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OK honey. I read every single post from every single person, and from you, of course. You sound like a really nice person and I feel sorry that you have landed with someone who is not really compatible with you in his habits.
You said yourself in one of your posts that you like having plans 24/7. In other words, just staying at home, studying or otherwise, would seem like a wasted time to you, perhaps, because you seem like someone who can accomplish a lot in a day. Other people, however, are not like that - they just like to let the day laze away, play a few video games, watch a movie maybe, study a bit, or just hang out.
So you have organized his life to death and he doesn't know how to tell you he doesn't want it that way -
he wants his time alone. He wants to let things just happen, sometimes, and that is why he likes you to be there, just in case he decides to come into the living room and hang out with you, or have sex. If you're there all the time he feels a bit like he has to acknowledge you sometimes. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his doormat? Or putting up with his lukewarm responses to you and your actions? (I actually think he is cooling towards you a bit, because you both must have enjoyed this busy schedule of togetherness initially).
Many, many people have said that the two of you are more like friends with benefits than like real partners. Real lifelong people in love want to be with each other all the time. They think about each other all the time; they plan things to do together and can't wait until they can talk again and be together again. Now, this sounds like you, but it doesn't sound like him, I'm sorry to say.
So I think you should evaluate carefully where you go from here. My advice would be to move back home for the time being and get this obsession out of your head a bit. Let's see if he changes his modus operandi. If not, you have your answer. Listen to what the people on here are saying. They're not as close to the situation as you are and are being more objective.
I would love for you to come back on here after a few months and tell us how you got on.
WOW! He really said that to you?! That he'd have to PUT UP with sharing a home and a bed with you every night???? Holy Jesus Mary Mother.
If ANY guy EVER said that to me, I would break up with him on the spot. I wouldn't allow myself to be treated that way by a guy who obviously does NOT want to take that next life step with me by sharing a home AND a BED together.
If I were you OP, before you go away to grad school, you should break up with him - no matter how many years you've been together; because none of that means squat if he's acting this indifferent towards you and is downright throwing HUGE hints your way that all but say he DOESN'T want to share his LIFE with you. Then, after you break up with him and move away, he can have alllllllllllllllll the alone time he could ask for, and then some.
Uh yeah. That completely inappropriate and cold. Now I think he’s just too lazy to break up because he likes the sex and tolerates you otherwise. Run, don’t walk, from what little is left of the relationship. I’m sorry but you deserve better than this.
OK honey. I read every single post from every single person, and from you, of course. You sound like a really nice person and I feel sorry that you have landed with someone who is not really compatible with you in his habits.
You said yourself in one of your posts that you like having plans 24/7. In other words, just staying at home, studying or otherwise, would seem like a wasted time to you, perhaps, because you seem like someone who can accomplish a lot in a day. Other people, however, are not like that - they just like to let the day laze away, play a few video games, watch a movie maybe, study a bit, or just hang out.
So you have organized his life to death and he doesn't know how to tell you he doesn't want it that way -
he wants his time alone. He wants to let things just happen, sometimes, and that is why he likes you to be there, just in case he decides to come into the living room and hang out with you, or have sex. If you're there all the time he feels a bit like he has to acknowledge you sometimes. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his doormat? Or putting up with his lukewarm responses to you and your actions? (I actually think he is cooling towards you a bit, because you both must have enjoyed this busy schedule of togetherness initially).
Many, many people have said that the two of you are more like friends with benefits than like real partners. Real lifelong people in love want to be with each other all the time. They think about each other all the time; they plan things to do together and can't wait until they can talk again and be together again. Now, this sounds like you, but it doesn't sound like him, I'm sorry to say.
So I think you should evaluate carefully where you go from here. My advice would be to move back home for the time being and get this obsession out of your head a bit. Let's see if he changes his modus operandi. If not, you have your answer. Listen to what the people on here are saying. They're not as close to the situation as you are and are being more objective.
I would love for you to come back on here after a few months and tell us how you got on.
This part made me have tears in my eyes. My mom told me the same thing on the phone earlier. I'm just realizing all this now. He was always distant even in the beginning but I thought things would change.
I know you guys are saying I'm clingly and needy etc but the person I'm dating doesn't really love me. So I'll take that advice into my next relationship.
Also people keep asking why I sit in his house when he plays games and it's because I have a lot pre grad school work I have to do, I spend a lot of time studying so I just study on his kitchen table. I really don't think that's weird and if he was a normal boyfriend he'd probably like me there but mine doesn't care so i just look bad, which I can see now
Sorry. It is weird.
Just to be clear "normal boyfriends/husbands" need their space too. Yes, even from those they love. I know a lot of people are posting "he should want to be with you or think of you 24/7" etc. but that's not necessarily true. What they are describing is usually young, new love. Please don't analyze future relationships based on this one. No, you don't have to spend every waking moment for someone to love you.
It's perfectly healthy to want space. I would be climbing the walls if I had to spend or think about someone 24 hrs a day all the time...shudder. Lol.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
Don't you have a kitchen table of your own?
The point is, you could study at your own place alone instead of studying at his place alone with him there.
