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I agree also that you sound like a really nice guy and I'm sorry it has turned out this way. I do remember (way back in the day ahem) that I encountered a few nice guys who were so tentative and cautious that I lost interest pretty quickly, so just want to give you encouragement to go for it if you really like someone. Worst case scenario is that they don't feel the same way.
GOOD LUCK!
That would be me. Yeah, I lost quite a few potentials.
But being Mr Nice Guy can be overcome. Stop looking at women like they are angels and see them as lovers.
short version: a woman i've known for a bit - mostly in a platonic type of way but with hints of wanting more - recently told me she's just stating "dating someone". i did not see it coming, and thought we were headed in the direction of a more substantial relationship.. how badly did i misread things? and what should i do?
more details:
there have been a few nights where we've just cuddled on the couch, falling asleep together. lots of meals, hikes, etc spent together, and daily texting.
there was a lot of "we"-based future talk about various things.. from day trips, or restaurants to try to more substantial things like vacations, visiting her family, and houses and kid names, etc.
and also, her birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. she planned day of activities (with my help) involving a few of her closet friends, her mom, and me. she was adamant that i agreed to go, and i did. she seemed excited for me to meet her mom, and said so on multiple occasions.
now, about a week ago, she started to act a bit different. she was less chatty, she'd been talking about stress (which she says was work-related), and she was just being.. different. i had asked if she wanted to get together on saturday night, and she gave a non-answer
the other day, during the day, we're chatting more normally again, and i propose getting together one night to make dinner and watch a movie. she's down for it, and we make a plan of what to make, and we're set for a get together in a couple of days. later that not she drops this me: "so this might be weird, but i feel like i should tell you that i recently started dating someone"
i was taken aback. i questioned what she meant by all these hints, and whether or not she meant any of it. and if i was so wrong at reading the situation, then why would it be weird to tell me she was looking for other guys? or why not tell me when she started, instead of after she's "dating someone"?
she apologized over and over, saying yes, she meant those things, but she was sorry for misreading how she was making me feel.
to me, it doesn't add up. i asked her how else was i supposed to interpret things, and she just said she's sorry, and that i'm her best friend. i said i felt the same way about her, except that to me, it that we were also looking to take it further, looking at the long term.
so, it's been a couple of days since we've communicated. i want to ask her if we can talk again, now that we've had some time to digest everything. i just want to confront her again and ask her if i was completely wrong in reading the situation, and if she in fact didn't have any deeper feelings for me. her actions tell me she did.
any advice? should i wait for her to come to me? could i have been completely wrong about things?
thanks all
Well, you totally missed the boat. I mean, short of her sticking her tongue in your ear, how many hints did you need?
So here's what you do now. Say, "Look. Don't date that guy. Date me. I was so busy respecting you as my friend that I was afraid to cross the line. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But I want a second chance."
Well, you totally missed the boat. I mean, short of her sticking her tongue in your ear, how many hints did you need?
So here's what you do now. Say, "Look. Don't date that guy. Date me. I was so busy respecting you as my friend that I was afraid to cross the line. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But I want a second chance."
This has happened to me a couple of times in the past. I didn't read the obvious clues like I should have.
sorry chowhound. obviously i can sympathize.. hopefully you took something positive from the experiences and were able to proceed as painlessly as possible
sorry chowhound. obviously i can sympathize.. hopefully you took something positive from the experiences and were able to proceed as painlessly as possible
did you just have to let them go?
It was fine, I wasn't as involved as you were, it was much much more casual.
You know, tonydouglas, it may be too late but then again you might just have a fighting chance if you try MinivanDriver 's suggestion.
She might - just might, sit up and take notice if she sees you fighting for her. As I've said before, you have already lost her if you don't and just maybe not if you do. So there is nothing to lose. Nothing at all. On the positive side, you will achieve two things even if you fail.
Firstly, you will gain that little bit of confidence for next time.
Secondly, you will have paid her a huge compliment.
like ellie said (thanks for the kind words), who knows what will happen with this new guy? if i can just get myself to not think dwell on it (not easy at all) and focus on me and other things to occupy my mind, i'll be better off.
I dont think you should contact her. I think you should go dark until she decides to contact you.
Im going to tell you right now, getting closure is not going to make you feel any better or less anxious, you will just intensify kicking your own azz because you didnt know to make the move sooner.
Let her wonder about you, its still a possibility that this new dude might not work out, she might come looking for you. By then, you could have found someone better.
If she does call you, just make sure you let her know that life is great. Be charming, funny, and exciting, not bummed out. Make her think she is missing out on life without you. If she tells you she isnt with the guy anymore, then go for the get together and make your move. That chance will not happen if you profess feelings for her now, while she moves on from you. That will push you further into the friend zone.
Learn from this. If you meet someone else, Be charming, funny, and exciting for them, make it count. You can go for making out right away, its the sex you should be holding off for. Dont mix those up.
i get your point about being all "oh, woe is me.. my life is over now". maybe i've felt that way here and there over the last few days, but no, that isn't attractive to anyone.
i did cave and text her earlier.. saying i wanted to talk, but i did throw a bit of an inside joke in there to try to keep it light. she responded 90 min or so later, playing off of the joke and saying she was at a game with some college friends (i knew she was planning on this, but had forgotten today was the day).
so we'll see what happens here. my emotions have been all over the place.. going from "i can't lose this girl" to "eff her, i don't need her", to "if we are just friends in the end, that's fine'". but, i do really want her deep down.
it's just weird. i completely regret not being assertive. thinking back of all the times when i should have just effing kissed her, even if - in my head - it wasn't the "perfect" time
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Yeah, I lost quite a few potentials.
