Does lack of ambition in a partner turn you off? (how to, marriages)
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I'm very happy in the marriage, but I've always been a little put off by the fact that my wife has no ambition to do anything beyond the day-to-day. She doesn't really have any big goals, or so she says.
We're both 32. Because of health and debt issues, she says she's not yet ready to start a family.
We got engaged 7 years into the relationship. I would have proposed sooner, but she never gave me any indication she was in a hurry to tie the knot. (I was also trying to save up money.) She was fine waiting that long.
Over the years, when it's come to planning outings and vacations, I've always been the one to make suggestions, except on a few rare occasions where she might say, "Hey, this is happening in town this weekend."
Thankfully, she's matured sexually over the past couple of years. Before that, though, it was very one-sided. -- What does this have to do with ambition? Or is it just another thing to complain about re: your wife?
My wife has had just one real friend all these years, so any social engagements tend to involve only my close friends. -- Do you know how many husbands would LOVE to not have to spend time with the wife's friends?
She's a teacher and gets home very tired. It's no surprise, then, that she just wants to plop down on the couch. (She does cook some days. I help out with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and other chores.). It seems she wants to remain a teacher her whole life. -- So? It's an important profession and adds value compared to so many other occupations.
As for me, I tell her I have many goals: -- OK. So ambition/goals are easy to talk about. What are you actually DOING about these goals? What's stopping you from signing up for music lessons NOW? And it seems from other threads that you aren't doing anything about getting a better job. Talk is cheap.
- Getting a better position in my company or elsewhere
- Continuing to make money on my blog, and building a more robust one
- Perhaps getting a master's -- waste of money if you want to stay in the writing profession.
- Learning to play the guitar
- Learning the piano
Again, I love her and am thankful to have her in my life, but I guess I'd love it if she displayed a little more drive sometimes. By her own admission, she isn't really an ambitious person. She's just very simple and low-maintenance in all facets of her life.
I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that setting goals and working hard to achieve them is an attractive quality in a partner.
Do you agree? Anyone ever been in this situation with a current or past partner?
It seems like you are one of those people who are unhappy with your own station in life (career and interests wise) and you are blaming that "rut" your wife. She seems agreeable to going with the flow, you should be happy. In the meantime, until you actually start to follow through on your stated goals, lay off her.
You asked about pets in another thread. Get a dog. That way you and your wife will have a reason to take walks together with the pup and it will promote the kind of activity you want.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17
Seriously? You don't have ONE favorite tv show that you watch, if only occasionally?
Ya know, just because people talk about cool tv shows that they like, that doesn't mean they're lazy couch dwellers who veg all day long and don't have the intelligence to have intellectual convos about anything under the sun. You would seriously next an attractive and friendly woman that you meet if she asks you if you're a Walking Dead fan? Wow.
I mean, I understand, everyone has their 'preferences' of the type of person they want to talk to or date, but geez....
I don't own a TV. Don't want one in my living space. I don't care that people are into TV shows, but if its the type of thing that drive them and get them excited, I doubt we're compatible. Do I have some favorites? Sure, they come out when its sheeting rain or I'm too sick to do anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356
Lol, come on. Way to go to THE extreme.
Just because someone watches TV shows, doesn’t mean that all they do is veg out to it.
The way he described it makes it sound like she works, and watches TV. Doesn't exercise, doesn't really get outside, doesn't have any interests. That's how I read it.
Timberline, you seem very, very invested in this thread, as if it strikes a chord with you. You are more invested than the OP. What's up with that? If you want a really ambitious partner, go find one. No one says you can't.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
Timberline, you seem very, very invested in this thread, as if it strikes a chord with you. You are more invested than the OP. What's up with that? If you want a really ambitious partner, go find one. No one says you can't.
I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm participating in a discussion, nothing more, nothing less. I never said anything about wanting an ambitious partner at all.
Why are you being so defensive and trying to create an argument?
What's really going on here? You make a lot of posts expressing your discontent with your wife and relationship because it doesn't live up to a standard you're creating in your mind.
Yeah, the OP is back and forth with his marriage.
One minute he's talking about how he's proud to have been with his wife for years, the next he's somewhat passive aggressively complaining about his situation. He masks it as curiosity but it's become pretty obvious he's just not happy. He's expressed that he wonders if he "missed out" by getting married so soon.
OP, needs to come to terms with his feelings and learn to deal with them.
I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm participating in a discussion, nothing more, nothing less. I never said anything about wanting an ambitious partner at all.
Why are you being so defensive and trying to create an argument?
Not being defensive at all. (It wouldn't even make sense for me to be defensive -- what would I be defending?)
Just something I noticed and asked you about, that's all. No argument necessary.
One minute he's talking about how he's proud to have been with his wife for years, the next he's somewhat passive aggressively complaining about his situation. He masks it as curiosity but it's become pretty obvious he's just not happy. He's expressed that he wonders if he "missed out" by getting married so soon.
OP, needs to come to terms with his feelings and learn to deal with them.
OP just needs to admit he's unhappy. They got together really young, perhaps due to complacency and familiarity, given the obvious fundamental differences. Every thread comes off as if OP is simply curious about certain relationship dynamics in a quasi-hypothetical way, but the motive behind it is rather transparent. These are issues that he has in his own marriage, and they've existed for years. What you think is compatible at 20 or <25 will likely be very different as you age and mature, so I'm not at all surprised the OP is wrestling with these questions. But it's time to be honest and admit it's more than curiosity at work.
OP - I went back and read some other threads of yours. You're definitely suffering from "grass is greener" syndrome, longing for the past when things were new and exciting. I have a friend (single, no kids) - who travels 3-4x/year. He's been to several Olympics, climbed mountains in Russia, serious bucket list stuff and he's still in his 30s! Don't use your wife as an excuse for the rut you're in. Plan a trip. Have an adventure. Take her with you or don't. It's your life. But continuing to dwell on her flaws and this longing you have will ultimately lead to cheating or divorce. And if you've read any CD threads on how rough dating is now, you know the world is NOT going to be your oyster. You'll feel this exhilaration of freedom for about 5 minutes then immediately regret what you walked away from.
Seriously, all he does is dog his wife, and then follows up his complaints with, "But I'm really happy in my marriage!"
I wonder if his spouse isn't getting scapegoated for general dissatisfaction with the status quo.
On the nose, I’d say. Wife sounds pretty darn awesome the more threads he writes
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You would seriously next an attractive and friendly woman that you meet if she asks you if you're a Walking Dead fan? Wow. 
