Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I agree with everything you said. I was addressing Sonic's post regarding how a sex toy could be a good 'stand-in' for the real deal. Her post didn't say anything about the OP's spouse physically being able to satisfy the OP in that regard. (and you're right, the OP's sex life is none of anyone's business!)
This was more a general observation based on a number of posts, versus detected at any one specific person.
So uhm. Don't you miss sleeping with a man? You know ... you had to become a lesbian involuntarily, so ... don't you miss THAT part?
BaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... I had to "become a lesbian"??
You don't just "become" something your not. That is like saying I have blue eyes but I want them brown so I can just change that. OMG that is so funny and at the same time naive.
In the functional sense perhaps. Involuntarily pansexual is more what I'm seeing. Pans love the person more than the plumbing, they are able to be attracted to anyone for who they are. But that's generally an identity label someone chooses to use, not something that circumstance foists upon one.
OP, I am getting a little of a sense that you consider yourself an "older" woman (I don't recall if you told us your age and you certainly do not need to) and that you feel that you are so far into this relationship that if you stepped out of it, you might not have any other options to find someone to love. Am I reading that correctly, or am I off base?
For what it's worth, if that rings true, I don't think you should choose to stay with your spouse for that reason. Be careful you don't fall into a "sunk cost fallacy" in this relationship.
While I totally commend you for doing everything you can to make this work, I also would urge you to examine if you are doing so for the right reasons. Because you deeply love this person? That's an excellent reason. Because you don't want to seem selfish or shallow, because you feel you're not young/pretty/good/whatever enough to find someone new? Those would be the WRONG kinds of reasons. I know women in their 60s who still manage to date and find new loves. One of them is a recent cancer survivor, and she still has a hoppin' love life though it hasn't been without challenges. Her story has been pretty wonderful to follow, and if you want to see it, I'd be happy to send you the link in a PM. She also is in a solid relationship with a transwoman, but she is poly and has other (secondary) male lovers, too.
Again, I think you're a great person for all this...just don't martyr yourself TOO much into an unhealthy place, for the sake of "doing the right thing" for someone else. You do not owe your spouse that. Your own needs are also valid.
I met my spouse when I had just turned 40. I am now almost 56. 15 years in this relationship now. Love is what keeps me here. As far as sex goes.......we just don't. We are affectionate with each other but we just don't do the "act". I just feel that sex is not as important as it was when I was younger. I want someone I laugh with, have intelligent conversations with and have common interests with. I have that in my spouse. I'm not going to lie and say that a little bit of me is like "Hell no I don't want to start over with someone else---too much work and heartache"
And on top of that---I love my step daughters and their kids. My kids also love my spouse. I just have too much invested emotionally. I also don't want to end up like my Mother who was married and divorced 4 times. Hell no.......not for me. This is my second marriage and I said "For better or worse" and I meant it this time. (was too immature in the first marriage but we were married 17 years)
I appreciate your comments though Sonic
Here is a well-written article from a couple of years ago, regarding a suburban Chicago family that has had this experience. It speaks pretty well to the "I love the person, not what gender they are," mindset. It also includes details of going through the process with kids.
I dunno, a friend got one of those super realistic like "real skin" ones, and brought it to a party (we were bopping each other on the head with it and giggling like idiots) and I actually think it would be a pretty sound stand in for the real deal.
AprilShowers Yeah, but Sonic, a sex toy - no matter how much it has a 'real flesh-like feel' to it - will NEVER be a sound stand-in for the real thing that is attached to a warm body of a guy who has a mouth, tongue, chest, abdomen, butt and hands with which to facilitate a sexually and sensuously intimate experience! Surely you must agree with that, right?!
I mean, sure, in a pinch, it might satisfy her temporarily when she really wants 'it', but I definitely don't see it satisfying her for the long haul - or, maybe it would! Who knows?!
Hey, OP. I wonder something. What do you think would happen if the two of you were in bed watching TV or something one night, and you came across an actress (who doesn't look like you!) and said, "My god she is gorgeous. I wish I could look like her. Don't you think she's amazing?" Wouldn't it be something if your spouse's fixation could be...shifted? I wonder if that is possible?
Already tried that girl! LOLOL It was a no go! Ha!
