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Maybe my problem is that I care too much about stuff. I'm prone to overanalyzation. My wife seems so much more laid back about stuff. Perhaps I should try being more like her instead of trying to get her to be more like me.
Maybe my problem is that I care too much about stuff. I'm prone to overanalyzation. My wife seems so much more laid back about stuff. Perhaps I should try being more like her instead of trying to get her to be more like me.
It seems more like you're looking for sympathy due to being tied to /involved with a 'lazy' woman who doesn't meet your standards anymore. Agreement that you have so much more to offer? Permission to leave or look elsewhere? Some people just don't find it attractive for a man to spend so much time and thought on all the perceived faults of his wife.
He has a few posts on his wife, and it looks like he is convincing himself of something....
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Sorry I didn't quite understand this. Are you saying people shouldn't try to help those we care about to change their bad behaviour/habits like smoking, gambling, drinking, drugs, etc?
Is there a difference when it involves the type of relationship? For instance telling a child to quit smoking as opposed to your adult partner?
Is it really a lie when we care about the person and want to help them change their bad behaviour/habits?
You support the people you love in changes they want to make.
If they DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE CHANGES, and aren't unhappy with their lives, you don't get to desice that they're going to make those changes, for their own good.
You might decide YOU can't live with them not making the changes, but you don't get to decide for them that they're going to do so, because you have decided that's what is best for them. That's THEIR province, not yours.
People don't change their behavior because others want them to. Ultimately, they only change behavior because it matters TO THEM to do so.
Perhaps I should try being more like her instead of trying to get her to be more like me.
Why must there be "more"? You cannot live with her "as is"?
This desire for change is the proof that you are dissatisfied, so are you asking, "Is this all there is?"' If so, all you REALLY can control is YOU. You can certainly express, thoughtfully and lovingly, your dissatisfaction to your wife, but I would only do that after a ton of self-reflection and some therapy.
Tabula Rasa's advice above is just about perfect here.
Because things like how often we shower and whether we suffered from self-esteem issues should be asked of your partner before you propose... I wish I were psychic, but I'm not.
Let's focus on the exercise (or lack thereof) for a second. Over the years I did notice scant interest in exercising on her part. I thought, "Perhaps when we live together, she'll become more motivated to join me." She did in the summer while she was off, but refuses to do it during the school year.
She has every right not to. Do I wish she would join me? Yes.
I think the issue isn't so much that she doesn't go. It's that she tells me she will and never makes good on that. There's a difference.
She also told me at one point that she would sit with me to watch baseball games. Has she done it now? Nope.
Don't say you're going to do something if you won't follow through.
I would imagine she is telling you she will in order to get you off her case in the moment. The only other real way to react when somebody is continually asking you to do things you don't want to do is just to have a come to Jesus moment where you say, "Look, I hate the gym, I hate going to the gym, I'm not going to start going to the gym just because you want me to, and I'm sick of being asked about it, so please just stop." And the result of that is, let's be honest, most likely going to be a negative reaction. So, to avoid the negative reaction, you put it off until next time. Rinse, repeat. And hope that eventually, you stop getting asked.
OP, others are right. You listed a whole laundry list of details that you absolutely should have, and had every opportunity to, learn about your wife in the many, MANY years you were dating and engaged. The fact that you didn't is on you. Her mom should not be telling you major things about her childhood that relate to her behavior and you having this come as a total surprise to you after literally a dozen years of knowing her.
And, FWIW, after a dozen years with somebody, NOBODY "does all the little things" they did when they were first dating. She doesn't. You don't. Nobody does. Some people do some of the little things they did when first dating. Some people do many of them. Some don't do any of them. But nobody does every giddy thing they did during the early infatuation "la la la" stages a dozen years later. It's just not how relationships evolve.
I think you should just end it. A lot of what you post here comes off sounding desperate, like you'd rather continue this "relationship" rather than be on your own. I'll reiterate what I said in another post, I highly doubt she'll change, and you'll continue in your current situation. Then you can find someone who is a closer match for you and shares common interests. Finally, it sounds like a broken record but you can't change people!
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