Exactly. Sometimes when we over stay our welcome we can cause resentment and or suffocation. Even to the point of ruining a relationship.
That's when you should leave and give him time to be by himself. Visit for an hour, and then go. That's what he is trying to tell you in a nicest possible way. He doesn't want you to hang around with his roommate, or sitting in the living room like waiting for him to finish his "me" time and come back to you.
Maybe when he comes out to "give you a kiss", he is actually checking, hoping you are gone...
This ^^^.
^^^ Read all that ^^^, OP. It speaks volumes.
You are clingy, you are needy, you take too much of his time, and he wants you to just go back to your place and stay there, so he can breathe and do things he wants to do. Alone. Without you.
He is just way too nice to spell it out for you.
It has nothing to do with ADHD. It's just too much of you there.
Good grief. Even I can already feel where this relationship is headed. He dropped enough hints, you just DON'T WANT to acknowledge them, OP.
My compromise is only stopping by 2 days during the week. If that's still "smothering" to him then he can find a new girlfriend. I'm not going to be miserable to please him, and I don't expect him to put up with my apparent insufferable presence for much longer.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,222 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC
Sorry. It is weird.
It's perfectly healthy to want space. I would be climbing the walls if I had to spend or think about someone 24 hrs a day all the time...shudder. Lol.
So...does that mean that whenever your bae come over to visit you, you'd only spend like an hour with them and then go in your room and shut the door and STAY there for the rest of the night?! Because, you know, you'd be climbing the walls & chit if you had to actually spend more than an hour with them in the same room.
THAT is what the OP is dealing with. He gotta grow some B_ _ _ _ and TELL HER DIRECTLY that he don't want to spend a lot of time with her. Actually, he don't even gotta do that, because most of us know what the real deal is with this guy...and some of us told her what she need to do. And, she KNOWS what she needs to do.
If someone would 'climb the walls' because they have to spend a regular and normal amount of time with their SO, then they shouldn't be in a relationship with a normal person - they need to find a relationship with someone who's just like they are. As MANY posters on here have stated, normal people want to spend lots of time with their SO - especially within the 2 year mark.
It's not the OP's fault that she fell in love with this _______, he continues to LEAD HER ON....and he doesn't have the MATURITY or the courage to TELL HER how he REALLY feels. I see a lot of myself in her....I was the same way with my last ex...he led me on, I fell in love with him, and because he wasn't DIRECT with me about how he really felt (like a REAL MAN would've been), I feverishly tried to make it work and gave it ALL that I had - when all along, it NEVER had the chance to work, because he was a major ____ up and was extremely damaged emotionally, mentally and sexually. A VALUABLE lesson learned. When all of this is done and over with, the OP will have learned HER lesson...and she'll bring that wealth of knowledge with her into the next relationship she has - because she will NEVER let any other guy treat her like the way this _______ did.
Sorry. It is weird.
Just to be clear "normal boyfriends/husbands" need their space too. Yes, even from those they love. I know a lot of people are posting "he should want to be with you or think of you 24/7" etc. but that's not necessarily true. What they are describing is usually young, new love. Please don't analyze future relationships based on this one. No, you don't have to spend every waking moment for someone to love you.
It's perfectly healthy to want space. I would be climbing the walls if I had to spend or think about someone 24 hrs a day all the time...shudder. Lol.
Exactly. Sometimes when we over stay our welcome we can cause resentment and or suffocation. Even to the point of ruining a relationship.
Well if him being alone in his room and me being in a separate room studying alone is "weird" then OK. But there is no way that is considered suffocating when we're literally not even interacting. Like I said, I hangout with my friends a good amount of time, at least once a week, or twice if possible on weekends. He does plenty of things on his own with friends and family on the weekends as well. If I cut back to seeing him only twice during weeknights, and that's STILL not enough - I'm out.
I mean people that live together see each other more than that, and I would like to live with him, so this clearly isn't going to work out. My parents literally spend all day after work together and all weekends together. Not that I'm trying to say I'm married to my BF, but I'd like to be married SOME day. So how is that gunna work with him? Should I set a tent up upside? Should I just "put up" with his grumpyness because I'm just sooooooooo present in his stupid life? PLEASE. TELL ME.
... stop going over there every day after work. And stop spending the entire weekend at his place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maryjok92
... I don't expect him to put up with my apparent insufferable presence for much longer.
I know it's been a long day, but this ^^^ kind of attitude isn't going to help you.
You asked how to fix it, and people told you. All you can do it try that, and then if things don't work out, be thankful your names aren't already on a lease or a marriage license.
I know it's been a long day, but this ^^^ kind of attitude isn't going to help you.
You asked how to fix it, and people told you. All you can do it try that, and then if things don't work out, be thankful your names aren't already on a lease or a marriage license.
I was originally asking for advice for what I thought was a simple issue, and now I feel like my boyfriend and I aren't compatible and that he doesn't love me as much as I love him so I'm a little sad.
I was originally asking for advice for what I thought was a simple issue, and now I feel like my boyfriend and I aren't compatible and that he doesn't love me as much as I love him so I'm a little sad.
What did you think the simple issue was, originally?
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Holy Jesus Mary Mother. 