CindyRoos.. I am very glad to hear that it is emotional investment grounded in love of your spouse and family that is keeping you there and trying. I wasn't assuming anything, just wanted to make sure you don't neglect yourself or put yourself last too much. We women can be that way, putting others ahead of ourselves. Sometimes it feels good to do that, but there is a balance. Across a certain tipping point, it's not such a happy existence anymore.
Glad you got a kick out of the sex toy conversation. To some extent (well, mostly) I was just being silly. The story about the party was true, but I didn't really figure you needed any advice in that area, as you didn't ask for it!
And wow...you sure have a conundrum on your plate with this odd mimicry stuff. Guess all I can fall back on at this point, kind of out of ideas, is just therapy. Which you've done in the past, maybe keep it up longer? I don't know. I sure do wish you all the best though!
CindyRoos.. I am very glad to hear that it is emotional investment grounded in love of your spouse and family that is keeping you there and trying. I wasn't assuming anything, just wanted to make sure you don't neglect yourself or put yourself last too much. We women can be that way, putting others ahead of ourselves. Sometimes it feels good to do that, but there is a balance. Across a certain tipping point, it's not such a happy existence anymore.
Glad you got a kick out of the sex toy conversation. To some extent (well, mostly) I was just being silly. The story about the party was true, but I didn't really figure you needed any advice in that area, as you didn't ask for it!
And wow...you sure have a conundrum on your plate with this odd mimicry stuff. Guess all I can fall back on at this point, kind of out of ideas, is just therapy. Which you've done in the past, maybe keep it up longer? I don't know. I sure do wish you all the best though!
You have been very kind Sonic and I can't tell you how much that means to me. Although we don't know each other, it's great to know there is nice people like you out there.
You're right, some women tend to put the needs other's ahead of themselves. I do think about that as well. In the course of letting my spouse be who they are, I can't lose site of who I AM. I recently got back to my Art. I also do gardening in the spring and summer (limited because of the state I live in) Have an Art room now in the basement and I Loveeeeeeeee it!! Doing a painting for a co-worker at the moment and it is turning out ok
The spouse does complain (of course) about things regarding my garden and is not thrilled that I go down to my Art room a few hours a week but I say "To Stinking Bad!"
I also say "Geez get a hobby will ya?" The reply "My hobbies are too expensive".
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,533 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyRoos
You have been very kind Sonic and I can't tell you how much that means to me. Although we don't know each other, it's great to know there is nice people like you out there.
You're right, some women tend to put the needs other's ahead of themselves. I do think about that as well. In the course of letting my spouse be who they are, I can't lose site of who I AM. I recently got back to my Art. I also do gardening in the spring and summer (limited because of the state I live in) Have an Art room now in the basement and I Loveeeeeeeee it!! Doing a painting for a co-worker at the moment and it is turning out ok
The spouse does complain (of course) about things regarding my garden and is not thrilled that I go down to my Art room a few hours a week but I say "To Stinking Bad!"
I also say "Geez get a hobby will ya?" The reply "My hobbies are too expensive".
Well, not my problem!
Just curious Cindy, how do you refer to your spouse other than calling them 'spouse'? Like, do you still call them your 'husband' or do you now call them your 'wife'? Or do you just refer to them by their first name? Just wondering...because to me, I would be extremely confused as to how to refer to my spouse if they changed from being a man to being a woman.
Just curious Cindy, how do you refer to your spouse other than calling them 'spouse'? Like, do you still call them your 'husband' or do you now call them your 'wife'? Or do you just refer to them by their first name? Just wondering...because to me, I would be extremely confused as to how to refer to my spouse if they changed from being a man to being a woman.
It took me a long time to say "her" and to call her by her female name. However, in my heart she is still "my husband" but to others I just say "My Spouse" because saying Husband out loud sounds strange now. LOL
BTW---the only two people that we know that do not know she is Transgender---Her MOM and Sister!
(they live together in another state)
When I have my mother-in-law on the phone I have to be Very Careful not to say Her and her female name. Talk about confusing!!
They reason my spouse did not tell them? Well, the Mom is very very old and she does not want her to have a heart attack knowing she no longer has a son but another daughter.
Yeah, so there's that........
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Like, do you still call them your 'husband' or do you now call them your 'wife'? Or do you just refer to them by their first name? Just wondering...because to me, I would be extremely confused as to how to refer to my spouse if they changed from being a man to being a woman. 
