Does lack of ambition in a partner turn you off? (man, loving)

[RbccL]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

Sometimes that "help" comes across as reprimanding.

I accept constructive criticism, but at times I feel like I'm being bashed more than anything else. Look at what PriscillaVanilla said above for a good example.

It seems more like you're looking for sympathy due to being tied to /involved with a 'lazy' woman who doesn't meet your standards anymore. Agreement that you have so much more to offer? Permission to leave or look elsewhere? Some people just don't find it attractive for a man to spend so much time and thought on all the perceived faults of his wife.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

Ruth, you might as well call me the devil, because no matter what I say, you're going to argue that I'm wrong.

Moi? It would help if you'd answer basic questions. You've avoided responding to some common concerns people have raised here. We still don't know if you lived with her during the engagement or not, for example, which is kind of key.

One post earlier made a really good point; the poster said that once they accepted that certain minor things about their SO weren't important in the grand scheme of things, they were able to let go of those concerns, and have been a lot happier since then. Being disgruntled because someone doesn't take a long time to get dressed is odd; definitely one of those minor things to let go of. (Especially since you knew that she didn't fluff and buff herself for your 7 years of dating, and 3 years of engagement). It's like wise parents say: choose your battles carefully, because some just aren't worth it.

The fact that she's kind of a slug at home, while you're the active type is potentially more of an issue. You say you knew this about her before marrying her, but hoped she'd suddenly change, after 10 years of being a couch potato. Posters here always advise men and women to not expect to change their SO. It's not realistic. They are who they are, take 'em or leave 'em.

OP, there are some valid issues here, in that you two seem to be two very different people in some important ways, as I posted earlier. But most of these things were observable to you in the previous 10 years. Low self-esteem, too, is usually observable, as someone else pointed out. Finances are something it's crucial to ascertain before you chain yourself and your bank account to someone, until death do you part.

So, now that you are chained to her until death or divorce do you part, what are you going to do? There's no magic wand that will turn her into another person, though you got lucky in the sex arena. Or maybe it's like she said: the perceived issue was due to not having privacy before. Kind of a no-brainer. Have you brought up the option of marriage counseling for you both, or does she not know you're unhappy?

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

Sometimes that "help" comes across as reprimanding.

I accept constructive criticism, but at times I feel like I'm being bashed more than anything else. Look at what PriscillaVanilla said above for a good example.

Sometimes it is a reprimand. There is a difference between bashing and a reprimand. You've gotten a LOT of constructive advice, a reprimand when you started to get pouty, and the one bizarre hit.

You have to ignore meaningless personal attacks like Priscilla's. Or report it.

Good luck to you

[rego00123]

Pretty hard to remain attracted to someone who only ever focuses on their own needs.
It leaves no room to fit others in and turns everything back around to what they desire when they do attempt to try to.

Above anything else it sounds like the issue is not the “lack of ambition”, it’s the lack of direction at home.

It’s just existing in the same space with no real purpose attached

I couldn’t begin to tell you why that may be.

[cleasach]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

I guess I'm just one of those people who's always aiming to grow professionally and personally -- an overachiever of sorts. I grew up in a household that emphasized good grades above all else. Anything lower than an A was frowned upon. My wife concedes that her parents-- who weren't home much because they ran a business together -- were ok with Bs and Cs.

I'm also competitive when it comes to games and sports.

Like someone said, I guess it's a difference in personality/temperament.

Great responses so far.

But it's not about you. I don't get the judgment here. Saying "I guess it's a difference..." is just such a peculiar response. What else could it be? Are you really unaware that people are different? The same "I don't understand why she doesn't...." could be thrown back at you as "I don't understand why he...." but you think your way is right and hers is wrong. That's just bizarre to me.

[Wordsmith12]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

We still don't know if you lived with her during the engagement or not, for example, which is kind of key.

I lived at my mom's until we were able to close on our property in December 2014. We wanted to move out sooner but hit a few snags (multiple offers fell through, getting turned down for a loan, etc.).

She stayed over several times during the 2-3 year span between our engagement and the wedding. So we weren't "living together" per se.

[Mikala43]

You hooked up with a 19 year old?

[Katiethegreat]

Doing stuff is overrated. Hitler did a lot but don't we all wish he'd stayed home and gotten stoned instead?

[Wordsmith12]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

You hooked up with a 19 year old?

Yes, but 12 years ago. She's 32 now, as am I.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

Yes, but 12 years ago. She's 32 now, as am I.

Ok, so you are upset she has no plans to do more, and you have plans, but aren't actually doing more?