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Old 10-27-2017, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee Area of WI
1,886 posts, read 1,827,361 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
oh ok, I got it now.


Still, same answer: Before I marry, I should know if my partner is in the "right" body or not especially if he/she feels like the opposite gender all their life and has the wish to have surgeries.
Really,,,so you meet a man, you fall in love and a few years later he asks you to marry him and you ask if he is "in the right body or not?" ok, so who does that? Nobody I know LOLOLOL
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Old 10-27-2017, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,244 posts, read 14,473,951 times
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In all fairness, it would be completely reasonable for the OP to ask for dissolution of the marriage after such a revelation...I mean, maybe your partner is a lesbian, but that doesn't mean you are one!...but I think it's commendable that you loved the person more than the plumbing and you're determined to do your best to make things work out.

And on top of everything you have shared, there is something I've heard about from my trans friends that they call "second puberty" where they're taking hormones and their emotions are completely haywire for a while. I have teenage kids, and I remember my own teen years, and I can only imagine that level of hormonality along with a huge life change and a whole different dynamic... Honestly OP, you're like some kind of superhero for weathering this whole storm, in my opinion.

Have you thought of looking into ways for your spouse to find her own female friends to have girl time with, perhaps? Meetups or anything? I think some social support would be nice for her to have, but she doesn't need to usurp your family and friend ties to get it.
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:12 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,687 posts, read 19,827,213 times
Reputation: 42955
Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyRoos View Post
Really,,,so you meet a man, you fall in love and a few years later he asks you to marry him and you ask if he is "in the right body or not?" ok, so who does that? Nobody I know LOLOLOL
of course not. Please don't play stupid. If my partner has been thinking of having surgeries for many, many years, I think he owes me the truth BEFORE we marry. And I shouldn't have to ask him - in a drunken night where we exchange secrets and things we are scared of, he should come out with it. BEFORE we even think of marriage. Then I can make a decision if I stay with him or not.
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
oh ok, I got it now.


Still, same answer: Before I marry, I should know if my partner is in the "right" body or not especially if he/she feels like the opposite gender all their life and has the wish to have surgeries.
Unless they don't tell you that, because they haven't worked through it yet themselves and gotten to that point in their own process.

And, yes, one's spouse would not be out of line if, upon finding out that the person he or she married is transgender, finds that they can't accept the changes to their relationship, married life, etc. This poster seems to have done her best to accept and work with what's going on with the person she married, even through things that make it rough. But it wouldn't be wrong for someone to say, "No, this isn't the relationship I thought I had. It really just comes down to the individuals involved, and how they are able to deal with the changes.

To the OP, this hasn't happened to me, but it has happened to a college friend. She and her husband were married for a number of years before her spouse came out as transgender. It was not easy on her or their relationship, but they have stayed together for several years so far, did a vow renewal last year that better fit who they are than their original marriage ceremony did, and seem to be embracing the evolution of their relationship.
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:30 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,687 posts, read 19,827,213 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyRoos View Post
My spouse came out as Transgender 8 years into our relationship (4 of those married). I knew nothing about what it meant to be transgender so I was totally in awe. Never once in those 8 years did I even have a clue that my spouse has felt this way their whole life. After it came out, I did not run away. I educated myself about what this meant. Of course, the first thing I asked my "husband" was : "If you feel like you should have been born a woman, does that mean sexually you are attracted to men?". My spouse said "No, I am attracted to girls". So I said "Let me get this straight, you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body". The reply "YES!!". Ha!
Anyway, the day my spouse told me this I could see the pain, fear and sadness in my spouse's eyes. My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
I feel that if you love someone, you let them be who they truly are unless they are a murderer or something like that.
We did not tell anyone about this for about a year after she came out. But after a year of hiding it from everyone we knew and her kids and mine, I just couldn't take it anymore. So, we told them all. They were all very happy for her. She even walked one of my daughter's down the aisle because her own father is a jerk. After surgery and recovery she went back to work as the woman she always felt she was and she was Very Very Scared to go back. However, her company knew what was happening so while she was out of work they educated all the other employee's about this--even hired a special company lawyer that handles this type of situation. Although she was scared to go back, I told her that her company was being way more gracious then I thought they would AND she had to remember that someone has to be the one to put their foot forward for others. In a company as large as the one she works for, they has to be one or two more people that feel the same and are too afraid to come forward. It worked out great for her there and she is a much more happier person.
That does not mean that this process has been easy. I accept my spouse for who they are and encouraged her to be who she needs to be but I did give up some of my happiness in the process. I went through a grieving process myself. My spouse tends to be very selfish sometimes and that only got worse after she went through this change physically. At times I get very resentful---especially when she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
She wants to be treated like a woman but still acts like an insensitive man allot of the time and that is very aggravating. I guess since she felt she had to "pretend" to act like a man most of her life, it is just the way it is. She also gets resentful that I want to hang out with a girlfriend once in a while without her. She tries to include herself on everything I do outside of the home (besides work) and I have to tell her that she needs to go do things with her friends but she says she only has guy friends and she does not want to hang around with them. She has transgender friends but does not want to hang out with them either. I told her I am not her entertainment.
Sorry this was so long!! Has anyone on here gone through this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
Unless they don't tell you that, because they haven't worked through it yet themselves and gotten to that point in their own process.
I stick to my opinion. The spouse has not smiled for the first 8 years of the relationship because of the hiding. She was waiting until they were married. Shady and unfair.
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
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If she was "just waiting until they were married" to drop a bombshell (and, seriously, what would be the point of doing that...choosing to live years of misery just to purposefully deceive someone?), I doubt it would have happened four years into the marriage, versus immediately.
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
Reputation: 53066
In response to the OP, yes, I have to imagine that a huge fundamental change such as this would be difficult for anyone to accept, even the most open, free-thinking, nonjudmental person out there. The feeling that things you thought you knew about the person you're with are wrong is hard enough, and these are very big things, entire questions of identity. It's obviously hard for probably most to accept that what you knew is now turned on end.

Very few people are going to be able to honestly say, "Hey, cool, you know, I have no emotional reaction to this."
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:40 PM
 
3,211 posts, read 2,949,988 times
Reputation: 14632
OP, you aren't a lesbian, right? You wanted to be married to a man, not a woman. How is this fair to you? Honestly just curious, sorry if it's an insensitive question.

Kudos to you for being so understanding of your spouse.
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:46 PM
 
3,565 posts, read 1,905,547 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldgardener View Post
OP, you aren't a lesbian, right? You wanted to be married to a man, not a woman. How is this fair to you? Honestly just curious, sorry if it's an insensitive question.
Because most people are bi (with preferences)

They just don't know it because they've been conditioned to believe mostly in heterosexuality.

So, the OP prefers men

But is happy with her partner (as a man or woman)
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Old 10-27-2017, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,309,994 times
Reputation: 53066
Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol View Post
Because most people are bi (with preferences)

They just don't know it because they've been conditioned to believe mostly in heterosexuality.
Eh. This is debatable (and debated).

But, I will say that in the case of my college friend going through this, what it did ultimately come down to for her was coming to terms with the fact that she loved the person she married. She didn't love the person that she married because they were a specific gender. She loved them because of who they were, and that didn't change. To her, I say, "Cool."
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