjoyed him for the first month that long, I wouldn't make this one incident a dealbreaker, but rather a learning experience.
I'm saying this because I'm totally in your shoes. I'm used to LTR and you are in the "honeymoon stage" where things are pretty perfect and no flaws have come out. A few flaws come out and you're ready to bail on him. But seems like he was giving you space, which is what I'm doing with the girl I'm seeing now. He wasn't ghosting you and it didn't seem like it from your (very) detailed posts. By giving you space, it made you think (and well, this post is a result of it) and ponder about things about how much you really care about this guy. Think about it for a second...Me and the girl I'm seeing had our first little quarrel, similar to what you described, and I gave her space for a few days and eventually she reached out, we talked about what bothered her, I told her about what bothered me, and we took it as a learning experience and grew from it and (imo) it made our bond a bit stronger than before. There's an old saying, "there's no success without a bit of struggle". You will hit your rough patches, but if you are able to survive and grow from them, a beautiful relationship can be had.
My suggestion: Reach back out to him, or ask him to meet up. Talk it out and work it out. But don't give up on a guy just because you guys have different spending habits or whatever. Learn from it, and grow from it.
Unless you're already soured or your instincts are telling you otherwise since, after all, you were actually with him, we weren't...I like it Sonymark's post.
OP: His response was really reasonable. One of the things I really liked early on about my husband was that when I was being unreasonable, he would respond in a completely reasonable way. He didn't let my shenanigans scare him away. I wasn't deliberately testing him on this, but when such a situation arose, I noticed he handled it differently than most guys I had dated would. That impressed me.
OP: His response was really reasonable. One of the things I really liked early on about my husband was that when I was being unreasonable, he would respond in a completely reasonable way. He didn't let my shenanigans scare him away. I wasn't deliberately testing him on this, but when such a situation arose, I noticed he handled it differently than most guys I had dated would. That impressed me.
I love when that happens!! It in turn makes me more reasonable too.
My next move is... *DRUMROLL* going to move forward with him! I really do like him (not just the superficial/attraction/sex part). He is much more mature than my ex, wants the same things long-term, comes from a good home and family (at least from what I can see), ambitious, hard working, yearns to travel, and my Mom (and nephew) adore him already. Though, at age 28, think Mom just pressed on anyone who will give her more grandkiddos.
For the NYC trip, I do see it from his point of view and it makes sense that he'd be more reserved as he's outnumbered by everyone I know. Think we need to take some more time to get to know one another. I mean, we are going to my friends place Saturday night for a Halloween party but only for a few hours to be social. Then, the rest of the night we are probably going to be solo.
We discussed in text that we need to work on communication and let the other one know things that make them tick. For him, he definitely gets "hangry" so I need to make sure the bear is fed at all times LOL For me, I don't respond well to silent treatment. If there's an issue, we have to squash it asap so no resentment is built up. If you don't want to talk, just text "Hey. Need some time to cool off. Will text you on X day." Or something like that. I just hate the ghosting part. It's not fun sitting around letting my mind wander.
Why? He sounds like a PITA, with the dietary restrictions, the azzhole move of preemptively getting his check split out, and the ongoing stingy behavior. But then again, your response to things isn't very mature, so who knows how this will turn out. I predict that you're going to be back with another thread in 2 months.
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